I'm going to find this man's wife and date her.

tHIs iS A seRioUs SItE!

*samples vagina with a tiny, mother-of-pearl spoon and then spits* No. NOOO! THIS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I NEED THE TOP 0.001% OF VAGINA! I WANT IT SOURCED FROM THE CASPIAN SEA! IT NEEDS TO HAVE NOTES OF CEDAR! WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HATE ME?!?!

*me and Ryan Gosling on an elevator* Me: You seem like a silly little goose. Ryan Gosling: Ahhh, ha! *we are now friends*

*invites America to meet me in a parking garage* Me, standing in shadows: Take this. *hands America a plain manila envelope* America: What is it? Me, taking a drag from a cigarette: It's proof. *America opens the envelope & gasps* America: We elected...a Cheeto! *Democracy is saved*

This man looks like if your PTA mom and your dad who's really into craft beer went through Seth Brundle's telepod together.

If you are not a frequent user of urinals, you may not be aware of how urinals actually work beyond the basics. 90% of the time, this is the urinal you see in a public bathroom and it's pretty self-explanatory. You stand in front of it and pee. Sometimes you are lucky enough to have a partition.

Resident Evil? *takes a long sip of an overpriced coffee and opens Bluesky on two devices* More like President Evil.

This looks pretty dope and creepy and shoutout to the Baron Harkonnen.

So do the "Just Vote!" people have new messaging ready or what's the scoop there?

Looks like Waygu Beef Wellington is back on the menu, boys! - Uruk-Hai Society Types

When's the last time you stroked the salmon? Touched a trout? Fondled a flounder? Welcome to the Wetting Zoo. Sharks, I'm seeking $1 million for a 5% stake in my combination aquarium and petting zoo.

Yes I put rocket skates on this cow. I'm a goddamn college grad. Now stand back.

I was once swimming around in some dude's nuts. But then I broke the fuck out, Escape from Alcatraz style.

Widow's Bay on Apple TV is kind of like if Schitt's Creek was also horror. It's a lot of fun so far.

Here is some ice cream I bought that tastes like licking Grandma's pillow. It tastes the way hand soap smells. It tastes like a $5 bill in birthday card.

These are pretty amazing in so far as they have the exact texture of wet garbage. It's like a dirty old sponge that's been under the sink or something. The flavor is fine, a little bland, but man. What an experience that texture is. It is an ordeal to have this in your mouth.

Gonna start an unreliable therapy business where I will listen to your problems if you give me tacos. It's called Let's Taco Bout It. When the tacos are gone, so am I. But no judgment, and I will support your choices unless they really suck.

The AI-themed horror movie Afraid with John Cho is so absurd its actually worth watching. So many scenes just seem to come out of nowhere and make you ask why they're happening. It's clearly not meant to be as funny as I thought it was, but that really saved what would otherwise be kind of terrible.

I feel bad for the Chatterer in Hellraiser. He's shown up several times & he usually gets his ass kicked, but think of what his life has to be like normally. These interdimensional BDSM horn balls are all having a good time and your boy has no eyes or lips. He's missing out on a lot.

I saw the Andy Serkis director's cut of The Mist. When everyone is together in the car at the end and it seems like all hope is lost, a friendly dance crew breakdances out of the mist and gives them all sandwiches. They head to Miami and win the big dance off to save the community center.

Pinhead is cosmically horny. His horn is on a level mortal minds can't fully comprehend. He is so horny that he wants you to be as horny as him, only his horny is also on a level most of us will find gross or, ya know, nightmarish cuz all sensation is horn to him. This became muddled in later films.

Have I been deep diving into the history of under-the-cabinet mounted can openers to prove decisively that, despite what most sites on the internet say, they were not invented in the 1970s, rather the early 80s, and didn't debut until 1983? Yeah. I'm the Columbo of that shit.

Fuck yeah.

Here are four of the three or four dozen guys Fergus tried to bop on the head. There's a plague of toads out here. It's like some kind of escape room navigating through here with the dog.

Oh god, there are teens in the woods listening to country music. I think I'm about to be roughhoused. Or Road Housed.

This was well-cast because I assume Jared Leto only has a career due to dark sorcery. Who the fuck likes Jared Leto?

Portrait of a man in motion.

Celebrate every mom with SHEIN

Sometimes I will misspell hemoglobin as hemogoblin and then I remember that Hemo-Goblin was a DC comic book character whose power was killing minorities with AIDS.

Saw some butter and flour bouncing down the street? That's a kangaroux.

The 5 Best Foxys Brown Boxing Shazam Lady Cleopatra

Jose, Parole Board Member: Mr. Dahmer, if we let you go, do you promise not to eat anyone else? Jeffrey Dahmer: *gnawing a shin bone* Promise! Jose: *narrowing eyes* Hmm. Allllriiiiight. But don't you make me look silly!

My name is Deathstalker and I am not wearing a wig. I am amazing.

There are a weird number of movies about science shrinking people down to a tiny size, but not enough about shrinking people down to just an uncomfortable size in the toddler range.

I don't know if most people know this but Bill C-3 in Canada states that you are entitled to Canadian citizenship if you can prove that somewhere in your past one of your antecedents was Canadian. So not just parents but grandparents, great-grandparents, you can go back to the 1800s.

The Strait of Hormuz? *takes a long drag from a cigarette* That turned out to be quite the crooked little mess. *exhales and coughs violently*

You gotta be fresh. Me? I'm fresh.

Here's how good my memory is. I was in the hospital 7 months ago (apparently) and I don't remember this at all.

You guys better be able to see these pictures! If these are just blank photos of like a tree then clearly I am being haunted because, on my phone, these are all pictures of a red squirrel.

Welcome to Bugsville, USA

Swamp Ferg: Master of the Marsh

This seems like it's good news for someone who wants to sue a company that misdiagnosed them due to shitty AI. Assuming you survive long enough to file a lawsuit.

Good news and bad news, team. Good news is that Shitolocus the Turd Gremlin has agreed to come to work full time! Yay! Bad news is that he started this morning and has completely covered the first two floors in shit. There is nothing salvageable down there. Gary from accounting died.

Every so often I have to recommend this movie to people. Even if the concept of a Grizzly-proof suit isn't your cup of tea, it's worth watching to see this man from rural Ontario allow his friends to drive into him with a pickup truck and then beat him with baseball bats to test his invention.

Anyone anywhere on the internet: Posts a picture of something black. The internet: That's goth.

Golems in order from worst to best Turd Meat Wood Clay Burrito Burrito Supreme

The first time I ever saw a tapir was at the Brookfield Zoo in Illinois and it had a boner. This elderly lady saw it and just screamed "noooo!" like the tapir was a mugger and he drew down on her with his hog.

I'm thinking of starting a Soul Asylum swear cover band. That's where I sing Soul Asylum songs, but I put a lot more swearing in them. I mean a lot more. Oh boy.

Marla needs a hand. Help out if you can or spread the word. Or both!