God: I can't help noticing Jesus has Joseph's nose Mary: [laughs nervously] What a strange coincidence

G’daysexual bc I like Aussies

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

his mother must be terribly disappointed

Her: Have you seen the dog bowl? Him: No, but I’ve seen him catch a frisbee.

It was the evening after And all through the house We were back to being morose And listening to Bauhaus

i have it on good authority that good authority no longer exists

Me doing everything I can think of for a good 2026...

I hate Boxing Day. Too violent.

*my daughter sits on santa’s lap & looks directly into his eyes* can you get my dad to cut off his pony tail?

*dabbing cinnamon roll goo on my pulse points* wanna box, bb?

Yes, we do cash Christmas checks from your grandma.

[minding my p’s and q’s] p q q q p q p p q p q p p q 🤔

*my wife comes home from work & sees me in the kitchen wearing an apron, tending to a pot on the oven. i scoop a little bit with a wooden spoon & gently hold one hand underneath as i bring the spoon to her mouth. some light jazz is playing.* this is hot water. what do i do next?

4. Too late

the week between christmas and new years is for moving from room to room with your bag of treats

I SAID YES (he asked if he should fuck off)

Them..What's wrong with you? Me..shrugs, my ancestors were village idiots.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

1995 breakup: Please give me back my CDs 2025 breakup: Please delete my butthole pics

a fun thing to do with relatives on xmas is to point out ppl in your photo albums & say “expired. expired. expired” like in that TV commercial . you’re welcome🎄

Random Axe of Kindness™

The only thing that’s great about growing old is that if you fall in the bushes on your walk, people will think you’re drunk.

There’s a waterfall in Switzerland called Pissevache which means “pissing cow” and whoever named it should get to name everything.

Saw a sign at the gym that said “the heaviest weight we have is the front door” and now I’m suing for false advertisement

“No! You’re plastered!!!” -me, to the wall I just walked into

I hope everyone got a podcaster equipment starter kit cause lord knows there’s just not enough podcasters in the world

Ten landlords a-leasing

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, nine DM’s chatting

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, ten pills he’s snorting

A prostitute in Norway is called a fjord escort

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, eleven threats he’s leaving

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, twelve vids of cumming

Good news! The escaped Cirque du Soleil acrobats living in the woods performed their annual Christmas sacrifice last night, and it wasn't one of our top players.

accidentally bit my lip and it turns out im not nearly as much of a snack as i thought i was

Happy Return a Bunch of Shit Day

this is gonna take a minute, but I’m already loving the intro. I adore her brain.

Christmas is over, stop touching your elf

[Cumming] omg what's wrong with my pee

You can always tell a ritzy town by the number of accident attorney billboards

i will be victorious over my enemies on this the day of boxing

he called me a “cotton-headed ninny-muggins” and then everything just went black, officer

People who notice cool birds are better lovers everybody knows that

“Merry Christmas, Sexy!” said the unknown number, a little after midnight.

Happy holidays from the molten lava surface of the sun (my parents' excruciatingly warm apartment).

pro tip: scams can’t work if you never answer the phone or texts or emails or open the door or get out of bed

Starting tomorrow, my Yule Log will be 50% off

Its never too late to regift that holiday trauma.