Me: Your profile said you had a piercing. Her: That’s a typo. It’s supposed to say “piercing scream.”

In space, no one can hear you scream. In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

I thought I'd miss Twitter when I deleted my account but I soon learned how to shout irrational, angry nonsense at strangers in the street and type 'Pornhub' into a web browser, and suddenly it was like I'd never left.

This day in history. 1985. It was announced that the Titanic had been found after 73 years and Ronald Reagan decisively ordered a search for survivors.

When a situation becomes more serious we should start calling it a "standuation" because somebody should probably get up and do something about it.

*evening news* Anchor: Tonight, we are joined by an expert who will sum up the situation. Welcome, Dr. Smith. So, what can you tell us? Dr. Smith: Thanks Bob. Basically, it's all gone fucky. Everything.

A situationship is the only ship that never knows where it is or where it’s going.

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

[Jumping roundhouse kick] I plead "crazy for Swayze" your honour [Judge covering mic, murmuring to stenographer] Am I still allowed to give The Chair

“Quiet night, Jimmy?” “Yeah. You want that topped off?” “Not just yet, thanks.” “Mind if I put on the TV?” “Anything but the fucking news.”

𝘕𝘦𝘸 𝘠𝘰𝘳𝘬, 𝘕𝘦𝘸 𝘠𝘰𝘳𝘬 is my favorite song about a certain city in the northeastern U.S. but I’m not going to tell you which one. You have to guess.

I want to live, laugh, smother someone with an inspirational pillow

In honor of Labor Day I’m dilated to 5 centimeters.

ffs manuel

“Good morning, my little minions.”

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am: AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

In any conflict situation I'll always try to be the bigger man. Mind you, given my many years of overeating that’s not exactly a challenge.

Visualizing your goals makes them easier to abandon.

[Galilee AD17, around dinner time] Mary: you are not going out until your room’s tidy Jesus: aw mom, dad said I can be messy Joseph: nice try son, I said you may well be the Messiah but you can still clean your room Jesus: I hate you, you’re not even my real dad!

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature? Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

Missed connection. It's just as well.

I understand that, when my dog stops on our walks to sniff every goddamn twig and each freakin’ blade of grass, she is decoding, deciphering, and analyzing the complicated world around her, but what I can’t quite figure out is exactly what she plans on doing with that information.

Roasting my kid by telling him I hope his workday is fast and easy like his mom 👀

Me: Well, I'm no expert. Him: But? Me: But what?

Regular Sunday: ugh tomorrow is Monday. Holiday Monday Sunday: I am immortal. Nothing can hurt me.

I only wear cargo shorts because i can fit a Rotisserie Chicken into each pocket

BREAKING: Trump calls ESPN demanding he be nominated for the Heisman Trophy.

Just once i'd like to see a shark wearing people tooth jewellery

I'd like to think that I’ve learnt so well from past mistakes that I’ll be able to repeat them perfectly every single time.

They 𝘔𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 Be Giants? I mean, that’s a little imprecise considering that the lives of us all could well depend upon the answer.

This day in history. 1974. "The Partridge Family" television show ended its run but when will the nightmares end?

Sorry I’m late, I was just sexting with my wife. Well, when I say sexting I mean I texted asking her to Q-tip my ears for me before my appointment with my doctors later, but I did add a kiss.

A tragic love story where we spend our whole lives hiding from each other because we are scared of what it means to give away pieces of ourselves.

I sleep on my side to give ghosts the option of little or big spoon

Well, well, well. If it isn’t exactly what I asked for and more or less what I deserve.

“Whoosagubboy?!?”

(Me, relaxing on the couch) My cat: hi i'm here to walk on your nuts

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

Text “STOP” to activate Hammer Time.

ME: What’s in the bag? FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid. ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine. FRIEND: Well, you know- ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine. FRIEND: ... ME: What’s in the bag?

Me: Could you please pass the goth fairy dust? Her: …That’s black pepper.

The part you save for last when doing a chalk outline of a naked guy

“Sorry ladies, things got a little bumpy back there. If you want, we can turn around and go look for ‘em.”

My nephew kept shouting "Higher!" while I was pushing him on the swing and, long story short, I need onto your roof.

Genetic evidence from an ancient wolf bone discovered on the tundra in Siberia reveals that wolves and dogs split from their common ancestor at least 27,000 years ago. From this DNA, scientists have formed an approximate composite of this long-extinct species.

“The mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

Chase Daniel was a pretty good QB for a dude named after the Kobra Kai’s favorite thing to do.

My body is a temple. My soul is a crumpled parking ticket. My wallet is a ghost mall. My digestive tract is a drive thru. My sex life is an abandoned convenience store. I could do this all day.

I would start a cult if it weren't for the paperwork.