It’s only biomedical science if it comes from the biomed region of France, otherwise it’s just sparkling eugenics

My cat got into the booth with me while I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

Thrilled to report I’ve just about had it

i can’t even imagine how many bobs had to die to harvest all that

I can't help feeling I could have done more with my angry years.

“Shhh… You’ve gotta hear this guitar part.”

Frankly I don't really see the problem with rapturing a few of that mob away

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

With a little love, the call could be coming from inside the home.

What are the names of the U.S. Navy officers carrying out these orders to serially bomb civilian boats that pose no threat to their own vessels, killing everyone aboard? Surely they’ll want to take personal credit for this honorable service and perhaps wear a little campaign medal on their chest.

Jesus: No one can predict the date of my return. An apostle: Is it September 23, 2025? Jesus: Damnit.

I’m sorry I didn’t properly mourn that dude. I wasn’t ready. Knock off a few more like him and I’ll do better. Promise.

ME: *dies* DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife. ME: How do I get to Heaven? DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs. ME: What about Hell? DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs. ME: And Limbo? DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

I lost my phone stylus down the side of this La-Z-Boy and my vacation is ruined.

[my brain, 3:12 am] - jiminy cricket - flippity jibbet - rickety steps - skibidi rizz - ribbity jizz - flickery bits [sleeps through alarm]

I’m am independent thinker who questions everything, so excuse me if I don’t blindly accept the official narrative that “it’s 10 o’clock” and I’m “two hours late for work and obviously hungover.”

“Pull up, Maverick, pull up! You’re coming in way too fast! Christ, I don’t think he’s gonna make it. Clear the runway! Clear the runway!”

“Okay, try it now.”

“Can you please look again? The tracking said it was out for delivery.”

*approaches woman in club* Me: Would you like to dance? Her: Sure. Me: While you're dancing can I sit in your chair? I'm really tired.

(me, feverishly focused on the task at hand) window seat guy: so you're for real clipping your toenails then

When all else fails why shouldn’t you?

Find someone that loves you the way the lady next to me loves Chanel No. 5 … so much you can taste it

me: i didn't get the job wife: why not? me: something about my eyesight wife: what EXACTLY did they say? me: that i needed “adult supervision”

Thanks for the thesaurus, I similar it so much.

Charlie Kirk started the Professor Watchlist, which caused friends of mine and their families to be terrorized by right-wing assholes. So, you know, fuck everyone trying to find some nugget of decency in that shitpile.

I do not understand the mindset that makes liberals express sympathy for someone who would have absolutely celebrated if the roles were reversed, like bro, have some god damned self respect

kash patel googling "how to catch a campus shooter" and "do shooters usually hang out nearby afterwards"

You only need to know about half the words in any given language and the word for opposite

When this dipshit dies, it could be the existential trade that puts us back on the pre-Harambe timeline

The marathon officials asked me for any critique of the race setup and honestly I didn’t know where to start

I’ll tell you what I know about subatomic particles, very little

*my first day as a hoarse-whisperer* wife: that’ll teach you for shouting at the kids all the time

[Jumping roundhouse kick] I plead "crazy for Swayze" your honour [Judge covering mic, murmuring to stenographer] Am I still allowed to give The Chair

“Quiet night, Jimmy?” “Yeah. You want that topped off?” “Not just yet, thanks.” “Mind if I put on the TV?” “Anything but the fucking news.”

𝘕𝘦𝘸 𝘠𝘰𝘳𝘬, 𝘕𝘦𝘸 𝘠𝘰𝘳𝘬 is my favorite song about a certain city in the northeastern U.S. but I’m not going to tell you which one. You have to guess.

I want to live, laugh, smother someone with an inspirational pillow

In honor of Labor Day I’m dilated to 5 centimeters.

ffs manuel

“Good morning, my little minions.”

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am: AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

In any conflict situation I'll always try to be the bigger man. Mind you, given my many years of overeating that’s not exactly a challenge.

Visualizing your goals makes them easier to abandon.

Missed connection. It's just as well.

I understand that, when my dog stops on our walks to sniff every goddamn twig and each freakin’ blade of grass, she is decoding, deciphering, and analyzing the complicated world around her, but what I can’t quite figure out is exactly what she plans on doing with that information.

Me: Well, I'm no expert. Him: But? Me: But what?

Sorry I’m late, I was just sexting with my wife. Well, when I say sexting I mean I texted asking her to Q-tip my ears for me before my appointment with my doctors later, but I did add a kiss.

Me: Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies. Minister: That's not really appropriate for wedding vows.

(Me, relaxing on the couch) My cat: hi i'm here to walk on your nuts