interviewer: hello- me: please do not look into my social media presence

good morning to everyone out there except people who are speedrunning the downfall of society

Banging out reskeets while I fix the kids breakfast because I'm a provider

I love the smell of telling your boss you got a new job and are leaving

It’s so funny when I pet my cat and he immediately starts cleaning the area…I’m so sorry I sullied you with my love, asshole

the smell of teen spirit was way better when i was one

sometimes when a person asks me why I’m single all I hear is “why don’t you want to be a full grown man’s unpaid nurse therapist receptionist cook manager…”

Too much for some, not enough for others. This year, I vow to keep it all for myself.

when things are tough like they are now, I like to share a cool thing I learned recently with the hope that it will add some good to someone's day: roughly translated, "buca di beppo" means "buca of beppo"

It’s an hour past my bedtime. Please note I will be unavailable tomorrow due to insufficient beauty rest.

tough day ended with me scooping up my underwear with my foot and catching it on the first try. it’s a little better now

big day for redacted thoughts

I don't know who needs to hear this, but cops are not allowed to shoot people just because you didn't do what they said. That is called murder when they do that. Some cops are working hard to convince people otherwise.

Never mind that this isn’t the definition of doxing in the first place, but you can’t dox a federal employee. If you’re a public servant, your identity isn’t “hidden.” It’s on public records. People can access those public records.

the effort it takes to write a joke skeet could power a potato peeler for like five whole seconds

Sesame Street never prepared me for any of this

whoever brings about the next version of the Nuremberg trials here in America, has my vote

seems like a good time to show people who say she was trying to drive over him with her car what trying to drive over someone with your car really looks like.

‘soy un perdedor’, I quietly sing to my dog as we lie nose to snout while she patiently waits for breakfast

Watching the news these days is probably what it feels like to be awake during surgery.

Any New Years resolution I make is AI

if nothing else, do something nice for a stranger today.

We’re currently in that section of the history book with a map and bunch of arrows all over it

Did you know it is ok to be wrong about things and change your opinion on them accordingly upon hearing new information

I often visit the supermarket wearing my pajamas but with the attitude and air of Erica Kane

never underestimate the seductive power of a plate of loaded nachos

you’d think she’d look happier

Any chance Nicolás Maduro charms the president Mamdani-style and ends up a Kennedy Center honoree?

ever since I was a child, I knew I wanted to one day have 13 streaming apps, all of which hide the closed captioning options in a different place

No one gives a fuck. -Me, about your New Year's resolutions.

Fool me once, fuck off.

I wish more people would fuck off.

These tits have never been calm. Nary a pill has chilled me. Not a single horse has ever been held

what if dicks were like elephant trunks in that you could like stick it in a glass of water and suck up all the water then spray it wherever and then reach out and grab hold of a peanut

if you comment on my post and i don't reply or like it, please take this as the highest form of disrespect and an aggressive slight in my people’s culture.

for the longest time, i followed an account and always thought the avi was a cocker spaniel until one day i enlarged it and saw it was a person with really long hair.

I like to watch horror flicks with my cats so they know how safe and lucky they are to live with me

all underwear are edible underwear with some grit and determination

it’s so weird how the people you mute suddenly stop interacting with you

happy disgraced president tries to overthrow the government day!

AWW. The ghost in my house just asked me where the lactaid was ❤️

I know it's slightly belated but I would like to take this opportunity to wish former Prime Minister Stephen Harper an incredibly fatal 2026

he makes me melt like a green m&m in his mouth

does drinking rum before noon make you a pirate

if you’re with someone who doesn’t close the toothpaste with a screw on cap, you’re with a lost cause

Sitting under my SAD lamp absorbing beams of life

Whatever they're doing to keep Trump upright seems to have gone beyond healthcare and is bordering on necromancy

Whenever a woman flirts with me, my bowtie spins uncontrollably