growing up I really assumed boa constrictors would be a way bigger problem in my life

first date idea: we hang out in my cast iron hot tub with some root vegetables and maybe a bay leaf or two, some celery and carrots, some salt and pepper

life hack: telling people you were raised by wolves in the forest will get you out of almost any social faux pas, and it’s not like there’s any way for them to check

never understood why people are afraid to like or repost their own skeets. I can’t help that everything I write is timeless and iconic and needs to be read by every single person on this site

I wish I could get notifications for when people press “show me less like this” on one of my posts because that feels like a higher compliment than a repost

when Bluesky was down I just typed a bunch of shit in my notes app and said “like” and “repost” out loud it felt exactly the same, tbh

if you’re trouble remembering to stop, drop, and roll can help STOP - stop anyone from talking to you DROP - drop any responsibilities or goals for the day ROLL- dinner rolls can help you feel better if you eat enough of them

I would’ve been the funniest person on the Titan submersible. I would’ve had them doubled over laughing when it imploded

there are so many super basic features missing from their UI which would be SO easy to implement: - sort books by series order - automatically mark read instead of leaving at 99% - a view for books I’ve started and not finished - a filter to show unread books amazon why do you hate readers so much

the person who designs kindle software doesn’t read at all, I can just tell

microdosing a substance abuse disorder by drinking NA beer for breakfast lunch and dinner

(spinning the obsession wheel because I’m between special interests) come on writing! art history! at least something work related! (wheel lands on ‘Maritime Logistics’) fuck!

friends with benefits but the benefit is that we barely talk

I GET LOGGED OUT. BUT I LOG IN AGAIN

oh sure, like life is gonna just GIVE you free lemons? grow up

it’s crazy how every food these days is just whey protein powder and flour, and every drink is just caffeine and fake sweetener

my manager: you don’t have to do this for every feature request

what if there ARE aliens but their taste in memes is terrible. technology out of this world but they’re using it to share facebook minion memes. what then

new la croix flavor: chlorinated pool water

These people be posting like shutting up cost money

when you get fired from a medical field your severance should include all the medical supplies you would have stolen in that time

my manager: you don’t have to do this for every feature request

[creating a jira ticket] as a user, i want to live my one wild and precious life to the fullest and not waste it updating jira ticket statuses

does anyone else fanatically make sure that a period following bold/italic text is not itself bold/italic, or are all of you normal?

have we tried adding protein powder to antidepressants?

germ theory is such bullshit like sure, there are little invisible guys living on everything, but your body LOVES some of them and HATES others and that controls how you feel every day? grow up

it’s crazy how every food these days is just whey protein powder and flour, and every drink is just caffeine and fake sweetener

I think a tattoo counts as mental health care so my insurance company should do a copay for it

oh sure, like life is gonna just GIVE you free lemons? grow up

NATURE FACT: crows would smoke cigarettes if they had fingers

yeah I’ve got adhd A Damn Hard Did you know that there are thousands of species in the hawthorn genus, lots of them native to north america, but only some of their fruit is edible so you likely can’t eat the berries we found on our walk last week and no, I don’t know what time it is, why?

cvs should sell bags of less-expensive “day-olds” like a bakery when their stock is about to expire

I can’t be allowed to learn latin because then I would know how bad the grammar is in every company motto and service slogan and I’d be annoyed forever

when I was a kid I thought splitting an atom sounded so high tech and elegant but then I found out it’s doing the equivalent of firing every batting cage machine in the place towards the same watermelon until it explodes

referring to leaving the house as “breaching containment”

I think a dagger in a wrist sheath could fix me

bears are always eating to bulk but underneath the fat they’re incredibly strong. if we could introduce them to modern bodybuilding diet techniques like the bulk cut cycle they could get shredded

user story: when i post 4 images, i no longer want other users to be able to see the 3rd and 4th without having to swipe

just watched Die Hard for the first time, most disappointing movie ever. he doesn’t die, nor is he hard for even a single moment of the film

a lot of people on this app feeling the need to let everyone know they don’t like stuff, but on here you determine your algorithm. if you don’t like something and you see it anyway that’s a skill issue and you’re wasting your own time telling on yourself

say what will about netflix but they really captured the blockbuster experience of browsing for an hour trying to decide what to watch and then having to leave without renting anything because the one movie you wanted wasn’t there

why call it a union when “coworkers with benefits” is just as accurate

if your kid graduates elementary school without know what a bootloader is you’ve failed them as a parent

if I was in charge of a school I’d give each student a linux laptop and tell them they had to do some course work on there but in reality the laptop is configured wrong on purpose and the actual course work is fucking around with the laptop until the school program actually installs/runs

looking forward to the rest of the anthology: The Duke of Croque Monsieur The Baron of Chicken Club The President of Cheesesteak

why don’t my emotions regulate themselves for once

I bet you could make a pretty cool portable candle in a chapstick tube

we know Jesus was a man because he disappeared for the whole weekend and then showed up late to a function expecting everyone to worship him

BARTENDER TIP: if you’re out of rose just add some red food coloring to white wine, no one can tell the difference

first date idea: I wake up in the middle of the night and you are ominously staring at me from the shadows in the corner