fuck i mixed up pavlov with schrödinger and now every time i ring a bell a cat might die

once i get my plow fixed it's over for these hoes

im not saying this weed is good but i forget how vcrs work

i hope today is the day i get that 17 phone calls from the loan processing dept

God: I’m gonna give them eyelashes to keep stuff from getting in their eyes Angel: great idea, where do the eyelashes go when they fall out? God: ok you’re gonna laugh

You can use the 'summon' button on my profile page to call on me for aid in battle. Surprised how many of you haven't been taking advantage of this

So weird how hot dogs come in packages of ten and your dad tried to kiss me

[cats] think ill go to another part of the house and scream at god

me: i have a bunch of anxiety rn brain: how bout a coffee me: idk sounds like a bad idea brain: iced coffee me: ok yeah that makes more sense

peterson's rock garden, redmond, oregon, 1987

[holding hand over receiver] everyone shut the fuck up, the menu options have changed

"dont worry ill just tell you when"

starting to have my doubts about the prestigious FIFA Peace Prize

will i get WWIII if i didnt see WWI or WWII

Killing schoolgirls in Operation Le Epic Bacon so people forget about the dead economy and the president's pedophile best friend for ten minutes.

[getting murdered by waiter] this is great, thanks

The past and present

When I think of you

Mars

I never knew love like this before

[dead in the morgue] *one leg outside body bag*

can anyone loan me $63,999

life finishes flashing before my eyes while in a hot air balloon crash but theres still 17 minutes until impact

doctor: lets test your reflexes me: thats a regular hammer doctor: then i hope theyre good

they should have an escalator that leads you straight into the sea

going on the dark web to look for a new pair of Sleeping Jeans

Using my potent sensuality for good. At first. Then for evil

life finishes flashing before my eyes while in a hot air balloon crash but theres still 17 minutes until impact

[a dad walking the plank] ..teak?

[sending my heights back to the kitchen] these are underwuthered

putting red onions on the glizzy , just how the elite do it (because i am out of white or yellow)

i heard that jizzing on tramp stamps is making a comeback

My version of this for years has been: I asked my Sherpa what he was gonna eat when we got up the mountain and he said "alpaca lunch".

Me: that's Walter under the bridge Friend: it's "water" lol Me: *pointing to a body as it floats down the river* no

me: what can you tell me about this piece peruvian art dealer: alpaca bowl me: hell ya lets smoke up and talk art bro

GOLD FOR US WOMENS HOCKEY LFGGG

me: what kind of animal is that tour guide: alaskan otter me: ok, let me know what he says

me: what can you tell me about this piece peruvian art dealer: alpaca bowl me: hell ya lets smoke up and talk art bro

THE WINNER

my cat: holy shit holy shit me: what my cat: is that the corner of a book hanging over the edge of the coffee table?? me: yeah my cat: gonna rub my face on it me: ok

inventor of worcestershire sauce: but what to call it guy that named wednesday: u ready to fuck some ppl up bro

I don’t know who needs to hear Jesse Jackson leading the kids on Sesame Street in this beautiful call-and-response reminding them that every child is somebody, but here it is

honestly i dont even care what trick you do, man, just the fact the guy rode down that massive slope backwards is insane (skiing big air on rn)

sorry Pink Floyd, turns out that we needed education. a lot of it. all of the education, really

[on phone after rap battle] mom is it true

🫡🇺🇸

Oh I thought you said "neck romancer" no, I'm not into this at all, sorry

[inventor of the highlighter] i really enjoyed some of your book

[horse sliding a shot of whiskey in front of me] why the short face

Paul Blart: Mind Freak