I just saw a commercial for a clothing store and this dude needs an outfit for his sister's birthday because it has a dress code and there's no cake. Listen, I'm not going to your party if there's both a dress code and no cake. I could just congratulate you over email on living for another year.

If Peter Jackson wanted to make the Lord of the Rings again, just with a new cast, maybe expand the story and include the goofy shit like Tom Bombadil, stretch that shit to four or five movies, I don't give a fuck, I'll watch it. I would love that.

I'm about a decade late but I finally watched the Fargo TV show. I've only seen season 1, but that was some good fucking tv. Bilbo is an asshole.

Reminds me of a turtle trying to flip over. Just flippity jibbing about all holus bolus and accomplishing nothing.

The Thing (1982, John Carpenter)

Behold the grim red specter of winter!

I HAVE A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT! NOOOO!

In the future if someone is able to make an AI movie as captivating and interesting as a mixture of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Fargo, Pulp Fiction, Die Hard, Terminator 2, and every amazing movie you've ever seen with moving performances & the most incredible story I still wouldn't give a fuck.

This absolutely fucking sucks. Also, even the idea behind it fucking sucks. Like, people make little jokes about the holidays being shitty, but you don't base an entire commercial around how much Christmas is fucking garbage to try to convince people go to fucking McDonald's. Holy shit.

This was such an obvious joke but I was curious if Mister Bee is a real product so I looked it up. This is not a joke. Can someone please buy these chips and send them to Canada for me?

*munching all the gingerbread dongs* They need to be men! The dick is the only edible part of these godawful cookies! STOP RUINING CHRISTMAS!

Lest you think I am all humbuggery, I gift you Bob Dylan's incredible accordion jam Must Be Santa where he rumbles through the lyrics like he's somehow on both Adderall and Valium. I fucking love this song, it's insane. youtu.be/a8qE6WQmNus?...

What is your least-liked Christmas song of all time? It's very hard to pick one. Everyone seems to hate Wonderful Christmastime which, you know, does suck. For my money, this godforsaken Christmas shoes song has got to be top 3. www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJcP...

Big Pharma is constantly engaging in schemes to get you addicted or to steal even more of your money but Little Pharma wants you to pay $5 for this box of Christmas cookies that was leftover from last year and Greg the pharmacy tech put the sale sticker over the expiration date so you can't tell.

If I was writing a sexy Krampus story I would call it Kram Us: A Sexy Krampus Tale and maybe he'd use that tongue too much and you'd either be super grossed out by the story or you'd love it or both.

I have a joke about Oedipus and I really wanna give it to my mom.

The best scene in Speed is when the bus jumps a 50 ft gap at 68 mph and it proceeds like nothing happened, because at one time I was driving at about 35 mph down a road in my Altima and I hit a pothole that blew out two of my tires.

If i was in the movie Speed I simply would have turned the bomb off.

In Die Hard, John McClane saves an office building. An airport in part 2. New York in part 3. America in part 4, and let's assume most of Europe from nuclear war in part 5. Despite this, people constantly call him a screw-up in the latter three films. He is literally the greatest hero in the world.

Fergus has received an upgrade. Should have cast him in Tron instead of Jared Leto.

Even though Die Hard is the true Christmas movie, you can still treat yourself to Die Hard 4. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Like when McClane launches a car into a helicopter somehow. Or Kevin Smith using generators to stay online when power everywhere else is down. McClane vs parkour!

When you've clearly had work done

Probably one of the worst parts about being a Godzilla is when you go to the closet to get your favorite sweater and it's full of Mothras.

You think someone who's been cheerleading mass deportations, the murders of Venezuelan fisherman, any of the horrible atrocities we've all seen over the past year is going to see an AI video of a cop shit talking ICE & suddenly have a moment of clarity? Which one of us is speculating too much?

From the get-go this officer's shoulder patch is gibberish so you can tell it's AI. This is the same technology that is convinced dozens of people to commit suicide. That plagiarizes artists. That wastes tons of electricity. That pollutes, that manipulates, that lies. We don't need more of this.

Sometimes when I walk my dog in the cold we have to shorten the walk considerably because his wee feet can't handle that much cold, and I wonder how well he understands the reason. Fergus would walk for hours if he could, I think. He would walk to exhaustion, he has no understanding of enough...

Only Burgers in the Building is my podcast where I invite Steve Martin, Selena Gomez, and Martin Short to come and eat burgers we find in my house but 134 episodes in it's mostly just been me eating burgers alone.

Give Marla a hand if you can. Season of giving and such!

*checks my previous 21,900 skeets* Mmm hmm, they're all great.

Gordon Lightfoot looked to the side of the stage, sweat beading on his brow. The Gerald Fitzedmund cocked its pistol and mouthed the words "keep singing." It was then that Lightfoot knew he would never escape the song and the lie it perpetuated about what happened that day on the lake.

Quentin Tarantino: If you've ever seen Eric Falberg's 1974 classis "The Gun Runners" you know this technique for exposing the film just enough to create this almost sandpapery texture he used over all the shots of the villain, Papa Dumas. Me: Mmm, yes. Have you seen Ghoulies Go to College? Classic.

The Northern Ontario Senior Hockey Organization (NOSHO), has just awarded me their first annual Prize for Greatness in Literature and Manliness.

Fuck! *clap* This! *clap* Fuck! *clap clap, clap* This! *clap* Fuuuuuck *clap clap* All this! *clap clap, clap* Fuck this! *clap clap clap clap clap*

*Santa Claus sneaks down the chimney, ready to make out with my mother and eat my snacks, but I am ready* "Samtsirhc!" I yell. Santa Claus shudders at the ancient curse and then flips inside out, leaving not but a pile of cookies, bells, and elven behavioral-control devices where he once stood.

Some folks defend AI videos, like the anti-ICE videos, by saying the idea is good. The sentiment is why it's worth sharing. The ends justify the means. Makes me think of a story I heard about a guy who jerked off in the gravy at KFC. Customers still got what they wanted in the end, right?

I like that this person's bio says they fight fascism and they used to teach rhetoric and someone has pointed out extremely thoroughly how a video they shared is AI and all they can do is disable comments and quotes and repeat over and over again that it's real. Awesome critical thinking skills.

People say crazy shit on the Bluesky.

Aaaaaaaaaagggghhhh!

Fergus and I just had to help the drunkest man i have ever seen at 5:30 back into his house. My guy fell over 5 times in 3 steps and then gave up next to his own compost waste. Smelled like a ramshackle distillery and could not keep his head level for a second.

As an actor it woukd suck to have a great director like Tarantino shit talk you for no reason. That said, as an actor, you could lace into the preposterously substandard actor Tarantino & suggest dude can't act to save his life so maybe he should temper his commentary since he's ironically no expert

This took me longer to do than I expected and for the last one I had to resort to Googling '90s bands and just looking through the list until a name popped out that made sense

Still unsure what to get me for Christmas this year?

As long as everyone consents.

Kind of amazing that it's literally the party of stupid, gullible, ignorant & deceptive people but you're never allowed to say that. I mean we can say it, but another politician couldn't say that. God forbid. You don't wanna offend the stupid, gullible, ignorant, deceptive people trying to kill you

Let the making of the peanut butter marshmallow haystacks commence!

I truly believe Vin Diesel thinks like this and would actually say this out loud to people. I believe, genetically, Vin Diesel is 50% donut.

Jesus, that man is absolutely munted. Good thing the British Avengers found him.

Hold up...say it's quarter past midnight and Gizmo decides to eat some ass. What then?

If i don't come up with 450 tomorrow (12/6) I'll be on the street. Please help or reskeet if you can ♥️ #MutualAid #MutualAidRequest #TransCrowdfund #HelpSky www.paypal.me/marlahsmith Venmo: @Marla-Smith-79 cash.app/$marlahsmith

The lighting is poor but I assure you this is Santa Claus.