I never believed it was butter

When the NASA astronauts came ashore in San Diego…

today would have been my father’s 80th birthday I wish he was still here

I think word is getting around the raccoon community that I’m the best marshmallow dealer

ask not for whom the tummy aches; it aches for me

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

I have never clicked yes to "Was this article helpful?"

“Who’s at the door?” “Bee.” “Fine, who be at the door?”

“Are you the branch manager?” “Yes I am, how can I help you?” “I would like two branches, please.” “How would you like that?” “Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

I got a motherfucking head cold

I’ll take a fair weather friend if they come equipped with some fair weather.

bestie: where are you getting your colonoscopy done? me: in my butthole

Stop using copilot or whatever your companies are pushing you to use at work. They want you to train your replacements, dummy.

I didn't post yesterday and bluesky went down. Coincidence?

Bitch, why would you block the kindest, nicest person ever? [Me]

How many bolo ties do you wear on a first date ?

a meet cute but it’s just a giant meteor, taking us all out

calories don't count if you don't remember what the fuck you ate it’s science

This day in history. 1680. Mohawk saint Kateri Tekakwitha died near Montreal. Her spirit form however kept popping up for several weeks in front of her friends shouting PEEKABOO and BOOGA BOOGA.

"You're just a layabout who thinks he knows everything." "It's lieabout."

The heel part of the sock is a different color fabric. Rather than on your heel though it lands half way up the back of your leg.

The reply was funnier than the skeet.

sure Spring is lovely but have you seen a blooming onion? truly, mother nature at her finest

He told me I have a nice rack and started sniffing my coriander.

Edward Scissorhands could of at least had a pizza cutter

I scream when I see anything resembling a bug, and yet I have more testicular fortitude than the Republicans in Congress.

The "AI just eliminated my 20-year career, here's why that's good" posts on LinkedIn are reaching the level of fever dream.

I can even fuck up breathing *over here choking to death on my own saliva

If your nickname is longer than your actual one, that's now legally your name

thank you thank you… this next number is called “yellow dial soap in my pee hole”

Trump’s a braggart, if USrael was winning the war he wouldn’t have blocked satellite images from being released.

This day in history. 1832. Cumbrian farmer Joseph Thompson went into Carlisle to auction off his wife, with her consent. A large crowd gathered but the winning bid was only twenty shillings and Thompson even had to throw in his Newfoundland dog Roger to sweeten the deal.

*scrolls right past your sideways selfie post* I’ve got enough problems.

Brakes are great if you feel like slamming on something

Today is National Beer Day! *does tequila shots*

To help ease oil and gas prices, the United States is destroying Iran's ability to export oil. Non-4D chess people won't understand.

Instead of getting a vasectomy, I'm just going to drink nothing but Mountain Dew

Being unemployed still rules... only thing on my to do list today is steal a packet of ranch dressing from wawa

what the world needs now is to watch the astronauts eat spaghetti

I'm holding out for a hero but not 'til the end of the night, I want one by mid afternoon at the latest.

Ok Godzilla, now would be great.

I have risen. (From my coffin to the fridge where I keep the blood of my enemies)

“I just feel really empty on the inside.” -hollow chocolate bunny

Look, America. It's him or me. I can't do this anymore

I am also back after a three day break but you don't see me making a big deal about it

My favorite part of the Bible is when Jesus rose from the dead and Daryl shot him in the head with his cross bow