I don't run, it's more of a skedaddle

Googled my symptoms and it turns out I’ve been dead for 3000 years

Anal sex with a virgin, also known as… hitting rock bottom.

I’m just a perimenopause dirt bag baby.

But your honor, he didn’t like the way I’ve decorated my crypt with the skulls of my enemies??

The Open is done, bring on quarterfinals 🔥

skeet and delete: a survival tactic

They say that the universe is slowing down as it gets older. You and me both, universe, you and me both.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making dumbasses too stupid to understand they're idiots

“United States vs Trump” ….. Coming soon to a courtroom near you.

The worst thing a species can be is delicious.

I long for the simpler times when all we had to fear was immigrants eating out pets

Adult colouring books are great for relieving stress

Buyer’s remorse but it’s just the look on my wife’s face when she realised that we can’t afford a divorce.

It's been a long time since things have been hunky and/ or dory

You won't believe what I would do for a Klondike bar (drive to the store and buy one)

*looking at gas prices* I hope you got a Flintstones car.

What part of "war UH good god what is it good for? Absolutely nothing" did you not understand?

I have decided not to get out of bed until I have a grandson who can win me a golden ticket.

I'll pass on the year in review.

America's Terrible, Stupid, Useless, Fascist, Repugnant, Planet Destroying, Very Bad, Not Good Government.

It’s sad when something you used to love disappoints you. It’s tragic when it’s your own fucking country.

ever see a picture of someone and think “doable” and then realize you’re browsing the obituaries?

you should eat healthier but also a salad costs $40 now

When you block me I make a funny little noise like a bluetooth speaker disconnecting

Eating Kale is proof you just don't like yourself.

Lloyd the Llama llaughs llongingly while lloitering at the LL Bean llounge as he llanguishes the Llacroix llibation from LL Cool J.

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn't double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

Thanks for making me not trust red hats forever

You think Medusa had snake pubes?

My account is basically a time capsule

[first date] Me: *sliding a napkin with writing on it across the table* "Dearest Sarah, We have grown apart in these many minutes ... "

It takes time to acclimate. *chokes self unconscious*

Pot. Kettle. Black. You were driving just as fast as I was, officer.

Exercising out of spite is still exercise.

(During sex) Does this count as my community service, Your Honor?

“What do you mean you know where I live?” he flirted.

Moldy house lady writes bigoted books for little shit babies.

Not to brag but I didn’t murder anyone this weekend.

Late night tacos would fix me.

Sorry I’m late, I couldn’t find my pants.

It should be illegal to wear pants on the weekend.

Sex skeets should only work if you're hot. So you should just stop

Gonna sincere post my way through it

I’ve started giving handjobs for gas money.

Fox News… Feeding American Rage Since 1996

I used to negotiate with myself until the Catholic school nuns beat it out of me

Told my dentist friend that he should call his work WhatsApp group 'Tooth Social' and now he's just my dentist.

It doesn’t matter how many more weapons you have when you have a doofus in charge of the strategy.

There’s a meth head to my madness