Waiting for my wife to approve this Halloween costume of a husband who can make decisions independently

Dads don’t need the A/C, they just pop the collar on their tucked in polos to stay cool

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world has returned back to normal

Just got back from 10YOs last science project fair of the year, and happy to share that since 1st grade utill now there has been a tremendous growth in the effort put in by the parents

My wife still brings up that one time in 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

A slow cooker shaped phone. Call it a crock a dial

From now on I am telling myself all my skeets have been bangers, the likes just disappeared

Walked my dog past a group of dads at a barbecue, now my dog won’t stop talking about property taxes

It’s not a couch covered in laundry, it’s an art installation titled “couch made of laundry”

I know things ordinary people don't know because ordinary people don't talk to squirrels.

My kids are hooked onto bubble tea. A friend said their kid threw up after trying it at a new place. I am so excited to find that store and take my kids there so they experience that and give up boba tea

Regular coffee comes from beans, expensive coffee from Mercedes beans

I’m starting a new game at work, it’s called “if you use the word ‘good’ in the same sentence as the word ‘morning’ you owe me a coffee”

To the world you may mean nothing, but to someone you may mean especially nothing

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world has returned back to normal

If your kid is struggling with constipation or taking a bath what really works for us is asking them to do the dishes, those magic words get them straight to the bathroom

Everytime a child makes a dad joke a Home Depot stud finder proudly beeps

What’s your favorite track from this festival?

a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single: "who wants to go for a walk? who's a good boy?!" —shih tzu

Please don’t sit next to me… Please don’t sit next to me… Please don’t sit next to me… FUCK! - me on public transport

Instagram went down today. It’ll stop once it gets married

Happy Monyay!

For Lent I am giving up asking permissions from my wife, once she says it’s ok

Every 27th email of the day from the school should include a discount code for couples therapy or a liquor store or both

Teacher: What’s this constellation called? Brian: Orion Bryan: Oryan

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

My five year old was watching the snow fall and said, snow is just cloud poop I’ll never be able to make snow angels again

Things I've learned: - humour is an indicator of intelligence - if she says she's crazy, believe her - always stash an emergency roll of toilet paper

Are they sure it's not 4.9?

i feel like i might be just one bologna sandwich away from new leggings, so let the hunger games begin

because nobody wants to listen to Devin play the damn bongos again for six fucking hours

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

Introverts wear glasses to avoid eye contacts

Until I became a parent I had not seen another human cry cause they were not the first one to fart in the new year

Guys just relax women really mean it when they say, “no Christmas gifts this year”

Things that grew rapidly this year 1. Bitcoin 2. AI 3. My stomach

I’m keeping the romance alive by gift wrapping my wife’s Christmas presents which she ordered from Amazon

My kids go through so much shampoo, I’m convinced that they drink it. On the bright side they’ll have a very smooth and silky esophagus

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2387 words

"This is not my first rodeo," I proclaim confidently, not realising I've signed up for the circus.

[every time I cook] Me: Hmm, how can improve this meal? *adds more cheese*

Married Wrapped 2024 list is out! My most heard tunes were 1. What’s for dinner 2. Did you even look?! (Explicit) 3. Never mind! I’ll do it myself

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

I rearranged the icons on my desktop so they look neater I'm done for the day.

Pharmacist: may I help you? Me: Can I see the menu, please?

At worst, using a lot of slang terms used to make older people think you sounded uneducated. Now it makes you sound like an escaped mental patient on cocaine

Hey that's my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!