tfw you've just stripped healthcare from 17 million Americans and ensured the closure of rural hospitals

It’s a terrible bill. It will literally kill people. The most vulnerable among us will suffer as the wealthiest benefit. It’s perverse. I wish there were something I could do. But alas, I am only a U.S. Senator from Alaska whose “no” vote would kill the bill. So I voted yes. You get it.

I think it would be good to get some women in charge of the countries that have nuclear weapons. Women talk to each other. Women can be reasonable. Enough with the macho men and swinging dicks.

BREAKING: A few minutes ago, a vehicle of three people was rammed by a truck belonging to federal immigration authorities in Boyle Heights, CA. According to security footage shown to me, they deployed chemical munitions & detained the driver at gunpoint. All are US citizens according to the wife.

why is the president the only person testing the limits of his power? everyone should see what they can get away with. what if zookeepers gave helicopters to gorillas? nobody has tried this

We won! The AC Hotel allowed ICE to stay there, and we showed up in protest and the hotel management then asked ICE to leave! #Pasadena #Protest #NoICE cc: @maddow.msnbc.com

So glad to see that cursive writing isn't a lost skill after all. #WestAdams

every day now it’s like a bad snl sketch fucked a black mirror episode while an entire season of veep watched from the cuck chair

lol

Did you know that when your local rural hospital shuts down because of the Medicaid cuts, the 75-mile drive to the nearest one that isn't shut down is still 75 miles no matter how good your insurance is?

We got Bruce Springsteen and they got Kid Rock. We are not the same!

A haiku, but it’s actually 17 syllables in 3 trench coats.

Taking a bribe in a very public way doesn't mean you aren't corrupt, it means your corruption is shameless.

If South Africa is a sovereign nation, how are we able to send our own planes we paid for to transport white Afrikaners to the U.S., but simultaneously unable to send a plane to return Abrego Garcia et al?

Weird. Rome has an American Pope and America has a Russian President.

just call the motherfucking thing what it motherfucking is: wealthcare

Linda McMahon, Secretary of Education, sent Harvard a letter. They graded it. Bwahahaha.

My sexual awakening just so happened to coincide with the first time I saw Bugs Bunny in drag, and that probably explains an awful lot about why I am the way I am.

before i commit to friendship i need to see how many unread emails you have

reporter: what do you know about alcatraz? trump: it’s in roku city. next question

Donald Trump, who has a golden toilet, wants you to know you can get by with five pencils.

no thanks heaven i don’t want more life at the end of my life

Motown implies the exsistence of Larrytown & Curlytown

Do you worry that your Cybertruck doesn’t look stupid enough? We’ve got just the product for you!

Incredible satellite image of the 33 (!!!!) operational fossil fuel combustion engines at the site of Elon Musk's XAI data centre “appalling that xAI would operate more than 30 methane gas turbines without any permits or any public oversight" @selc.bsky.social www.theguardian.com/technology/2...

inflate to 8 psi for optimal results

Walz: If you say you love freedom but you don't believe freedom is for everybody, then the thing you love is not freedom, it is privilege.

This is your regular reminder that executive orders are not royal decrees. Because America has no king.

Autocorrect changed “subtleties” to “subtitles” and now my snide comments made in a foreign language are exposed to the whole world.

“Can you keep a secret?” asked the person about to stop keeping a secret.

The best way to avoid accidentally cutting yourself when slicing vegetables with a sharp knife is to get your kids to hold them instead. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.

Not a lot of people know this, but HIPAA privacy laws have an exclusion for pharmacists to shout out your medical problems into a crowded Walgreens

I won’t tell anybody that I was declared the new pope, but there will be signs (JD Vance trying to kill me)

Brain decay sounds classier than brainrot.

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

Confirming Hegseth really was insanely reckless.

Is it spam or is it just Pete Hegseth texting you classified information?

Senator Van Hollen’s commitment to the Abrego Garcia case isn’t performative. Wearing an overnight maxi pad on your ear after an “assassination attempt” is performative.

That time you saw only one set of footprints in the sand was when Jesus unfollowed you

At my funeral there’ll be a 37 minute montage of me trying to find something to watch on Netflix

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

📣 BREAKING NEWS. In a late night appearance on The Last Word, esteemed Professor of Constitutional Law Laurence Tribe unequivocally said: "Donald Trump waged war on the United States, which is a form of treason." Donald Trump committed treason and I will repeat this fact until someone gives a damn.

I've long been a fan of Senator... [checks notes] ... Van Halen

The oldest Gen Zers are now 30. THIRTY. What, and I mean this sincerely, in the actual fuck

[first day as a national geographic museum of exploration tour guide] me: sure you've heard of intercourse, pennsylvania, but have you heard of cumpig, west virginia? supervisor: get out

Maybe if we gently place the current administration in a bed of rice, that will fix it

We've reached the point in our descent into fascism where the Jewish governor's house getting firebombed on Passover by a guy trying to bash his head in with a sledgehammer is overshadowed by the story of the President saying he wants to build foreign gulags for US citizens.

Even accepting the premise that AI produces useful writing (which no one should), using AI in education is like using a forklift at the gym. The weights do not actually need to be moved from place to place. That is not the work. The work is what happens within you.

Wow