I mean I know I’m still drunk but I think I’m still drunk.

Bubblewrap pants should be a thing.

I'm holding my life together with duct tape and tequila. You?

Waffle House of Burlesque should be something.

“I’ll just slip into something more comfortable,” I say, walking into the ocean.

I did not Wang Chung tonight. Now what?

Got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

When we weren't looking they quietly took floating holidays away from us. That's when clowns took to the sewers.

Is a Facehugger implanting an embryo in you third base?

my to do list is so long it may as well be a fantasy novel

You know you're old when ''I have to go'' stops reffering to parties

AAHHHHHHHH

well well well if it isn’t the same bullshit a different day

Can't come into work today, i sustained a football injury last night (the ball of my foot is sore)

saw a flaming bag of shit on someone’s porch this morning, thought of you

If Trump tried to do what he’s doing in any civilized country that values democracy and law, he’d have been dragged and paraded in the street by now.

cancel the times (just saying this everywhere now)

Normally I can read people really well, except that one person I actually want to understand.

Monet sometimes painted reflections first—upside down—then added the object above. Critic Séverin Faust called it a “new logic of vision.” 🔄

GREMLINS 3? In this economy?

I need to take the trash out but my neighbor is outside. - an introvert’s dilemma

the agreement not to feed them?

My workout playlist: - Air Supply - Crosby, Stills and Nash - Pablo Cruise - Barry Manilow - America - Peter, Paul and Mary I’m in terrible shape, but very well rested.

Full Beaver Supermoon that’s it, that’s the skeet

if i can taste your perfume as you walk past me you’re probably wearing too much perfume

I've spotted a large Muppet in the wild. I'm going to try and pet it, maybe feed it some trail mix.

Me: The power went out so I can't log in to work. Boss: What's your plan B? Me: Be at home and log in when the power comes back on.

Interviewer: how do you handle stress? Me: legally?

Damn, boy. Is your name Michael? Because after sex, you always be bolton. :(

Right wing reactions to last night's election results on Twitter are basically: "EVERYONE IN NEW YORK WILL NOW HAVE TO WEAR A FEZ! ONLY LEFT-HANDED PEOPLE WILL BE ALLOWED TO USE TAXIS! ALL PIZZA WILL HAVE TO BE TOPPED BY PINEAPPLE!" Barely exaggerating.

I should run for political office one day but just not scrub my internet history. Let the people have some fun. "Is it true you once wrote *checks notes* Hobbit erotica?" "No, that is incorrect. It was smut."

When cybersecurity experts die, their remains get encrypted.

They stopped saying "you're gonna get stashed away in the booby hatch" when they meant someone was going to the asylum because too many people thought it sounded like a good time

i am unapologetically me and im sorry if that bothers you. wait, shit!

*walks into a Bath & Body Works* one working body please

keep yourself humble by inadvertently catching yourself on your ring camera

The problem with being introverted is that there is no polite way of saying "I love you but I'm tired of being with you right now."

imagine being angry and fearful about free public transportation, child care and affordable housing. And stop freaking out because the guy is a Muslim. So what. We have Freedom of religion here. The US isnt Gilead. Why would You want it to be?

When you have cats nothing scares you anymore. That thumping on your door late at night? Cats! That disembodied yowling coming from behind the drapes? Cats! That shadow slinking up and down the stairs? Cats! Haha! Cats!

Welp, it's about time, really.

i eat chicken wings like they killed my father and im avenging his death

i am going to write a mystery novel about a woman who posts on bsky that has to become an amateur sleuth so as to figure out what most of her replies mean

Is it even kismet if your new friend at the urinal doesn't whisper "en garde" in your ear?