There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

is it build a barn, it’s build a barn isn’t it

me: what are these yellow ones garden dept: forsythia? me: no, my girlfriend

*friend asking if he can keep his royal chairs at my glass house* No, we don’t stow thrones either

[chatting with AI Jesus] give me a recipe for you

Here are some nice mushrooms

[behind the scenes of mr beast shoot] how do my teeth look? are they large and bright? be honest are they hard to look at

mistakenly identified a mason bee as a carpenter bee and now their union is up my ass

[loudly within earshot of the universe] i sure hope no one reveals all their cosmic secrets to me today

Yes?? Obviously???

The time it takes to write a joke, from conception to birth, is the jestation period.

I haven’t seen Melania do something this crazy since she asked her friend Jeffrey Epstein to introduce her to Donald Trump.

ME: the existence of papayas imply the existence of mamayas WAITER: well we don’t have those

Hey, I realize you're all busy with other stuff right now but I wanted to just take a minute to make it very clear that I am not and have never been close friends with the Boston Strangler

She keeps poking me with a hairpin and says I can’t have the antidote if I don’t follow her instructions :(

Saw a couple of pigeons eating a piece of bagel in a park. Real pigeon stuff. I told them good job and keep it up.

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert waiter: that’s mousse, sir me: hmm, that might be too much

*guy cheering on nuclear war voice* why aren’t people having babies?

Working hard or flaccid working?

good weekend for trump to die so we can really see how much like jesus he is

getting kick out of the artemis II rocket for continually pressing my ass against the window and asking the captain if he sees the moon yet

[horse sliding a shot of whiskey in front of me] why the short face

[reading a book in first person] i dont remember doing any of this

well now..

me: ever heard of quasimodo him: doesn’t ring a bell me: i assure you he does

thinking about becoming pure of heart to get all those benefits i keep reading about

bondi just sittin around refreshing truth social

of course i celebrate the holy trinity (bite of sandwich, bite of pickle, bite of potato chip)

jesus: now that was a good hoagie judas: a good last lunch, excellent jesus: what? judas: nothing man, see you at supper

Follow your heart. Track its movements. Kill it before it destroys you.

[reading a book in first person] i dont remember doing any of this

i asked a magic 8 ball if everything was going to be ok and it collapsed in on itself like a dying star is that good

imagine dying on April 1st, no one would believe it!

how’s everyone doing with their march madness i myself am about ¾ insane

jesus: eat this, for it is my body. drink this, for it is my blood me one table over: guys..cmon

I just assume all you bros are the same bro, a timeless, ubiquitous every-bro to end all bros forever.

do you think Hello Kitty uses a toilet or a litterbox?

does jesus measure pasta like this or like this

not many people know this but lois lane has a cousin named life in the fast

“I asked ChatGPT”- ok well I asked the mycelium and it said to plant more trees and to tell you to return to the forest

Cashion, OK sounds nice

give me the meep, boys, and free my soul

guess tiger took losing fake video game golf pretty hard

havent seen anyone talking about it but this came out recently and just got it in the mail finally today Geese Live at Third Man Records It’s pretty fuckin good, this band is amazing at recreating their sound live

choosing my next vacation by looking at a list of spam call locations

my therapist said i have a tendency to blame other people for my problems and i told her that's my mother's fault

short answer: no long answer: nooooooooo

they’re building a new style of interchange here and i don’t think most men are going to be able to find their way around it

oh you think it’s soo funny that sora shit the bed and openai is going down the toilet, huh, well remember there are ppl that are sad about it and that’s funny too