Not my ducks, not my row

it’s time to admit that I can’t read or write, this whole time I’ve just been button mashing. I hope these posts are funny

the hebrew word “amen” means certainty or truth, so we could just as easily end prayers with “no cap”

I don’t want to hear any more about ephebophiIia, it’s time we start talking about Elphabaphilia

pour one out for nancy reagan losing her title as white house throat goat

hate winter because my microplastics get all stiff and brittle

me, a realtor doing a house tour: and in here we have a lovely room just off the main space! now, technically it can’t be sold as a bedroom since there’s no egress window, but it would make a fantastic office or goon cave!

if I was president there would be a hotline to a whole bureau of people ready to show up at someone’s house and say “it 👏 is 👏 a 👏 joke 👏 sir”

as President I would issue a badass leather collar to every member of the military which will cost billions and solve no problems but it will look fuckin’ *sick*

all I want for christmas is for the yellowstone supervolcano to *almost* explode (but not really)

jeffrey epstein won't see your jokes about how poorly written his emails were, but your barely literate friends also won't see them, because they can't read. fire away

so it turns out the culture of not understanding jokes on bluesky comes right from the top

headphones aren’t enough I need this music to play inside my skull

the reason pinnochio's nose grew when he called himself a real boy is because she's actually a girl

when I die I want my body donated to The Bog

[being threatened with the medieval torture device the iron maiden] me: but can i bring my phone in there?

we need a gofundme where people can donate their spare executive function

it’s legal to tell other people’s dogs you love them. no one will stop you

I feel like if I just click a few more links to confirm my scheduled appointment I’ll experience true happiness. I’m so close, I know it

if your board game doesn’t require a bachelor’s degree in applied math or statistics then I’m not interested

a worm? no, that’s amateur shit. would you still love me if I was an angry canada goose?

saw a guy in a hard hat and started following him around like a lemming and now I’m in a hole walking back and forth

🎶 if you wanna be with me baby there’s a price to pay I’m a genie in a la croix can, you gotta crack me the right way

how can I be expected to work today when the song that I’ve been listening to on repeat is no longer giving me the happy chemicals

me: hi I’d like to continue reading the ebook that I have downloaded to my device. you downloaded it, right? and saved it to the device like you said you did? apple books app: oh yeah, for sure. deeefiiinitely did. just check out this loading screen real quick while I make a couple network calls

molasses deserves to be an ingredient in chili, it’s morally correct to put molasses in your chili

canada is smart with their milk in a bag thing, but I think they don’t go far enough. I think every liquid should have a bag option. hot soup? bag. cough syrup? bag. industrial quantity of engine lubricant? believe it or not, bag.

canada is smart with their milk in a bag thing, but I think they don’t go far enough. I think every liquid should have a bag option. hot soup? bag. cough syrup? bag. industrial quantity of engine lubricant? believe it or not, bag.

every story about mamdani in a major newspaper is the 60-year-old-went-to-journalism-school version of a toddler saying “nuh-uh”

molasses deserves to be an ingredient in chili, it’s morally correct to put molasses in your chili

if you like brown sugar better than white sugar, what you actually like is molasses

finding the exact pantone color of my nipples

I am a proud thanksgiving decoration denialist. fall decorations aren’t real, we put up our christmas tree the day after halloween

the first 24-48hrs are critical for finding Waldo

fans on oscillating mode are more authentic wind than fans blowing straight, which is highly artificial wind

my body is a machine that turns one little treat into a constant need for more little treats

finally hit rock bottom, now I just have to hit fire, air, and water bottoms

finally hit rock bottom, now I just have to hit fire, air, and water bottoms

- blowing out the sprinkler system - cleaning the gutters - scattering debris - launching a soft rocket

I like to come up with new euphemisms for pooping: - paying tribute to the porcelain throne - fertilizing the water garden - the hunt for the brown october - aerating the koi pond - dreaming of a brown christmas

irish guy walks into an american bar and sits down next to an older fellow at the bar. he orders a beer and trying to be friendly he leans over and says “what’s your name?” american guy sighs and says “I cheated on my wife once, but do they call me the Cheater? no, they don’t” 1/3

I like to stay in the video call after everyone in the meeting has left, this is MY video call now and I’M in charge

you should be allowed to bark like a dog in any corporate offices without being penalized or ejected

my body is a machine that turns one little treat into a constant need for more little treats

canceling plans is okay. losing touch with a friend is okay. escaping prison and using your newfound fortune to plan an elaborate 30-year revenge on the person who sent you there is okay, do whatever you need to cope

most of life is believing you have bones without ever actually seeing them

have you ever thought about how you don't know what bleach tastes like

if you’re wondering why I haven’t skeeted in 3 days, it probably has nothing to do with this

hi sharks, I’m here today to ask if any of you have six fingers on your right hand

why is bluesky making me google “jeremy renner snowplow” this morning