filling your vodka bottles with Crystal Pepsi

Home is where the snacks are.

naked and afraid but i'm fully clothed

Painting my honey lid green, sticking a straw in it, and selling it on eBay. Anyone else? Bearista-gate

Sorry I haven’t been on lately. I was busy trying to open a produce bag for my apples

her: have you been moisturizing? me: oh no...that's just pizza grease.

Class up your kegger by calling it a soirée.

One scoop of mashed potatoes per person and DON'T WALK ON THE GRASS

I shower daily, rinse well, take care to make sure my hygiene is good throughout the day etc… So why after my shower just now is my asshole like mad fuckin itchy?

Hey, can I talk to your dog for a minute?

If you're driving on the sidewalk, does it still count as road rage?

Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's functional alcoholism.

There are men whose loyalty to their SPOUSE doesn’t hold a candle to my husband’s loyalty to his barber.

I miss the days when we blamed gluten for everything and not lifesaving medicine.

Convinced my ex to get bangs before we broke up so that I’d find someone new first.

I can't do another three years of this shit

This year has flown by like a passing kidney stone.

Marriage is nice because you can tell all your hopes and dreams to someone who will stand by you while you continue to achieve none of them

get in loser, we’re ignoring pumpkin-spice princess season

Me: Your profile said you had a piercing. Her: That’s a typo. It’s supposed to say “piercing scream.”

Allow me to overthink that for you

I took a picture, but it wasn't a selfie. Is there a word for that? A "someone elsie"?

No one wants proof of life, btw

Median monthly rent in Florida has risen by 40% since 2019. Median household income has only increased by 2.9% in that same time period.

BREAKING: trump is revealed to be an incredibly detailed, life-size hand puppet (that’s why every photo op someone has their hand behind his back). no word yet on how long he’s been that way

Sorry I hugged you when you told me to embrace my mistakes.

Every time I press reset password another brain cell gets its wings.

*my first day as a hoarse-whisperer* wife: that’ll teach you for shouting at the kids all the time

not needing to be fixed would fix me

Please excuse me while I’m in long weekend mode.

Going to get AI to superimpose my head on Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's body and then I'll finally rule all of Narnia.

be the reason he’s afraid to check his phone

He’s a ten, but wears compression socks during sex.

"I'm done with this shit." --- me, two hours after getting up

My son manages six fantasy football leagues like he went to MIT

I see you just posted something inspirational. First time on the internet?

I will always love you. ˢᵒᵐᵉ ʳᵘˡᵉˢ ᵃⁿᵈ ʳᵉˢᵗʳᶦᶜᵗᶦᵒⁿˢ ᵐᵃʸ ᵃᵖᵖˡʸ

A group of children is called a migraine

According to social stereotypes, I should be driving around in Gravedigger

People: nice jeep, here’s a duck Winter: nice smile, here’s seasonal depression

If you're not part of the solution you don't mix well with the other substances.

Who's the patron saint of functional alcoholism?

In France it’s called: without serif.

Why do they call it urology and not streaming services?

They tried to put me in a peach can you believe that? They said they’d in peach me. A good friend of mine, James was put into a giant peach and believe me it wouldn’t be able to contain my bigly hands

The problem with eating cheese is that it’s very sad when it’s over.

American cheese is just regular cheese with 70k in hospital bills

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement