[bottom of a gambling ad showing a bunch of ppl having the best time thats ever been had] has fun like this ruined your life? well heres a phone number.

JUDGE: how does your client plead MY LAWYER: like a whiny little bitch your honor ME: hey quit it i do not JUDGE: whoa i see what you mean counselor MY LAWYER: right? so annoying

you could probably capture our president by writing "nobel peace prize" on a pie plate and putting it under one of those boxes held up with a stick tied to a string

i know its a little tacky but i left my xmas decorations up to act as January 6 decorations

Pisces: Against impossible odds, this year looks even worse for you.

Putting seasonal depression on the back burner so I can focus on my wartime anxiety

I'm getting mixed messages about what is okay to do to presidents

So here I am, with open arms

every time i turn on a womens uconn basketball game theyre always up by like 40 points lol

starting to really wonder about the selection process for this award

its a heaping pile of dogshit is what it is

shit! belated happy birthday to earth

[crashing sideways off my penny farthing] i had the right of way!

billboard: "visit boot hill, dodge city, 130 miles," near goddard, kansas, 1993

“twenty twenty six“ what even is that

[dead in the morgue] *one leg outside body bag*

[having previously only known it from the TV show] miami? heckuva vice i hear

it is kinda crazy that YouTubeTV will sometimes let you just skip a commercial and show you, like a deer in the woods or an ocean-side cliff at sunset for a little bit before the broadcast comes back

Bobby Hillzzler

"May you live in interesting times" No thank you

2025 has been such a clown fuck of a shit circus that i bet almost none of you remember they released the JFK files

me: what kind of animal is that tour guide: alaskan otter me: ok, let me know what he says

doctor: open up me: it all started when my dad- doctor: and say ahh me: oh doctor: no, 'ahh'

[purple smoke pours from the chimney] theyve chosen a new grimace

devil: youre here because you touch yourself at night me: thats not that bad devil: and during the day me: doesnt seem like a big deal devil: youre doing it right now me: you have to admit this is exciting

[car ad] you could totally race this illegally and win. you shouldn’t though.

me: we are so back patient: really? me: oh wait this chart is upside down, sorry, we are so over

it’s actually called lightgassing

if you get a handjob in canada on the Ides of March its called a Julius Squeezer

spider bitten by a radioactive human and gains the power to send four emails at once

[guy driving my hearse] you know what? i will have fries with that

stopping you in the middle of a conversation and asking the air "gork is this real," then motioning you to wait a second

[seeing white smoke coming out of my neighbors basement window] looks like steve chose a new pope

[inventor of the highlighter] i really enjoyed some of your book

bad news. doctor says the laziness has spread ..to my bones

white ppl love to make the rules and then say sorry i dont make the rules

i am a serious grown adult man so i only do things william nilliam

me: everything bagel plz him: even war? me: onion bagel plz

driving truly is a feast of the five senses; Seeing the road streaming at you, Feeling the vibration of the wheel under your fingers, Smelling the soup waft up from your lap, Tasting the soup with a spoon, Hearing the sirens chasing you

frankenstein pushing a bolt on his neck in, waiting for it to pop back out, and then using it to light a cigarette

[holding out can of whoop-ass] can you open this for me

ive crunched the numbers, and its not looking good. theyre pretty much ruined by all the crunching, i owe you new numbers

[interview with a vampire] where do you see yourself in 105 years

BF: Dinner's ready Me: One sec, need to write a post that saves the United States of America

[enjoying a pleasant summer’s eve on the porch] ME: this douche is delicious

Jesus: I am the light of the world Jesus’s brother Jeff: Here we go

These weren’t all huge hits, but here are my favorite mushrooms of 2025

You can pretend to have your shit together if you want. They don’t really check

2026 will be the year of the highlighter pen, mark my words