This reads like he dictated it into his phone as he rushed around his office stuffing loose papers into a briefcase before fleeing down the stairs and out the door

tfw you leave Plato’s cave awfulannouncing.com/nfl/pat-mcaf...

LOL.... i wanted to hear JD getting booed at the Olympics and when i searched for it on YouTube i got this

Celtics won a championship, lost their best player, then went from deeeeeep into the second apron to under the tax entirely in a single year, while somehow remaining tied for 2nd in their conference. Magician shit.

I'm pretty sure the third guy is just an anagram of the first guy and will just *be* the first guy in a fake mustache

Yes his brain is both smooth and worm-eaten. But also in his world anything short of death is fine, and even death is just like ugh why are we still talking about this

The fucking smirk after he says it

"This is a political attack" well yeah man if your politics are like "we should be able to murder everyone and also pedophiles are cool" people are going to attack that political stance

The degree to which they peddle this bullshit, still, while 100% understanding how it works and why it unfolds the way it does…it’s unconscionable. Lying, in its purest form.

Um sorry but Scylla and Charybdis were WHITE

...So we can get better angles of the murders?

I just don’t think I could entrust my mental health to a doctor who failed to recognize a famous clown.

I think a $46 million opening for a $90 million movie is better than an $8 million opening for a $40 million movie, and yet

Steve Tisch owns half of one of the worst franchises in sports, was good buds with Jeffrey Epstein, appears to have engaged in multiple counts of sex trafficking and maybe statutory rape, and if he's forced out of the NFL he'll be left with nothing but $5 billion and probably a Presidential pardon.

Well Trump famously hates anti-Semitism so he's sure to come down hard on Greg here www.nytimes.com/2026/01/31/u...

It should not take a court order to get a toddler out of a prison.

The director of Melania movie

Twist!

Dearest Jeff, Have a brief respite come April. Was thinking mayhap I could fly down for some "R and R." Might you provide the services for which you've become so famous? Let me know post haste. Sincerely, A Billionaire FROM: JE sure call snat&s goo mail mee veryy dq32ila. . c you 4sex burff 55g

I really enjoy thinking about how shitty these people's lives have been for the last several months, waiting for the day when their emails drop

Not to get political, but America is very pretty and has a lot of nice folks making cool things, and I think if we had a president who wasn’t actively trying to murder us, we could have a pretty good time

Wild that there was an open lane called "what if we just explain things clearly to people?" and he's the first one to ever fill it

A fun thing to do in a Senate hearing would be to ask Noem or Bovino questions about ICE but pretend they are about immigrants. "A Somali man was found passed out drunk in a car, covered in vomit. What should be done?" "A Venezuelan man shot an ICU nurse ten times. What should his sentence be?"

I don't want him to take any more brain scans. I want him to take a 9th grade Econ test live on camera.

There is no reason, and most of the directors, writers, and actors I know understand this. The rest need to get on board the Humanity Train.

Fuck all the way off, and then fuck off a little further, just keep going and fucking off until you're completely out of fucking off space and then fuck off just a tiny bit further.

please please please do not let the media convince you this is done because they got temporarily spooked about alex pretti and canned bovino. please don’t make them have to constantly be killing us for people to care

When storeowners put cash in bags and handed them to Al Capone they weren't like "This is a wise investment, I will surely recoup this money"

I think if the intent of the Jimmy Kimmel stuff a few months ago was to convince him to stop speaking his mind about politics, it … did not work. This is worth a watch if you haven’t seen it.

I’m the only one at this 3:25 showing of Melania so I asked the usher if I can smoke and he said go ahead.

"Good omnipotence by Towns," says Clyde, calmly and matter-of-factly assigning to the Knicks' All-Star center limitless and absolute power over all creation

Imagine watching this and thinking that the problem is that they just don't have enough training.

There are a lot of problems in the world right now but probably the biggest is that for some reason Spelling Bee does not accept LINGUAL as a word

This is objectively hilarious

We’re going to make sure they’re known throughout the land as heroes. We’re going to guarantee they win both the undying adoration of their communities and also elected office. Believe us when we say that their faces and names will be enshrined forevermore on monuments celebrating their bravery.

we are witnessing historic backpedaling here

We're entering a wonderful annual period in sports journalism -- the two week stretch when 350 different NFL pundits are asked to predict a final score for the Super Bowl and every single one of them chooses 24-21 or 27-24.

you can tell this was a sudden decision because they just put fresh mulch in his habitrail yesterday

It’s always funny when palantir employees discover that they work at palantir

Saw a grainy video of a sad Greg Bovino packing his tac gear into a Honda Odyssey, being comforted by his best friend, a field mouse in a suit who was drinking from a thimble. (The field mouse is also a Nazi piece of shit.)

So sorry, folks -- I rubber stamped the Rampant Gestapo Fuck Everything Up Murder Act of 2026 without reading it. My bad.

I think the solution to this worry is to knock all this dumb shit off

I no longer regularly buy butter pecan ice cream from Baskin Robbins, because I no longer want to eat ice cream regularly, which is to say that I have fallen out of love with the concept of ingesting food.

"Asswhipe"

"I'm so proud of what we have accomplished together. We did everything we came here to do. It's time for me to seek a new challenge. Good luck!"

Strongly disagree. Even people who claim to hate them — if you got them alone and really talked to them —would admit that deep down they love and root for the Pats.

Great point here

I literally don't know a single person who thinks of them that way. The amount of respect this nation has for the Patriots and Mr. Kraft in particular is off the charts.