me: im a private chef date: oh? what kinds of things do you cook me: [eyes narrow] wouldn't you like to know

happy PRIDEMONTH 🤲 🟤🏳️‍🌈⚫💗

[ first day as a villain ] him: hi, how are you me: very evil, thank you

two girls, one cup, but its a refreshing glass of water on a hot summer day, and emphasizes the importance of sharing and hydration

[to waiter] ..actually, can you change my order to a funky warm medina, plz

opening mail: a new piece of paper i should probably keep for an indistinct amount of time hmmmm.. The Pile: feed me me: ah yes, The Pile The Pile: put it in me me: ok, lets calm down

the cardinal in my yard, man, its 4 am bro😩

[birds getting cozy in their nests at night] can’t wait to scream my fucking balls off tomorrow

of course i celebrate the holy trinity (bite of sandwich, bite of pickle, bite of potato chip)

[addicted to lunch] its gotta be noon somewhere

complimentary breakfast implies derogatory breakfast

As a guy with half a trillion dollars, I have lots of options: 1. Enjoy a 100% stress-free life doing whatever I please in unfathomable luxury all over the world with people of my choosing 2. Have 87 meltdowns a day on a website

Every time you drink out of a straw you’re giving a tiny blowjob

Oh to be a regular Joe in a flat cap clapping enthusiastically for some hepped-up circus clown diverting the crowd’s attention from the horrors

if you saw Big Bird without the context of Sesame Street you would cut him down with a shotgun

asking the pilot to Take A Left because i do not want to fly over Tennessee

hanging out on grassy knolls hoping for headshots

using Uber Eats for the first time: thats right three 20 piece mcnuggets driver turning from drive thru window to me in the backseat: you know youre just supposed to order it at home

oh my friend is a huge Wife Guy, yeah, 8 feet tall, completely made of wives, it's difficult to look at him

housewives implies feral wives roaming free in the woods

bram stoker’s lasagna

oh no I'm not a ballroom nut, i just keep one for self defense

[making up ghost story as I go along] but this was no ordinary Honda Accord

was just loading the dishwasher a few moments ago and got a text from my wife who’s on a trip in Florida that just says “WRONG” ??

Oh man! I need contact info for this company to see if they want to partner up with my app that shocks your genitals every time you do something really fucking stupid.

JOHN FOGERTY: I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain JAMES TAYLOR: okay, you’re not gonna fucking believe this

it's every man's dream to inherit a really big expensive watch. it's every woman's dream to shoot someone through the eye with a longbow

The people in that emergency life raft are more relaxed than I’ve ever been

i hope i never accidentally get locked in the hotdogs factory at night and am forced to eat ninety six hotdogs until i am eventually rescued twenty three minutes later

being that im a red blooded american patriot, i will only be enjoying my tacos while celebrating The Fifth of May

I'm the primary bread loser in my family

the only defense i have against my wife when she calls me a nerd is at least i didn’t marry a nerd

[uk nerds] fourth the may be with you

her: yes i know that was a traffic light, please stop inventor of captcha: theres another one

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

FISH COP: do you know why I pulled you under

her: yes i know that was a traffic light, please stop inventor of captcha: theres another one

netflix and vaginal microbiome report?

[first day as air traffic controller] happy May Day to you too!

netflix and vaginal microbiome report?

✋😐🤚 CINEMA

ME: what are these red dots on my skin DR: those are bedbug bites ME: oh no what should i do DR: you need to sleep tighter

I would make a great tree because I mainly just hang out and murmur to myself

me (being murdered): hey i need to switch the laundry murderer (stops murdering): oh no you don't want that stuff sitting in the washer too long

going to the club with some bros, we're gonna dance in a circle with our wallets and shoes on the floor in the middle

microdosing old age by numbing my hand while i poop so it feels like someone else is wiping

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

is it build a barn, it’s build a barn isn’t it

me: what are these yellow ones garden dept: forsythia? me: no, my girlfriend

*friend asking if he can keep his royal chairs at my glass house* No, we don’t stow thrones either