welcome to America, where you don’t know if a bullet or a piece of lettuce is going to kill you

walking back into the wrong hotel room after getting ice and reinventing it as the Audience Chair

why yes, i do appreciate the entire oeuvre, in fact, i call it the Scooby-Dooeuvre

listening to salt n pepa's "what a man" (ft. en vogue) and staying open from 7 to 7

whats everyone got planned for 7/11 Day tomorrow? i was thinking about loitering at a 7/11

whats everyone got planned for 7/11 Day tomorrow? i was thinking about loitering at a 7/11

housewives implies feral wives roaming free in the woods

I'm making amends if anyone wants any fresh amends

(exploring the ancient tomb) Incredible… The lost civilization who built all this must have been generally shitass at building stuff, on account of how it’s all fucking broken

Whole village out processing the giant who died in the ravine.

one time I accidentally brought a pizza to a gunfight instead of a gun and we ate the pizza and resolved differences until the last slice of pizza was up for grabs and a gunfight broke out

Is your girlfriend wife material? I'm building a giant wife.

Nice empire of dirt, dude. It would be a shame if I could have it all

song titles in the 80s were designed specifically so you could add "in the butt" at the end of them: Straight Up in the Butt I Wanna Know What Love is in the Butt The Rhythm is Gonna Get You in the Butt We're Not Gonna Take It in the Butt 99 Luftballoons in the Butt Cars in the Butt

sorry it’s so hot outside everyone, i just realized i’ve accidentally left my grill on for the last few days

sharks and owls should be able to eat snacks together but im not on the sharkhootery board

me: look ma, no hands her: kick me another firework

happy day after Tragically Hip day

happy Tragically Hip day

Feeling juvenated. Never felt like this before.

taking SSRIs with B-E-E-Rs is ok on Sundays

>be outside >see my cat staring at me from window >make a big deal of waving so he notices >turns his head to the left because something extremely important is happening over there i presume

using one of these to shut my dads casket but it misses and pulls him out

hi "willing to send out one hostage", I'm dad

trying out this new Zebra Striping thing Gen Z invented (drinking a modelo between ipas)

Happy Father’s Day

Me: Wow my first threesome Wife: It doesn't count Puppet: Why not?

all babies are “on board” , they’re not that opinionated jfc

not today you sonuvabitch

the most naked you can possibly be is by getting a compound fracture, NOBODY is supposed to see your bones not even you

this was esp true for me when i went the zoo in vienna, austria because their (euro) squirrels are different than ours (usa) so it was like a zoo animal just allowed to roam free

seeing ppl drinking beer before 5pm

drank the algae slime from the reflecting pool and now i’m the new president

boss: did you say 'the moon' me: yeah, and new york city, so i wont be able to make it in

love live TV, love finding something to watch in the guide and flipping to the channel, love landing there on the first millisecond the commercial break begins, love sitting there waiting thru the entire thing, love when the show i picked never comes back on

my favorite thing to do when i hear a new bird sound in my yard that im sure ive never heard before is take out my phone, open the Merlin Bird App, and hit the Sound button and then never hear that bird call again for the rest of my life

boss: did you say 'the moon' me: yeah, and new york city, so i wont be able to make it in

[murmured from a puddle of indecipherable organic materials, blood, and bone on the floor] pardon, took an antibody

would a unicorn use it’s horn or it’s hoof to select it’s floor on an elevator

[drunk on pina coladas, soaking wet, looking at watch] im sorry but i have to work tomorrow

two girls, one cup, but its a refreshing glass of water on a hot summer day, and emphasizes the importance of sharing and hydration

oh but if we asked the pig, im sure hed say he doesnt have any spare ribs

me: did you finish inside me surgeon: please stop saying it that way

opening mail: a new piece of paper i should probably keep for an indistinct amount of time hmmmm.. The Pile: feed me me: ah yes, The Pile The Pile: put it in me me: ok, lets calm down

me: im a private chef date: oh? what kinds of things do you cook me: [eyes narrow] wouldn't you like to know

happy PRIDEMONTH 🤲 🟤🏳️‍🌈⚫💗

[ first day as a villain ] him: hi, how are you me: very evil, thank you

two girls, one cup, but its a refreshing glass of water on a hot summer day, and emphasizes the importance of sharing and hydration

[to waiter] ..actually, can you change my order to a funky warm medina, plz

opening mail: a new piece of paper i should probably keep for an indistinct amount of time hmmmm.. The Pile: feed me me: ah yes, The Pile The Pile: put it in me me: ok, lets calm down