Boss: I’m sorry but we’re gonna have to let you go Rand McNally: *storming out* THIS IS RIDICULOUS I PUT THIS PLACE ON THE MAP

Dysentery causes oregon failure

the free sample lady must have called them when i wouldn’t leave

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk ten miles through it to get to school.

Most potential pet owners consider things like breeding, size, coat, intelligence, trainability, and temperament. Often overlooked is the crucially important element of aerodynamics, which can greatly affect your gas mileage, raising the overall cost of ownership significantly.

Kirk Hammett has aged seamlessly into Portland lesbian

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You've been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed."

Art teacher: I think you've misunderstood. It's the models who will be nude. Me: Well this is awkward.

It’s not just a baggage claim. It’s a baggage FACT.

Let's not cheapen this moment with the truth.

Please be kind. I’m in a really dark place right now. Outside of my house at 5:30 pm.

When a booboo comes along / you must kiss it

ME: *fumbling with remote* honey which one is ABC HER:

roses are red big laughs are hearty

happy no nut november to all who celibate

Sorry can’t make it. I’m camped in the TV room until further notice.

Normal People Don’t Want This Shit is running away with the vote tonight

If you’re in line to leave NYC stay in line

on the topic of dick cheney, one thing i’ve always said is that you shouldn’t kill a million people

“HALLOWEEN IS OVER NOW GET OFF MY LAWN!”

“I farms the taters...” “...and I mashes the taters.”

You don’t get a body like mine by sitting around on the couch. You also have to eat tons of junk food.

Lost another fight with my stove clock

wife: you should go move the clocks me: no problem [three hours later] wife: where the fuck are all the clocks?

[blind date] HER: I'm a Nihilist ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

I could kinda buy any other President pretending they’re shrugging off 7 million people hitting the streets to convey they hate him, but not the guy still beefing with Rosie O’Donnell.

hey girl, are you the region in the middle east and northeast africa, extending from the nile river in egypt to the persian gulf and bounded by the mediterranean sea and the taurus mountains? cuz that ass is lookin like one fertile crescent.

idk flipping houses looks really hard

JIMINY GLICK: Now you, you, you, you—your cars, they tend to run over pedestrians. Or else BURST into flames. ha HA isn't that wonderful! ELON MUSK: *the least convincing laugh of all time* GLICK: *tucking his legs under himself* You bought a website where no one likes you. Why?

My bank's website is one letter off from a gross German porn site and it's annoying because I keep accidentally visiting my bank's website.

Sure my dad may have put out a cigarette on my arm but Biggy Smalls put 24 carrots in his babygirl’s ear

“Hey mister, wanna see me go really fast? Mister?”

VIDEO: Super Bowl halftime performer Bad Bunny seen not doing the BA BA BAAAA part to Sweet Caroline

i don’t have the heart to tell him

You're beautiful when you're angry at that other guy.

when you totally misread the vibe

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do scrapbooking.

Them: Can you help me? Me: I don’t work here. Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves* My boss: You need to stop doing that.

“Someone you don’t know did something you don’t care about.” -social media notifications

“I’m in a sorry state.” "I thought you called them provinces.“

Last night I dreamt I met God but he teased me about wetting the bed

Inside the house, the potential serial killer, box open on the table, tries to distract himself from the voices incessantly clamoring in his head. He knows that he’s just one last tiny push away from madness. Outside in the driveway, a cat stares at his stolen treasure, laughing quietly to himself.

Thank you for pointing out the logical fallacy in my fart joke

Someone at the supermarket asked if I knew where the cheese aisle was and it was just pure instinct to give them wrong directions so there was more cheese left for me.

Today is Thanksgiving in Canada, when we go down to the park to fight Canada geese. The winners eat the losers

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

Paw Blart

🎶Your name is my name toooo🎶 - his dad

A warehouse is just a regular house until the full moon hits