The typewriter, the video rental store and the United States Congress

I feel like no one gets their jollies anymore and that's just sad this time of year.

One more time but with less feeling.

I imagine the last day of this administration is going to feel like finally getting out of a horrible timeshare.

I'm like, "It's weird, I'm actually not worried about tomorrow," and then Anxiety is like, "yeah, that's because you're going to die, but you're ALSO stupid"

I cordially invite you to an evening of suck.

Some days I feel like I could talk forever and some days I don’t want to talk at all.

I see you just posted something inspirational. First time on the internet?

Allow me to overthink that for you

get in loser, we’re ignoring pumpkin-spice princess season

When they say: "just be yourself" - I am lost, which version of me I should be.

Be careful about what you convince yourself to believe.

My dog stares out the window like he's recreating a Joe Biden meme.

Here I hide, trying to nurse inspiration from trauma.

me: how much chowder do you think that hot tub holds? realtor:

*scrolls headlines all that lead paint really fucked us up

My scat singing is writing checks my falsetto can’t cash

Is it really only Wednesday? I’m drinking like it’s Thursday.

They say to dress for the job you want, but I'm not allowed to wear pajamas to work

[alien with coke bottle glasses] TAKE ME TO YOUR OPTOMETRIST

They said do what you love, so I went back to sleep.

Who called it grand theft auto for christians… and not Jesus take the wheel?

Are those your midlife crisis underwear?

I would never judge another woman just for being a skanky ho

fuck around and get a presidential pardon

Life goes on, and therein lies the problem.

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air but most of the time I feel like throwing grenades.

He may be immoral …. but he’s not immortal. Eventually his reign of error will come to an end.

I’ll see your bible and raise you a couple of fairy tales.

Eating Angel Hair pasta is about the most religious I get

A threesome with identical siblings is called twincest.

Idk, I’m just a girl who wants someone to recreate the beach and waterfall scene from Cocktail with me.

People in the gym look like they don't want to be there Oh wait, that's my reflection in a mirror

me: (pointing to the thermostat) would you mind making it a little colder in here her: your brother is a better kisser than you are

Pregaming for Christopher Cross

Someone tase the groom.

I’ve had to adjust my first quarter forecast to include more crying on my lunch break.

My yard is "infested" with lightning bugs and I'm immensely happy about that.

I used to work as a proofreader. They fried me four no raeson.

*all my skeletons tumble out of the closet just as company arrives for brunch*

Cop: do you know how fast you were going? Me: I thought that was your job

In my mind I am anticrastinate but in my actions I procrastinate.

Loaded on wine and loaded the dishwasher.

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it's amazing I haven't been implicated in any local crime scenes.

Trying to find a greeting from a particular person in a large group chat is like trying to find a needle in a hey stack ...and send

A proverb is just a regular verb that got really really good at being a verb.

You know you’re an alcoholic if you can’t even say the word “ Sober” without making air quotes.