My youngest has been wanting to roast marshmallows lately, but it’s 95° and crazy humid so now he and I are roasting marshmallows in air conditioning with a tea light beside the kitchen sink.

my kid when he finds a $.16 on the ground: LOOSTERS KEEPERS

If you eat Doritos after midnight, they morph into nuggets

That scene in Talladega Nights where Ricky Bobby is on camera and doesn’t know what to do with his hands, except that’s my entire personality when someone compliments me

My cute new doctor asked if I think my recent general anxiety is due to the country devolving into authoritarian rule and I think I'm in love??!

I’m so behind on current pop culture. “Here’s Coco Melon Cupcake Dinglehopper wearing Sliminnie Flingbop Cerberus couture on the red carpet.”

me: I think this one’s my favorite out of this collection. my kid: Mom, you would look just like Monday Addams in that!

🎵 blue jean baby super serious faced ANT FARM LADY

if reincarnation is a thing, i wanna come back as a skunk so people run when they see me

This is Kiss My Fat Ash here who is about to be awarded my post of the day award………….be quiet shhhhhh We’re going in. SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!! It’s POST OF THE DAY AWARD 🥇 Come on peeps Time to show some appreciation 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

cauliflower doesn’t deserve you heathens.

not me over here fighting off escaping harvester ants while i try to scoop out crunched up little corpses with a tiny spoon and a headlamp

🎵 that’s me in the corner that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite trying to catch a pigeon

you can’t hurt me, you’re not a spicy ramen noodle i sucked up my nose

underwire out here just fightin’ for its life

Out in Appalachian woods, just assume that if you can hear them, they can smell you.

My 7-year-old affectionately calls this guy BIG RED HORNY DRAGON and I don’t even correct him. These days won’t last forever.

One day you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re on Facebook leaving negative reviews for Littleton Coin Company for sending unsolicited coins and products to your minor child and then trying to bill him for it.

i was complimented four different times on my mismatched-but-paired-together moth necklace and cameo necklace while out running errands this weekend so clearly this must have been how christie brinkley felt in the 80s

foggy mountain breakdown

i miss people and i’m never very good at telling them.

✂️

it’s friday the 13th so go wash your butt for good luck

My 7-year-old affectionately calls this guy BIG RED HORNY DRAGON and I don’t even correct him. These days won’t last forever.

Look, Ma! My mutuals are fighting again!

Fun Fact: Coleslaw was originally known as Cole’s Law, dating from the late 1800s when the village of Cole’s Hole was, for several weeks, ruled with a creamy iron fist by a (sentient?) bowl of shredded cabbage in a tart mayonnaise dressing

captcha this asstcha, bot-face

waterboarded by noise

Remember when Obama was president, and the biggest outrage of the day was that there was a FREE album by U2 on our iPhones we couldn't delete?

if reincarnation is a thing, i wanna come back as a skunk so people run when they see me

vaJOYna

call me crazy but I like to know how many vaginas my second favorite marsupial has

[Stephen Miller voice] M̵̢̡̨̛͚̮̩͚̘͓̖̪̜̜̠̪͉͙͓̰̹̪̻͖̼̩͑͐̓́̔̇̿̈́̽́̿̐̿̃͒̆̆̑̆͂̈́̎͗̉̆̈̚͘͘͝͠y̷̢̧̢̧͉̥͎̳̗̱̯̰̮͙̟̝̯͓̗̜̭̗̪͙̙̮̝̦͈͖͈̫̯̬̜̥̯͈̻̠͚̺̰̥͉̝̰͓͗́̇͒̍̆͐̅̏̂̇̓̊̋͌̈́̓͒̒̀͠ͅͅ ̵̧͖̰̯͎͕̜̻͚̱͓̜̞̱͎͈͕̖͇̼͈̬͇̳̩̠̝̫͉̟̳͈̲͕͊̃͑́̄̉͛͘͜w̵̢̧̡̜͈̣̪̺͇̣̲̪͖͕̏̾͊̈́̋͊̌̿̈̃́̄͊̀̂̊̈́̓̀̈́̐̾̉̎́̀͗̈́͒̂̍͑̀͂͆̇̆́͌̚̚͠͠ĩ̸̧̡̨̛͉͚͎̣͎̪̱̦̳͇̝͇̩̮̦̣̗̰͚̞̻͕̘̮̱͋̐͐̀́͆̌͊͗̆͂̊̓̎͛͆̈́̍͛̑͗̎͐͗̇̎͗̋̏̃̈́̐̄̔̀̓̅̑̇͋̚͘̕͜͝ͅf̸̢̧̛̛̬̯̲̖̱̱̻̹̠̰̰̥̫̝͖͇̮̺̘̤̝̜̝̣͖̈́̀͋̌̊̓̂̒̓̅̔̽̒͊́̇͂̊̏̇̄̆̊͌̓͊͋͜͠ȩ̵̛̬͔̮͕̖̱̘͙̗͎͇͍̝͎̦̻͇̲̖̣̮͈̘̮̩̯͉̭̹̬̙͕͔̬͚̤͓͉̙̎͛̔͆̇̅̏̑͛̎̊̎͗͋͑̌̆̿̾̈́̑̈͠͝ͅͅͅ

Everytime I log on everything is horrible 🥲

What I lack in coolness I make up for in underboob sweat.

OK, confession. I cut my own hair. Most of you know that though. 😂 I don’t have a hair appointment with anyone but myself, if that counts. Wish me luck. I might trim a few inches just to take some of the weight off. I don’t hate it right now, but it’s heavy and hot. ☀️

It’s so weird that incels think having a cat is an insult. “Yeah, you suck because you have a CUTE FURRY LOVABLE CREATURE. And, uhh, your kids probably love it too. And your spouse. And, hmm, uh, well, I bet you SNUGGLE at night happily with the little cutie.” What a burn. 💀

why is it that when you decide you need a haircut and schedule an appointment, a stranger will randomly compliment your hair and then you’re mentally like, “NOW I HAVE TO CANCEL MY APPOINTMENT”

Roses are red Don’t spray me with mace

Lets you know that you forgot something, but it doesn’t tell you what. Dick move, brain.

absolutely going to die on the hill that the word "introvert" has a specific meaning and that meaning is not interchangeable with "shy" or "socially awkward"

Biblically Accurate Strawberry!!!

strawbehemoth

proof of life: skirt edition

i can’t be the only one who remembers the bonsai kitten internet hoax, right?

Thinking about going online and having a meltdown over a joke

i’m in my old lady pants era and i don’t care who knows it. we’ve all been missing out on those alfred dunner stretchy waists.