I've been using egg salad as body lotion

Murder hornets were a complete bust.

[doing the bare minimum] how dare you expect more from me

it's not you i don't trust it's the cloud of mosquitoes that follows you around

ok did people just stop writing books for kids or did everywhere just stop selling them

if a dog can have a blog then a mosquito can have a burrito

run away and build a snow castle just like elsa

which paw patrol dog works for ice

does anyone want to kill me pls

traveling back in time so i can call benjamin franklin a bitch

I really love that part of the massage when the therapist chokes you out with Enya playing in the background

does anyone know if the energizer bunny is still going?

I'm the type of dad that always brings wet wipes on vacation because I care about everyone's butthole.

strategically placed clutter performatively messy bedroom aesthetic

medically prescribed cheesecake

*lasers shooting out of my nipples* look on my works ye mighty and despair

pray for a love as pure as frodo and sam

the secret life of the american teenage mormon wife

my mission today is to trick myself and at least one other person into smiling

Girls be like 'I really needed this' and it’s just a coffee and a dark rainy morning

In search of a new proctologist, no experience necessary.

tipping my somberero at funerals

the hardest part of being a mom is forgetting that people actually don't want to hear about your goddamn kids all day

family pack of cigarettes

everyone knows space orgies don’t count as cheating so enjoy yourselves out there, astronauts

skin is the bread of the human

she's a ten but she's a seven who's bad at math

every party with the kool aid man is a wet t-shirt party

the greatest innovation in human history is “slap that shit between some bread”

she's a ten but she insists you call her ole sammy nine fingers

Emptied my bra out onto the counter and now I have breakfast for today and tomorrow.

You know who has been suspiciously quiet about all this lately? The prehistoric salt water crocodile

I bet laying an egg feels so good for the hen

But they were all deceived for a 5th loco was made

when canadians work out they get sore-y

starting my new job as Elon's blood boy

This week, everyone in America learned that Iran has islands.

wow rip one fart in the breakroom and suddenly you have a whole new work identity

hey do you want to come over? i’m gonna put a cassette tape into a walkman and make it do the ca-chkt noise

Back in my day being mogged was when you got attacked by a gang of feral cats.

Nobody likes a snitch, your honor.

i love AI because I too have no soul driving the mindless shit I do

let’s get ready to crumble

"Papa John's" feels too familiar. i prefer the formal "Father Toilet"

Brutus: *stabbing Caesar* Caesar: Haha this is so us

electric slides of march

maybe the national treasure we were searching for was nicholas cage all along

me about my sleep paralysis demon: i can fix him

Uhg, I can't relax right now. I have something eating away at me. I'll deal with it