[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

got fired from the casket-making factory. boss said i talked too much. that was the nail in my coffin. i just couldn’t put a lid on it. i made grave mistakes. ì

Chris Martin’s conscious uncoupling powers are growing. Stay vigilant

*quietly beatboxing as the cop reads me my rights

you: *saying words* me: this is a lot

Be the reason he enters the witness protection program.

me: if you put the word "casual" in front of friday, you're leaving room for broad interpretation. h.r.: you were wearing a wrestling singlet

Welcome to hell. Please take a leaf blower

My day has been so dreary and boring that Chris Martin wants to sing it.

This would never have happened at a Nickelback concert

i’m not seeing here in the constitution where it says every single day must be insane

[Looking at old photos] I remember when that top used to fit me

If it weren't for spite, I'm not sure I'd do anything.

cops, do not read to everyone else: i love crimes

I haven't been on here for a couple months and now I can't remember any of the material I thought of but I can tell you it was gold

Me: I don’t feel well. Doctor: That’s because you’re alive.

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma

[batman looking at bat signal] I keep telling this guy to just text me

me: why don’t I have any matching socks? wife: the washing machine keeps eating them me: you must be using the vicious cycle wife: I despise you

I would start a cult if it weren't for the paperwork.

I keep a log of all the trees I cut down.

Your secrets are safe with me because I really, really don’t care.

I wish my dog could articulate to me the joy he derives from me throwing a ball and him fetching it two hundred times in a row

Sure, make fun of my cargo pants but sooner or later you're going to need a cocktail shaker or a map of 11th century France.

I'm just one decent laminator away from owning a very convincing licence to kill.

Remember gents, today’s Women's Day is International which means you’re wrong on all 7 continents.

I think I've turned my life coach into an alcoholic

Trying to not use trigger words so instead of "walk the dog" I say "scooch the pooch."

I’ve only got myself to blame but where’s the fun in that?

NO ONE CARES HOW THE TIME CHANGE IS GOING TO AFFECT YOUR BABY.

I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have since gone horribly wrong.

One day you’re young and then suddenly you need a whole game plan just to get up out of a chair.

Maybe I'll just join a cult. Like a good one, though.

THEM: Hello, ho-- ME: NOT GREAT.

Fear of loneliness is easily cured by spending some time with an asshole.

When I was young I did hope to live in interesting times, but that’s not how I would describe these.

i'll tune in if he has a heart attack or something

*walking into a mattress shop* me: I'd like one nap please

My Oscar would be for my performance in I’m Good. How Are You?

"Happy Ash Wednesday!" *Puts cigarette out on your forehead*

How I do anything 3 days to psych myself up to it 30 min to do it 3 days to recover

I don't know who's gotten more expensive with age, me or my dog.

If life imitates art then this one's a Jackson Pollock.

What didn’t kill me altered the way I look at the world.

The yogurt was so far back in the dairy cooler, I almost ended up in an A-ha video.

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament] Why did he have so many tamagotchis

I always get a little skeptical when someone says they “literally died.”

It was the worst of times, it was the holy smokes how much worse are things gonna get of times.

My daughter is having her birthday party at a trampoline place today so I'll either come back with a spine injury or the bird flu. Hopefully both 🤞