[to sommelier after swirling wine in glass while holding it up to the light, inserting my nose and inhaling deeply, then taking a sip] this is pretty gross

Suspiciously asking my wife who's funding her anytime she criticizes me

Ever walked into a room and forgot how to feel?

“dawg, my goat is washed,” i say thru tears as i hold out my extremely clean goat

watching some grateful dead videos tonight, RIP Bob Weir 💀🌹🥀⚡️

“dawg, my goat is washed,” i say thru tears as i hold out my extremely clean goat

what an embarrassing time to exist

there should be olympic level doggy paddle

[bottom of a gambling ad showing a bunch of ppl having the best time thats ever been had] has fun like this ruined your life? well heres a phone number.

JUDGE: how does your client plead MY LAWYER: like a whiny little bitch your honor ME: hey quit it i do not JUDGE: whoa i see what you mean counselor MY LAWYER: right? so annoying

you could probably capture our president by writing "nobel peace prize" on a pie plate and putting it under one of those boxes held up with a stick tied to a string

i know its a little tacky but i left my xmas decorations up to act as January 6 decorations

Pisces: Against impossible odds, this year looks even worse for you.

Putting seasonal depression on the back burner so I can focus on my wartime anxiety

I'm getting mixed messages about what is okay to do to presidents

So here I am, with open arms

every time i turn on a womens uconn basketball game theyre always up by like 40 points lol

starting to really wonder about the selection process for this award

its a heaping pile of dogshit is what it is

shit! belated happy birthday to earth

[crashing sideways off my penny farthing] i had the right of way!

billboard: "visit boot hill, dodge city, 130 miles," near goddard, kansas, 1993

“twenty twenty six“ what even is that

[dead in the morgue] *one leg outside body bag*

[having previously only known it from the TV show] miami? heckuva vice i hear

it is kinda crazy that YouTubeTV will sometimes let you just skip a commercial and show you, like a deer in the woods or an ocean-side cliff at sunset for a little bit before the broadcast comes back

Bobby Hillzzler

"May you live in interesting times" No thank you

2025 has been such a clown fuck of a shit circus that i bet almost none of you remember they released the JFK files

me: what kind of animal is that tour guide: alaskan otter me: ok, let me know what he says

doctor: open up me: it all started when my dad- doctor: and say ahh me: oh doctor: no, 'ahh'

[purple smoke pours from the chimney] theyve chosen a new grimace

devil: youre here because you touch yourself at night me: thats not that bad devil: and during the day me: doesnt seem like a big deal devil: youre doing it right now me: you have to admit this is exciting

[car ad] you could totally race this illegally and win. you shouldn’t though.

me: we are so back patient: really? me: oh wait this chart is upside down, sorry, we are so over

it’s actually called lightgassing

if you get a handjob in canada on the Ides of March its called a Julius Squeezer

spider bitten by a radioactive human and gains the power to send four emails at once

[guy driving my hearse] you know what? i will have fries with that

stopping you in the middle of a conversation and asking the air "gork is this real," then motioning you to wait a second

[seeing white smoke coming out of my neighbors basement window] looks like steve chose a new pope

[inventor of the highlighter] i really enjoyed some of your book

bad news. doctor says the laziness has spread ..to my bones

white ppl love to make the rules and then say sorry i dont make the rules

i am a serious grown adult man so i only do things william nilliam

me: everything bagel plz him: even war? me: onion bagel plz

driving truly is a feast of the five senses; Seeing the road streaming at you, Feeling the vibration of the wheel under your fingers, Smelling the soup waft up from your lap, Tasting the soup with a spoon, Hearing the sirens chasing you

frankenstein pushing a bolt on his neck in, waiting for it to pop back out, and then using it to light a cigarette

[holding out can of whoop-ass] can you open this for me