"Papa John's" feels too familiar. i prefer the formal "Father Toilet"

Brutus: *stabbing Caesar* Caesar: Haha this is so us

electric slides of march

maybe the national treasure we were searching for was nicholas cage all along

me about my sleep paralysis demon: i can fix him

Uhg, I can't relax right now. I have something eating away at me. I'll deal with it

la croixdes of march

at what age between baby and adult does watching someone sleep become offputting

well, there’s your problem. you went to the desert on a horse with no name. all the nameless horses are slow and have no sense of direction. now, Speedy Desertknower right here, he would have gotten you in and out of that desert in 4 hours, 6 max

online shopping as a competitive sport hosted by steve harvey

Sure, calling it chicken gravy is fine, but I just feel that ‘roostershire sauce’ would’ve been so much better.

pretending im panning for gold while i wash out my dog’s bowl

the incredible high of a clean house where a baby lives

baby sleeping in my armpit. i can't blame him, probably smells like last night's kielbasa

Word on the street is STOP

Friday the 13th Pi day the 14th Ides day the 15th

this book on data visualization is all over the place, a real scatter plot

Hi, nice to meet you. Would you like to exchange pleasantries while masking our true selves

fart jokes are low brow but they really gas me up

if I had to choose I would scream in italian by default

I don’t have a mood that can’t be expressed by slide whistle

Second Friday the 13th in a row right before the Ides of March has to mean positive change is right around the corner

the first law of shitposting bad posting = good posting

People should whistle like a tea kettle when they're getting annoyed

a salute to the fallen apples who made this pi day possible

me: (does not have it) ok got it

Is it just me or is cannibalism a lot of work

geese should be allowed to drive cars, they are the best at honking

I'm horny for vanilla married sex. I don't have enough energy for that freaky shit.

i’d like to think saturday the 14th is actually jason’s favorite day

gonna summon a crossroads demon, anyone need anything?

You’re allowed to go mad in March. It’s a whole thing.

i literally always have a bee in my bonnet

*global warfare breaks out* Me: I can’t believe I took my Christmas trees down for this

the nose is undoubtedly the nipple of the face

By my count we’re up to at least 17 stages of grief

what if we all just started screaming what then

show dominance by pooping your pants

how long did cousin it stop shaving to achieve such impressive results

if at first you don’t succeed, you’ve succeeded at failure

when you compare it to a normal day, friday the 13th isn’t even that scary anymore

celebrating st patrick’s day early by eating a stick of kerrygold butter

The penis is the fingergun of the groin

Yo people, why pick up kids from school if they have to go there again tomorrow?

bouncing on it in a way that aligns with shareholder expectations

Pronouncing hors d’oeuvres like Whores Devores

a remote control that shocks anyone who watches tiktoks without headphones

Nobody double dog dares anymore

don’t ask if my computer is backed up it’s none of your bitness

Extra big shoehorn for my onesie