the only "2fa" i wanna deal with is 2 fuckin' 'amburgers

David Attenborough [whispering]: “Tamanduas distinguish themselves from all other anteaters by being the only genus that communicates exclusively through interpretive dance.”

me: please don’t judge me four horsemen: *shrugging* it’s what we do me: *laying naked in a tubful of hot dog water* oh well

as the prophecy foretold

Avoid conversations at the supermarket by spending an inordinate amount of time in front of the laxatives.

him: license and registration, please me: *slides him fish* him: ... me: *slides him another fish* him: have a good day, sir

If you can buy your detachable penis back for $17 that's actually a pretty good value

David Attenborough [whispering]: “Like a grain of sand in a vast desert, the predator blends seamlessly into its environment, nearly imperceptible to the naked eye.”

If you're just going to be ridiculous I'll take my action figures and go home.

I'm living the dream. Unfortunately, it's the dream where I forget to wear pants to work.

I consider this gift card a lump of Kohl's.

Wear a fanny pack with your cargo pants to be prepared for any eventuality except the sex.

if social media has taught me anything... i’m unaware of it

Went to a party last night and there were 5 dogs there and I have an idea for a new law that will actually be good

Yeah well my buddy already lost his job to artificial intelligence. He was an art thief.

Imagine having a super tough shift down at Nakatomi Plaza then having to go home to chase Urkel off your daughter

She was beautiful and welcoming but with an aura of danger, like seeing a toilet in a dream

Are news anchors secretly insulting you? Moron this story at 11

HER: so what do you do in your spare time? ME: I help blind children HER: aw that’s so sweet- ME: oh here comes one. I’ll hold him and you poke him in the eyes.

The windows in the White House’s new ballroom will be covered by statutory drapes

ME: oh my friend Steve is here WIFE: Steve that disrespects women or Steve that talks like a Disney dwarf? ME: I’m not sure WIFE: *opens door* hi Steve STEVE: hi ho

[first day as a shepherd] boss: where are you going? me: [pointing] star boss: what? why me: [shrugging] baby

Jamiroquai when Jamiro vewwy sad

[blind date] Her, texting: I’m at the bar. Where r u? Him: I’m at a table, in a suit. Her: Nice. Wait, I can’t see you Him: *𝘪𝘯 𝘨𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺*

Alien: Take me to your leader. Americans: OK, but if you’re here seeking asylum you are FUCKED.

My many enemies will be furious to know that I found a luxurious new hat at the bus station

Wu-Tang Christmas tree                    👐                   WU                   RZA                 METH               SHIMMY              C.R.E.A.M. GHOSTFACE          36 CHAMBERS      PROTECT YA NECK     FOR THE CHILDREN   DIVERSIFY YO BONDS                   ODB

me, the moment it says “out for delivery”

I bet the guy in Good Will Hunting couldn’t hear anything Matt Damon said from outside and just thinks he stuck his own phone number on the window

[North Pole, 3am] “You got the stuff?” “You got my money?” “I wanna see them first.” “Here you go, 50 squeaky toys.” “How’s the quality?” “100% pure, unchewed.” “Santa won’t notice them missing?” “You let me worry about that.”

I want to leave my mark on the world so I’m swallowing microplastics for when I get cremated.

Bravo, anonymous hero.

tragically malicious

Your BFF’s other best friend is your best friend once removed

Sometimes I worry I'm not making enemies fast enough.

me: rare meat is my favourite her: aren’t you worried about salmonella? me: *tucking into my panda steak* huh?

“I asked you not to do it. I said, Charlie, please don’t make your stupid joke, it’s not funny. But, still, when the waiter brought the check, what did you say? What did you say, Charlie?” “No thanks, I’ve already got a big bill.” “It’s like going out to dinner with my father!”

Just polished off the last of a tube of toothpaste and now I'm ready to sit in judgement of all mankind

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there,” and I have not felt that level of job satisfaction since.

I’m going to surprise my wife with a gym membership for Christmas. This is a good plan with no possible downside.

My English professor knocked my grade because he says I use a/an improperly. What a nasshole.

♫ He shouldn’t have run ♫ He shouldn’t have tried ♫ They found coke in the sleigh ♫ And an old forty-five ♫ Santa Claus is going downtown

Stages of holiday shopping 1. Plenty of time 2. Gifts for myself 3. Oh no

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

In bed at 9 on a Saturday night I have once again stuck it to The Man

“Bambi? Yeah, I know Bambi. Great guy. Fuckin’ shame what happened to his mom. Crap, I’m sorry. You can bleep that out, right?”

Interviewer: How are your interpersonal skills? Me: Wait, does this job require dealing with people? The job posting didn’t say anything about dealing with people. Interviewer: … Me: I mean, they’re very strong.

Asked mom if she’d seen The Fantastic 4 and she said “Oh yes, Ringo was my favorite.”

"Good evening." "That's where you're wrong."