Dumbass can't even die correctly

I'm sure Canadian soldiers running exercises to prepare for a potential American invasion is just due diligence and I don't have a lot of confidence that anyything's going to happen, but I assure you, if the United States does go to war with Canada, I will live skeet jokes through the entire thing.

Look, it's simple. We just want the worst person in the world to die

when it happens can we have a break from presidents? we as a nation just need to sit down for a bit

"A modern Caligula" is very on the nose.

guess what else is a “minor electrical issue”

this.

We have now entered the 8th month of January, only 4 more years to go.

This day in history. 1959. Crime-fighting forensic pathologist Frances Gertrude McGill, the Sherlock Holmes of Saskatchewan, died when her evil nemesis curling instructor Gordie Moriarty slipped a little-known asiatic poison into her hot cocoa.

you can’t hurt me. you’re not the heartburn i’m gonna get from eating half a family size stouffer’s lasagna for breakfast

You wouldn't like me, I hate that Evanescence song.

is it once, it’s once isn’t it

Him: "Your sex is on fire" Her Physician: you have chlamydia

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH

If babies are so cool how does a 2 foot gate shut down their whole operation? Checkmate, idiots.

That bus won't leave my driveway.

I don’t care what anyone says, revenge is even better if you microwave it for thirty seconds.

had to use milk instead of half and half in my coffee this morning and I really don’t how much more of this I can take

Me: “One time I farted so bad it emptied out an entire train car” Interviewer: “I see. And what are you the least proud of?”

[Karate club] instructor: always expect the unexpected me: but if I expect the unexpected, it won’t be unexpected when it happens instructor: *stabs me* me: hmm, I wasn’t expecting that

Last summer, I bought one of those "Live, Laugh, Love" signs at a garage sale. The woman selling it looked me dead in the eye and said, "It didn't work."

Nothing prepares you for the quiet scorn of a cat. You could rescue it from a tree, and it’ll look at you like, "I was minutes away from learning to fly!

Are the stimulants they shot him up with wearing off? He sounds like a record being played at a slower speed.

The "stay vaguely sane" drug in his system just ran out.

Iceland minding its own business and hearing its name in this insane speech.

just waiting for this dumbass to say that we’re coming for the North Pole next

Sales kick off meetings would be way more fun if we could kick certain co-workers.

I’m just a little raw nerve in this world

Methinks Trump’s war on wind power has to do with him being afraid of his toupee blowing off.

haven’t been this tired since that one origami incident back in 98

“i will be seen as a liberator” i say, while pouring salt on the garden slugs

You can’t do this alone *hands you an iced coffee & two bags. One contains cheese, the other a well trained ninja cat*

Introduce yourself with 5 facts: 1. Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me 2. Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me 3. Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me 4. Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me 5. Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me

sometimes you consume the edible. other times the edible consumes you

Reasons Trump is threatening to invade Greenland: 1. To hide the Epstein files. 2. To get the US expelled from NATO. 3. To divert European intelligence / support from Ukraine and the eastern front to the new western front. 4. He's a corrupt thieving greedy Nazi piece of shit.

Timothée Chalamet, Timothée Chalamnot. that is the question

“What are we doing again?” “Birdwatching.” “How does this work?” “First, we look for a bird.” “And we eat it.” “No, we take a picture of it.” “Then we eat it?” “No, we write down the name of it.” “And then can we finally eat it?” “We don’t eat the bird, Gerald.” “This is stupid.”

How is he getting away with this? How were things allowed to get this fucking far?

This isn't sustainable. I was already kind of a mess before anyway, but this constant stress, and worry, and the hate, JFC, the hate I feel for this administration, and also for the idiots who said we were overreacting. It's not sustainable.

I'm like a pineapple. People really dislike me on pizza.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH

Can we just skip ahead to the Fuhrerbunker suicides? I'm tired boss

It's so cute when that parasite you've been cultivating peeks out from inside your nose.

your honor she was being smug