What I like most about BlueSky is how on twitter I always felt like I was an outsider looking in and I do here too, so it really feels just like home.

Once upon a time my wife would bend me to her will using just her feminine charm coupled with the threat of withholding ‘favours’. These days all it takes is the tactical deployment of a bacon sammich. To be honest, we’re both happier for it.

Relationship status: staring wistfully at store mannequins dressed in yoga pants for just a few seconds longer than is decent in polite society.

You can tell a lot about a person if you read their biography.

I just discovered that you can buy anyone if the price is right, and it turns out that I'm available for a bacon sandwich and a quarter bottle of rubbing alcohol.

Welcome to your 40s. You now have a pair of reading glasses in every room of the house.

People don’t spontaneously combust like they used to.

Coffee because I’m too pretty for jail.

As soon as somebody tells me they’re a Christian, they become red flag immediately.

Nowadays it’s all “alpha to ozempic”

On the hunt for pedophiles…? Check the church first.

my weight loss plan is vomiting if I even glance at the news

Having a black cat means sometimes I talk to a sweater on my bed.

If you scream sing Phantom of the Opera throughout the day, more times than not, people will leave you alone.

is that a skeet in your pocket or are you just happy to see me

I think we can stop calling them “ICE agents” and just refer to them as domestic terrorists because that’s exactly what they are

They want to light the match You best bring the fucking petrol,baby

opening a portal to Hell y'all need anything?

someone jump inside my brain and churn the thing that does the thinking

If we're all just saying obvious shit now, I don't think we should have to pay for every channel separately.

getting flipped off by the president is now a higher honor than a nobel prize. it’s only a matter of time before he flips himself off

knuckle tattoos are just vanity plates for your hands

How many vanilla chapsticks can you eat per week

My food pyramid is a garlic bulb.

Remember the days when stupid people didn’t have the internet and you could easily ignore them?

This continues to be a life advice account…

I should really be working right now. And yet, here I am.

🧵 The autoworker at the Dearborn Truck Plant is a proud member of a strong and fighting union—the UAW. He believes in freedom of speech, a principle we wholeheartedly embrace, and we stand with our membership in protecting their voice on the job.

Was late for work again because my tie got stuck in the 7-Eleven hot dog spinner

Welcome to Baltimore

you know what else gets better with age? movies that stream for free.

there are 2 demogorgons inside you

Shout out to my anxiety for never leaving me. 🫶

it is my dream to live in a country where carrying a gun around in public makes you a huge pussy

i've just discovered i'm telepathic and i know what you're thinking ("that fart was yours")

Come here so I can put my cold feet on you.

Thinking of starting an animated tv series called Buttplug Radomsky.

Whoever invented Scrabble was into some really word shit.

Pam Bondi is going to announce tomorrow that Jerome Powell tried to ram Donald Trump with his car

Bring back a time when weekends felt like a reward instead of a recovery period

at what point should I be worried the acid reflux is going to dissolve me

somehow breathing and farting must be connected

🙂

irrelevant your honor my client has never made a secret of loving pikachu in all senses of that word

This day in history. 2019. Saudi teen Rahaf Mohammed was granted asylum by Canada. She wanted to avoid being murdered by her religious extremist family and to experience Medieval Times Dinner & Tournament, Toronto, a Knight to Remember; Bring the whole retinue.

I should win a Golden Globe for the act I put on each day at work I hate it there

Woke up with generalized anxiety about being invaded by rapist thugs

I spend 65% of my time trimming ear, nose & eyebrow hair. Getting old is bullshit.