fredesque
@fredtaming.bsky.social
📤 10222
📥 453
📝 3764
hello. he/him. fan of stuff. lover of things. enjoyer of items.
pinned post!
happy PRIDEMONTH 🤲 🟤🏳️🌈⚫💗
about 1 year ago
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me: im a private chef date: oh? what kinds of things do you cook me: [eyes narrow] wouldn't you like to know
over 1 year ago
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happy PRIDEMONTH 🤲 🟤🏳️🌈⚫💗
about 1 year ago
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[ first day as a villain ] him: hi, how are you me: very evil, thank you
over 2 years ago
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two girls, one cup, but its a refreshing glass of water on a hot summer day, and emphasizes the importance of sharing and hydration
3 days ago
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[to waiter] ..actually, can you change my order to a funky warm medina, plz
3 days ago
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opening mail: a new piece of paper i should probably keep for an indistinct amount of time hmmmm.. The Pile: feed me me: ah yes, The Pile The Pile: put it in me me: ok, lets calm down
3 days ago
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the cardinal in my yard, man, its 4 am bro😩
add a skeleton here at some point
7 days ago
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[birds getting cozy in their nests at night] can’t wait to scream my fucking balls off tomorrow
about 2 years ago
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of course i celebrate the holy trinity (bite of sandwich, bite of pickle, bite of potato chip)
9 months ago
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[addicted to lunch] its gotta be noon somewhere
4 months ago
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complimentary breakfast implies derogatory breakfast
18 days ago
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the hype
19 days ago
As a guy with half a trillion dollars, I have lots of options: 1. Enjoy a 100% stress-free life doing whatever I please in unfathomable luxury all over the world with people of my choosing 2. Have 87 meltdowns a day on a website
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sky
20 days ago
Every time you drink out of a straw you’re giving a tiny blowjob
add a skeleton here at some point
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Salty MacTavish
19 days ago
Oh to be a regular Joe in a flat cap clapping enthusiastically for some hepped-up circus clown diverting the crowd’s attention from the horrors
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Gef the Toking Mongoose
about 1 year ago
if you saw Big Bird without the context of Sesame Street you would cut him down with a shotgun
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asking the pilot to Take A Left because i do not want to fly over Tennessee
21 days ago
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hanging out on grassy knolls hoping for headshots
21 days ago
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using Uber Eats for the first time: thats right three 20 piece mcnuggets driver turning from drive thru window to me in the backseat: you know youre just supposed to order it at home
21 days ago
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oh my friend is a huge Wife Guy, yeah, 8 feet tall, completely made of wives, it's difficult to look at him
over 1 year ago
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housewives implies feral wives roaming free in the woods
almost 3 years ago
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sweetie π
30 days ago
bram stoker’s lasagna
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harpy
about 1 month ago
oh no I'm not a ballroom nut, i just keep one for self defense
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brent
30 days ago
[making up ghost story as I go along] but this was no ordinary Honda Accord
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Ygrene
about 1 month ago
was just loading the dishwasher a few moments ago and got a text from my wife who’s on a trip in Florida that just says “WRONG” ??
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Iansidious Is
30 days ago
Oh man! I need contact info for this company to see if they want to partner up with my app that shocks your genitals every time you do something really fucking stupid.
add a skeleton here at some point
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born miserable
about 1 month ago
JOHN FOGERTY: I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain JAMES TAYLOR: okay, you’re not gonna fucking believe this
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harpy
about 1 month ago
it's every man's dream to inherit a really big expensive watch. it's every woman's dream to shoot someone through the eye with a longbow
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Jason, ex Inferis
about 1 month ago
The people in that emergency life raft are more relaxed than I’ve ever been
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Ygrene
about 1 month ago
i hope i never accidentally get locked in the hotdogs factory at night and am forced to eat ninety six hotdogs until i am eventually rescued twenty three minutes later
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being that im a red blooded american patriot, i will only be enjoying my tacos while celebrating The Fifth of May
about 1 month ago
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Pandy Fackler
about 1 month ago
I'm the primary bread loser in my family
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Ygrene
over 2 years ago
the only defense i have against my wife when she calls me a nerd is at least i didn’t marry a nerd
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[uk nerds] fourth the may be with you
about 1 year ago
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her: yes i know that was a traffic light, please stop inventor of captcha: theres another one
about 1 month ago
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becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
over 2 years ago
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Swim Jeans 👖
about 1 month ago
FISH COP: do you know why I pulled you under
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her: yes i know that was a traffic light, please stop inventor of captcha: theres another one
about 1 month ago
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netflix and vaginal microbiome report?
about 1 month ago
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[first day as air traffic controller] happy May Day to you too!
about 2 years ago
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netflix and vaginal microbiome report?
about 1 month ago
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✋😐🤚 CINEMA
add a skeleton here at some point
about 1 month ago
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FROVO
about 1 month ago
ME: what are these red dots on my skin DR: those are bedbug bites ME: oh no what should i do DR: you need to sleep tighter
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donni saphire
about 1 month ago
I would make a great tree because I mainly just hang out and murmur to myself
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Ygrene
about 1 month ago
me (being murdered): hey i need to switch the laundry murderer (stops murdering): oh no you don't want that stuff sitting in the washer too long
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going to the club with some bros, we're gonna dance in a circle with our wallets and shoes on the floor in the middle
about 1 month ago
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microdosing old age by numbing my hand while i poop so it feels like someone else is wiping
about 1 month ago
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Dave Cactus
about 2 months ago
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
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about 2 months ago
is it build a barn, it’s build a barn isn’t it
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me: what are these yellow ones garden dept: forsythia? me: no, my girlfriend
about 2 months ago
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Jason, ex Inferis
about 2 months ago
*friend asking if he can keep his royal chairs at my glass house* No, we don’t stow thrones either
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