.. thats right .. raptured, yes .. im floating up now as we speak .. prob gonna lose you in the clouds soon {kssh, kshhh} youre breaking up already ..

calling in raptured to work tomorrow

if the rapture starts when im on the toilet pooping will i be allowed to pull my pants up or do i just float up with dropped trou

bye! bon voyage! have a good rapture!! [slide bolt locking noise]

rebooting the Bang Bus but only to drive around offering to cut ppls bangs

[holding out can of whoop-ass] can you open this for me

[alone in a dark cemetery] marco

vampire sticking a key into my thigh to shotgun me

My wife & I tried role play but we kept fighting over who would be Mr. Bean

I wanted to get a video of this ghost crab but every time I got close to their hole they scuttled back in, so I tried getting clever with it. I made a little sandcastle and shoved my phone into it, hit record, and walked away. Crab was VERY suspicious of this addition to their environment.

(frowning) i unfortunately need to eat a few little pickles about this

[kash patel standing at podium in front of Antifa Total Landscaping] ..we actually knew this was not the real HQ, this is just another 4D chess move by us, the FBI

"Be careful what you wish for" is no joke.. i got sepsis after accidentally wishing for it

every new piece of the d4vd story is like: "D4VD, singer known for such songs as I Killed Celeste, Im The Murderer, and chart topping hit Hey FBI, Its Me, I Did it, is being considered as someone law enforcement officials may want to bring in for questioning.."

"you have no idea what youve ignited in this wife" [cut to jimmy kimmel's wife doing an impression of karl malone]

dear god, please live stream the sign up day, please show me the type of ppl they get lining up for the military with this scheme

Stuart Little popping open a can to change a flat tire

it was cool she didnt even have to fly there, just crawled out of a television

They should invent a food that you don’t have to freakin rinse off

creating a database of internet users that do not celebrate the life of robert redford in a way that only i have vaguely defined as correct

Snakeman, 1983 https://botfrens.com/collections/27/contents/5263

give this a lot of reflection, but in my heart of hearts i simply do not think a shrimp could fry rice

I ate the beans in my Beanie Baby and now I am the Beanie Baby

god dammit, its mine

apple removed the jacks from phones because the technology was getting too advanced (the phones started moaning)

going to a family reunion tomorrow, just not sure whose family yet

apple removed the jacks from phones because the technology was getting too advanced (the phones started moaning)

what the fuck is this horseshit IMO Yellow Diamonds Look Like where charlie kirk can rest

this is obv Very Wild & Cool but cant help thinking the pic is a still from a sketch comedy show every time i see it

[loudly across the street to my neighbor of nondescript religious background] see you in Valhalla!

this is like when you see a table getting served their dinner even tho you ordered before them

[getting fired] so.. I’m told you texted your mother this morning to say, and I quote, “I never liked Charlie Kirk”

It's toast time.

trump should smile on the right side of his face more

we should be addressing our differences with CIVILITY not VIOLENCE, which is why i am now declaring CIVIL WAR

waiter: is pepsi ok pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

when we lose power but im still texting you about your small penis

id be happier but its well known that koalas are fervent anti-vaxxers 😔

makes you wonder tho huh

[loudly] BOY ETSY WITCHES SURE ARE COOL

the smoking broomstick

let the political ppl 'say the right thing' the rest of us can do what we want

not to be too controversial but 'is/was' lol

imagine it was supposed to miss like in butler but they hit him instead

all tattoos are temporary (because of death)

I love obsessively rehearsing interactions with cashiers then getting to the front of the queue and saying "have a nice thank you" and leaving without paying

inventor of worcestershire sauce: but what to call it guy that named wednesday: u ready to fuck some ppl up bro

when we lose power but im still texting you about your small penis

[the mighty lion, king of the jungle] dang it, a chair