Janet Jackson basically looks like Michael Jackson with a pair of tits. Which I imagine would be really confusing. You'd be banging away at her and she be like HEEE HEEEE, OW! And then once you've cum, she just moonwalks tf outta there.

So is everyone eating turkey? The bird, not the country.

A man called George just followed me. George has multiple pictures of his dick, posted almost daily, on his profile. I will not be following George.

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

I just ate pizza in bed like the classy bitch that I am.

It’s shit faced Sunday, BITCHES

[awkward first date] So do you enjoy going for a poo?

I've not seen a woman with big tits since I visited that oversized bird sanctuary.

A woman gave birth at the cinema tonight whilst watching the new Bruce Springsteen movie. He was....born in the UK, he was born in the...ok that does not work.

When he’s not your type… but you love him anyway.

It's cold in England today and my balls are lacking adequate insulation.

I've put my finger in worse

Anxena: Worrier Princess

“fuck it like it owes you money” Monday

Ooo America you in trouble girl

I asked Chat GPT what I should consider as a new career and it said "slut" so I'm hopeful for the future.

This year, I’m bringing a wrestling mat as a side dish to my family's Thanksgiving.

I asked Chat GPT how I could cut down masturbating and it told me to get fucked

I ask the real questions, like WTF? WTAF? and Why does your mother keep sexually harassing me?

imagine hating me and im just over here getting baked trying to make the internet smile again

the irony of ridiculousness still being on.

Autocorrect typed “pervert” instead of “perfect” on WhatsApp to my chiropractor… so tomorrow’s appointment is going to be interesting.

Don't mean to brag but I'm taller than Tom Cruise

Looking at pictures of women in the 80s and wondering why they all looked like Brian May with tits.

Started drinking water out of a wine glass and now I smash my daily goal like some sort of reverse Jesus effect.

I've never been called pretty and never been called ugly. Does that make me pretty ugly?

Sneezed three times in a row so guess that's my sexual needs fulfilled for the day.

An Australian bondage orgy called 50 Shades of G'day.

6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down

I've never shit myself on public transportation but it's on the bucket list.

I feel sexiest when I'm googling images of Middle Earth

BLAH

Not to brag, but I’ve listened to zero fucking Ted Talks ever.

Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's functional alcoholism.

I only wear clothing below the waist on special occasions.

*30,000 years ago, a teenager paints on a cave wall Parents: get off that social media and go hunting NOW!

Remembering that time my father sent me a beautifully heartfelt text, in which he spelled my name wrong

Are push-ups supposed to make you angry? Like, SO angry?

A retreat for people with ADHD called Short Attention Spa

My milkshake brings all the boys to The Shard. - Me, opening a new café in London

For the last time, I'm not paying for your OnlyFans. I don't even like horses.

I should really go to the gym but let's face facts, I'll just masturbate instead.

“Damn it, that sounded way funnier in my head.” - me and every tweet I’ve ever written.

People who like to wear eye masks at bedtime will evolve to have a ball sack on their forehead that drops over the eyes at precisely 10.20pm.

Women in old James Bond movies have triangular tits and I'm here for it.

Joy Division as I get my roots done

If he doesn’t yell “ay caramba” when he cums is he really that into you

I'm writing a book called "Defective Aeroplane". It'll never take off.

Her name was Lola She was a showgirl With yellow braided pubic hair In which my dick became ensnared