I don’t know who needs to hear this but turn off the fucking news and go outside.

Pornstars take a shot to the neck almost everyday, you don't see them dying.

We be fucking but I'm wearing chain mail

Welcome to your 50s, using the bathroom is now a multi-stage process.

I think my toilet is finally sick of my shit.

Do they make a full body sized ice pack? Asking for a friend.

Forget the hoodie, I’m stealing your flannel and maybe your soul.

Time heals all wounds. Next! - me as a doctor

I try not to eat between snacks.

Hey, are you Amish!?..me flirting awkwardly.

Labubu sounds like something people suffered from before the invention of antibiotics.

Butthole kisses would fix me.

Rise and shine?? In this friggin economy?

I intend to leave you all something in my will. Who wants the cucumber smeared with peanut butter?

Always the pallbearer, never the pal.

Whenever I watch Star Wars and R2-D2 starts talking I like to say he's 'beepboxing' lol. My wife says this is another reason why I have no friends.

Food prep? You mean like, microwaving it?

The guy who discovered Newfoundland named his kid Newfoundbaby

You can't spell incredible without an edible

shitposting without a license

Not to brag but I’m made of venom and spite.

Find yourself a guy who can do the alphabet in morse code on your clit.

No. I'm not rubbing my chin because I'm deep in thought. I'm rubbing it because there are 15 new hairs there that weren't there this morning...

my favorite 80's diet fad was cocaine

Where do frogs hang up their coats? IN A CROAKROOM HAHA HAHAHAHA BURP

Good morning. It’s Friday. Go fuck yourself.

The Lord of Darkness is my Starbucks name

I gave your mother a milky moustache

I love looking at my bank account right before I pay my bills. Makes me feel like I’ve really got it together. I don’t want to talk about how I feel after I pay them.

I’ll take a shit show for one, please.

I dreamt last night that I wrestled Jake the Snake Roberts and he choked me out with a neck tie, which to be honest is weird because he has a snake at his disposal.

Her: i’m waiting for the right guy to sweep me off my feet Me: *sweeps the leg*

The worst part about aging is knowing the worst part about aging

20 hours of uninterrupted screen time a day would surely fix me

I don’t clutch pearls. I clutch anal beads.

Put on yer reskeetin’ assless chaps, Randy.

Not to brag but I didn’t post any first day of school selfies of myself.

[day after Labour Day] "It’s finally spooky season.” -Psychopaths.

Folding paper is my kink. It makes me origasm.

*packs away all my white granny panties until next summer*

No more hot girl shit after Labour Day.

But can the early bird find the clit?

Apparently wanking into a woman's shoe doesn't count as one of your five a day.

Welcome to your 50s. Your back hurts when ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶g̶o̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶g̶y̶m̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶l̶i̶f̶ you breathe.

The key to avoid disappointments is to ignore everything.

What's wrong babe, you've barely asked for boob pics all week?

I don't understand how people are fitting pumpkins in their coffee cups

I’m kinda pissed you haven’t used the potholders I loomed for you.