People always say "pick your poison". But I don't want poison - I want chocolate. What idiot chooses poison?

The Star Wars movies never revealed Yoda’s last name It’s ‘Layheehoo’

sees two little dots on my shoulder…well that’s just great, I got bit by a vampire and now I have to live forever

You know you ordered way too much fucking food for yourself when the Chinese restaurant gives you four fortune cookies.

Who among us doesn't want bolder brows?

Text your husband "I know your secret" and he'll bring you so many presents! You don't even need to know what the secret is!

Nothing is scarier than a half deflated balloon drifting around the room. Nothing.

Excuse me professor, but the american experiment just blew up in the lab

People wouldn’t hate dentists if they gave forehead kisses.

Probably should've laid off those edibles before I did my own taxes. A side note however...I'm getting back twelve and a half million dollars.

A thing that I have discovered that you don't actually have to do is comment on things that you don't understand.

WIFE: You're very quiet. What are you thinking? ME: If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, then the opposite of a hospital is an orchard. HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'

[trying to control my portions] hahaha whos walking who right

Not to brag but my brain walled off huge chunks of my life that I couldn't process so that I could function.

making a break for it (soul leaves body)

i miss when the prospect of a texas-sized asteroid seemed scary

you should be able to power wash memories out of your head

I’m neither underrated nor overrated. Not sure I’m even rated.

ChatGPT told me you've been asking about some weird shit.

The typewriter, the video rental store and the United States Congress

I feel like no one gets their jollies anymore and that's just sad this time of year.

One more time but with less feeling.

I imagine the last day of this administration is going to feel like finally getting out of a horrible timeshare.

I'm like, "It's weird, I'm actually not worried about tomorrow," and then Anxiety is like, "yeah, that's because you're going to die, but you're ALSO stupid"

I cordially invite you to an evening of suck.

Some days I feel like I could talk forever and some days I don’t want to talk at all.

I see you just posted something inspirational. First time on the internet?

Allow me to overthink that for you

get in loser, we’re ignoring pumpkin-spice princess season

When they say: "just be yourself" - I am lost, which version of me I should be.

Be careful about what you convince yourself to believe.

My dog stares out the window like he's recreating a Joe Biden meme.

Here I hide, trying to nurse inspiration from trauma.

me: how much chowder do you think that hot tub holds? realtor:

*scrolls headlines all that lead paint really fucked us up

My scat singing is writing checks my falsetto can’t cash

Is it really only Wednesday? I’m drinking like it’s Thursday.

They say to dress for the job you want, but I'm not allowed to wear pajamas to work

[alien with coke bottle glasses] TAKE ME TO YOUR OPTOMETRIST

They said do what you love, so I went back to sleep.

Who called it grand theft auto for christians… and not Jesus take the wheel?

Are those your midlife crisis underwear?

I would never judge another woman just for being a skanky ho

fuck around and get a presidential pardon

Life goes on, and therein lies the problem.

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air but most of the time I feel like throwing grenades.

He may be immoral …. but he’s not immortal. Eventually his reign of error will come to an end.

I’ll see your bible and raise you a couple of fairy tales.