I love Jaws, I've seen it a bunch of times, I even went to the theater to see the release last month and for reasons I can't fully articulate I do not think it's a horror movie at all. It always strikes me as weird when I see it on a list of horror movies.

Because horror movies are all over the place again and people are lauding Jeepers Creepers I'll bring this up again. I do get it. I liked the first movie when it came out. I thought it was a cool story, a cool monster, and a decent flick. But yeah.

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "why the long face?" Pug leans over to his friend and says "I told you it'd work" as he takes the googly eyes off of his dong. Horse shakes his head and says "Ian, man, I dunno about this one." Ian shrugs and hits post.

How the hell was Ron Howard a DEI hire by the Catholic Church? Hold on, I'm getting a message. Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm. Yes. Not Opie? Mmm hmm. I rescind my question at this time.

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "why the long face?" Horse says "Had to delete one of my Cuomo jokes. I can't have two on the timeline in the same day. There were pics attached, his rumpled laundry face just fucked up the whole timeline."

Oh, were 20% of all the top performing articles this week written by me? Again? *pops my collar* C'mon, baby. Daddy feels like dancin'

Jesus, are they still digging Cuomo out of the curb he got stomped into?

Team work! *clap clap* Team work! *clap clap* TEAM WORK!!

We all get why the band played while the Titanic went down now. Like...really get it.

If I had the ability to make WereCage into a movie, I would 100% cast someone other than Nic Cage, only because it would make me laugh a lot. I'd cast Jesse Plemons as Nic Cage.

I like that someone at CNN thought this was a story. The current government seems to be made up of greedy, racist, Biblically evil pedophiles who have deployed soldiers against their own people. But we draw the line at socialist shitposters!

Vote for me, I will pet your dog!

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

*puts on a zoot suit* Hey, hep cats! I have a car phone! Who wants to eat pizza pie and hula hoop??

God, imagine having to get in the clown car this man calls a classroom to learn economics from him. I'm sure approaches the subject with as much intellectual rigor and thoughtfulness as this flaccid fish cock of a skeet.

One of the best things about walking my dog at night is a clear sky when I can see all the stars. There are at least 100 billion of them in our galaxy alone. And there are 2 trillion galaxies. And there are 1 billion planets for every grain of sand on Earth...and I have Pop Tarts in the cupboard.

Please note that you should never, ever, touch a rabbit's brown dangly titty.

$1.04?!?! How did you know I needed this?

Temu is now laser focused on meeting my interests head on.

You can buy this on Temu for $1.02 if you need it.

I am shocked, disappointed & appalled at the lazy necromancy on display here. Listen, if you are going to resurrect a jangly terrapin meat puppet then for God's sake, make sure you tighten up those tendons so it doesn't fall apart in front of crowds. Do you want your herb sachet to fall out?

Tesla Driver: Grok, am I an asshole? Tesla: Nah, bro, you're a rockin' cool dude! Your wife left you because your hog was too much for her to endure and she realized others need to experience it. Hygiene is for losers, anyway! Those aren't tears, you're just so full of awesome your eyes leak, bro!

On the upside, once chat GPT rolls out sexting, it will tell top US Army generals that they need to deploy big titties. Deploy those titties now!. Major Boner is in command of invading Butt Stuff Peninsula, sir. Reporting for duty!

In the interests of preventing you from losing your ChapStick, I'm starting a business where, for the same price, I'll send someone to your house to lick your lips for you. Please don't lose the Licker.

Legally, you can use brands in a movie without paying or even asking permission. Your characters can drink Budweiser, wear Nike, and drive a Ford. That said, if your character drinks Bud, straps on his killing Nikes, and runs over orphans in a Ford, all three companies could potentially sue you.

Rewatching Tucker & Dale vs. Evil is almost as good as a warm hug. Eli Craig also directed this year's Clown in the Cornfield which is way better than a sharp stick in the eye.

All the stories in this article sound very real and genuine. Like the people who get cheered at when they drive their cybertruck. And the guy who talks to a lady about her criticisms and then she cried because she realized she persecuted the driver unfairly. www.wired.com/story/owning...

Tom Cruise: Scientologist: Tom Cruise: Scientologist: Tom Cruise: Scientologist: Tom Cruise: Put your finger in the Tom Crussy. Scientologist: Blessed be!

Fine, I'll buy these, too

WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?!

Fun fact: Tom Curry, in a desperate attempt to get out of this makeup one day, peeled some of his own skin off. They tried to find a more accommodating way to make it work for him after.

Exec: Dammit, what happened?!? We put the most charismatic and beloved actor of our generation in it and it still failed! Intern: Jared Leto?? Exec: STAR OF MORBIUS JARED LETO, YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT!

Shout out to Fergus for stopping next to a path behind a house to take a poop in the dark. Of course, for the lady in the hot tub in the backyard with three friends who said "there's someone back there watching us," I could see how, from her perspective, it looked that way.

Last fingers of light grasping at dusk.

The Goosening 2025

Is it time for movie monsters? I think it's time! Let's go on a trip through some of my favorite creature designs. Not exhaustive, by any means, but the stuff I could come up with off the top of my head. Let' start with Tim Curry's Darkness. Curry wore 18 inch lifts to depict this beast!

This skeleton of a clown's been eating nothing but beef, salt and clonazepam since 2018. Of course he's being attacked by spirits, it's angry cows and the ghosts of common sense taking up residence in his massive, empty fucking head.

Timeline cleanse French musician Plumes serenades the animals; the tiger singing along is 🤌🏻 (From plumesofficiel)

*reads the leaked texts from a young serial killer's group about their love of serial killing* Someone online: Oof! When I knew Jeffrey Dahmer he never ate me even once. I think there's been a real change in the direction of young serial killers lately. It never used to be like this.

All the lactose we have stripped from lactose-free milk has been festering in a deep pit and soon the dread undergod Lactor will emerge to give bowel distress to all. TO ALL!!!

I wonder if a lumpy, brown toad ever hops by a pond sometimes and sees a smooth, green frog right on shore and thinks "look at that sexy, wet son of a bitch."

*makes a joke about a key lime pie needing to be locked up* Yes. Pulitzer for me.

You ever drop trou in a little pants puddle at your feet and step out and then immediately your cat or dog runs over like you made a nest for them and takes up residence and so now you just have a pants bed in the middle of the floor?

A lot of this thread is suggests that the rest of us are off base and can't know what these people were really like & this is all a change. OK, but how come all the old ones in charge right now are also horribly racist and vile? Was *every* one like this? Maybe not. But the group embraced it.

If I were a farmer one of the first things I would do would be to make sure all my scarecrows were just made of straw and not evil monsters or resurrected corpses. I bet the straw ones are cheaper, too.

Are there other rangoons that we're missing out on? Is there taco rangoon? Pepperoni rangoon? Hash brown rangoon? I have a right to know and so do you.

Should I do a thread of my favorite movie monsters with some deep cuts from some of the obscure shit that I like and some more popular things just because they look cool? That's a Halloween kind of thing to do, right?

Ugh. Fine, I'll buy these, too.

And when you saw only one set of footprints, that was when Pumpkinhead picked up the guy he'd been stalking and tore him to shreds. That was the mess next to the footprints.

I tried to use ChatGPT to build a grocery list but it won't answer unless I call it "Big Boss Bussy." I don't like this new version.