looking forward to the rest of the anthology: The Duke of Croque Monsieur The Baron of Chicken Club The President of Cheesesteak

why don’t my emotions regulate themselves for once

I bet you could make a pretty cool portable candle in a chapstick tube

we know Jesus was a man because he disappeared for the whole weekend and then showed up late to a function expecting everyone to worship him

BARTENDER TIP: if you’re out of rose just add some red food coloring to white wine, no one can tell the difference

first date idea: I wake up in the middle of the night and you are ominously staring at me from the shadows in the corner

[about to make my worst decision of the decade] I think I need to do something to advance the plot a little

My therapist says my “spider sense” is just anxiety, and my hands are only sticking to walls because I just ate an ice cream sandwich.

Ah, fucked up your sleep schedule again have you

every ai product now is like “hey you know how users are always able to clearly and correctly articulate what they want?” which is hilarious if you’ve ever been involved in product work before

trying to figure out how to pass a message from my innie (me inside the shower) to my outie (me out of the shower) that we’re low on body wash

what is even the point of obituaries when they never write about the people I want to see there

parenting is all about finding kind and gentle ways to ask a child “but was it your fault?” when they tell you about something that happened at school

the u.s. adult illiteracy rate is about 25% now, which means if you encounter four adults it’s likely that one of them can’t read above a fifth grade level. but I think it’s higher than that because last week I sent an email to four adults and as far as I can tell not a single one of them can read

yeah I’ve got adhd A Damn Hard Did you know that there are thousands of species in the hawthorn genus, lots of them native to north america, but only some of their fruit is edible so you likely can’t eat the berries we found on our walk last week and no, I don’t know what time it is, why?

popping a ravioli like a pimple

someone who has never been mistreated by laws grows up thinking that legal means ethical

people will forget what you said. people will forget what you did but people will never forget the way you made them feel when you leaned over and ate from the party guacamole like a dog bowl

a straight jacket? you mean a permanent self-hug assist device?

it is 2026 and I am running out of business appropriate ways to say “what the fuck are you talking about”

ships could easily bypass the strait of hormuz by contracting with a guild navigator to fold space and safely reach the other side. the spice must flow.

look just because it’s named the “pendant of suffering” doesn’t mean it’s evil, you need to check your biases because honestly the pendant is making some really good points, can’t you hear the whispering?

is this really what you’re posting with your one wild and precious bluesky account

r.i.p. julius caesar, you would have loved the u.s. congress

the problem with teaching people stuff is that the answer to “does anyone have any questions?” could be “nope I fully understand it” or “no I didn’t understand anything ever and my head is so, so empty” and they look exactly the same from the front of the room

every time you miss a crosswalk in a captcha, a waymo runs over a child

*heath ledger joker voice* do you wanna know how i got this pb&j to stay fresh and not soggy for so long? well, i put peanut butter on both sides. *lip smacking* it contains the jelly, you see

if we’re going to regress society by hundreds of years we should at least make laudanum legal again

something my dog and I have in common is that if you leave food out I am going to eat it

an adhd cleaning service that ignores you for five months and then shows up one day and deep cleans your entire house for 16 hours straight

if they would just use amphibious cyber truck oil tankers they could just drive around the strait of hormuz

build a trebuchet and launch the oil across what is so hard about that

enemies to lovers but it’s me and this raccoon I found in an alley becoming sidekicks

trying to impress the guide by putting myself as an emergency contact

My dentist told me the pure of heart don’t need to floss

when you follow someone on bluesky that means you’re secretly in love with them

“hey do you want to hop on a call real quick?” me, internally: I’d rather die. I’d prefer you come to my desk and shoot me in the dick me: yeah, sure! happy to!

naming my postapocalyptic wasteland gang “Fallout Boy”

my most millennial-coded trait is that I wouldn’t push the flight attendant call button even in an emergency

I bet necrophiliacs yearn for the zombie apocalypse

a ceramic mug is just a fancy rock

“stop or I’m gonna cum”

if there’s a chore you HATE you can train yourself to love it by having a special treat that you only get when you do that chore. this is simple and easy and does not work at all once you realize that you are actually in charge of the treats and can have them at any time

I wouldn’t mind so much if I thought the government was going to use my extra hour for something good but they’re probably just going to waste it on the military

why doesn’t the daylight time save ME for once

here’s a question for all the millennials: is your shoulder actually better or did you just learn to stop doing everything that makes it hurt?

with the harsh terrain and high traffic, there would have been limited commerce ability between the east and the rest of middle earth. had they simply constructed a high speed rail it could have prevented the economic conditions which paved the way for Sauron’s populist rise to power

You guys ever think about how flipping your fins you don’t get too far?

bruno mars is called bruno ares in greece

last night I was awake when the clock turned from 1:59 to 3:00 and it felt like assault