Pretending to be normal is exhausting.

enjoy death cab for cutie? you'll love Life Cab For Uggo

good news! we're all going to die one day

I'm looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I'm pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

Anxena: Worrier Princess

go ahead steal my identity, what are you gonna do with that, get denied a loan?

help i fell down a well and i've decided to stay

This candy tastes terrible. I better eat the rest of the bag right now to get rid of it.

everything feels ~*extra*~ stupid today, right?

actually—-and this is the truth—-we’re a little bit fucked

dreams are pointless but nightmares are forever

breaking news: i'm fucking broken.

whenever an automatic door doesn't open for me i get excited that maybe im a ghost

This email could have been a life sentence

diverting the water directed to data centers to my spa for horses

thought I found a message in a bottle but it was just a piece of ship

maybe i'm finally broken enough to write something good

in other news, it's terrible everywhere

"NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!" my children yell at me.

can’t. busy seeing how many costco blueberries I can fit in my pee hole

People always tell you that things are different after marriage and I thought I knew what that meant so I didn't worry about it but I've been married for two days now and I'm not really sure what to do about the tentacles.

happy "the car clock is finally correct" day to all who celebrate

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, you also miss 100% of the shots you take, for this reason you are off the team.

no one asked for an extra hour of life. read the room.

tying off my arm so i can shoot up some gravy

Me: [serving looks] The rest of the dinner table: please, we're starving

legends of the fall?? my vote goes to the leaves

Alexa, how do you get wine stains off of a cat?

getting off social media is self care. fortunately i do not care about myself

Your Honor, my client is a super freak. She's super freaky.

I just want coconut peanut butter ok, that's all

I don't trust people who are out of the office with limited access to email. What the hell are you doing

an iPhone curated video of your nut vids set to a jazzy lil tune

a kaleidoscope made of pants getting wider and thinner across generations

Sleep deprivation counts as a controlled substance, right?

Sorry my seasonal depression and your period synced up and we accidentally started a coven that just cries and eats cereal for dinner.

(explaining existence to an american) what if there was a hamburger

showing my barber a picture of a $100 bill and saying i want this

Early humans were online an hour, maybe two hours, per day

People say Bluesky is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

Dr. Frankenstein after two beers: “Bro be super fucking real with me do you think I could make a guy”

I plead the fifth of vodka your honor

Wish for something the fountain will enjoy like maybe a baby duck or direct deposit

Following up after a client didn't respond to my text. Accidentally hit em with "hello?" instead of "hello!" We had a good run.

Have your demons summon my demons.

A haunted house but it's annoying guys from your past asking how your parents are doing

getting ready to celebrate hot fall girl bod by wearing only mashed potatoes and gravy

cocaine so introverted it’s called solcaine

so weird holding your baby, like i grew this whole thing???