As I sit here with a log crackling in the fireplace, absentmindedly stroking the dog's head, my eyes are drawn to the handmade stockings hanging from the mantel, then to the tree, with its myriad sparkling lights, and I think to myself, boy, would my rabbi be disappointed in me.

rubbing my face to spread the squalene oils naturally secreted by the skin under my fur; it's adorable and increasing my buoyancy 👍

You know, I’m something of a Great Value brand Multipurpose Brush myself Which is to say I’m very useful and generally ok to be around but sometimes I get shoved into some funky shit and I’m expected to improve things

On the plus side, Teslas sustain almost no damage in front end collisions; the tow truck takes all the impact.

Blaming a year for how bad things are is so 2020

grinch tree complete

Well she was a frigging harpy and she hated me, so no, thanks anyway

The shingles vax made me feel a bit run down for a day and a half Vs the debilitating nerve pain *plus other horrible shit* of ACTUAL FKN SHINGLES I’ll take the vax. All day long.

The shingles vaccine could lay me out for a week and I'd prefer that to shingles.

Not as many babies named Walter, I’m noticing

As soon as I get this bird feeder hung it’s dinner for you finches

I can’t believe I’m the same species as some of the people I interact with on FB Marketplace

Pink Floyd 1988 Metallica (Justice tour) Counting Crows 1997 Dave Brubeck 2003ish Big Wreck 2018

who is following you dorks that you feel the need to repeatedly post that mtg is not on the side of the angels. it feels like spending a lot of time telling people not to eat hams they find on the ground

help i fell down a well and i've decided to stay

We used to be a proper country

Happy happy birthday to our dear @elenizarro.bsky.social One of my proudest moments was a mutual friend telling me “ELeni thinks you’re funny” It’s been pretty much downhill since Happy day, Ellie Girl

You have one job

some tech bro is gonna be like "disrupt the way u toilet" and the next day eleven people are crammed into an outhouse and sent to the moon

Me: (on a road trip in the family Dragula) STOP SLAMMING IN THE BACK, ROB

We need work requirements for Congress.

*using a Sharpie to write “Juicy” on the ass of my cargo shorts*

If you like my work, please share and subscribe. I'm trying to override a variety of shadowbans and broken algorithms. Thank you!

Facebook t-shirts say shit like Im a FEBRUARY GUY I drive a FORKLIFT and I can totally MAKE MY WIFE CUM dont mess with me because I HAVE LOST CUSTODY

Exactly how I landed the current job

Good morning! You feel like you’re going crazy because their attempts to bludgeon you into submission with weaponized unreality aren’t working on you. Keep it up. You’re doing great.

Important update

Teef

O to be a place of rest for a little dude

My friend took this picture and I think people need to see it.

Who up who telling theyself little stories about who they’d like to be

My last batch sold out (yayyy!) so I ordered more since they came out great and they’re fun 🐌💕 DM me if ya wanna order some cute/weird snail stickers and support your local (or not local) artsy friend from the internet! 🎉

Sometimes if I can’t find a way to be kind to myself, I look around at the friends and people who choose to have me around and think “I really can’t be that bad if this is the company I keep. Because they’re fucking awesome”

imma write a book about philosophy & call it “I Kant. Even” or “I Used to Get High. Marx” or “For Hume. The Bell Tolls” or “Bacon & Eggs-istentialism” or “I Feel Like Thoreau-ing Up” or

pavlov: my hair is so dry dog: should have conditioned it

White people love a reenactment

Thoughts and prayers and sword wielding bears.

Updatò Importanté

Local Rodent

How many calories does constant seething rage burn

i once wrote a story about Zeus & Athena. it was one for the aegis . folks,,

Important update

[painfully loud cymbal crash] *monkey flees the scene