ahn hyo-seop (the voice of Jinu from k-pop demon hunters) as an auctioneer: 🎤 🎶 CAN I GET THE PRICE A LITTLE HIGHER 🎶

me: today I’m going to find some new music to love. some modern music, something popular and relevant my brain: 🎶 where is your boy tonight, I hope he is a gentleman 🎶

we’ve been making a lot of crockpot meals lately and it’s led me to the realization that almost all food is some form of slop. sometimes the slop is contained in a form of bread

coleslaw is a good way to purity test your friend group. oh, you’re too good for cabbage dunked in mayo? you think it “gets all the rest of the food weirdly wet”? I “shouldn’t be eating it from the serving dish like a horse from a trough”? grow up

I asked CatGPT and it said to buy wet food and fish at the grocery store

you’re all making jokes but the reason Greg Bovino was removed from duty is a safety issue we all need to take seriously

oh you hate my guts? rearrange them then

i made a helpful chart to understand my mental state

had to delete a folder named "$(pwd)" today. very... very..... carefully.

going to the .DS_store, anyone need anything?

scrolling bluesky at the gym instead of working out because the work day ended before the hyperfocus juice ran out

I alphabetized the alphabet, you’re welcome: a b c d e f u c k i c e g h I j k l m n o p q r s t u v x y z

so excited for the new movie Pride & Prejudice & Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

media depictions of Costco hot dogs are setting up unrealistic expectations for other hot dogs. in reality not every hot dog is that thick, and most of them are not long enough to stick that far out of the bun. we need representation for average size hot dogs

groundhog day but instead of “I got you babe” the wakeup song is sugar ray’s “every morning”

there are two wolves inside you: that’s why sometimes your skin itches from the inside, it’s the fur

my “I promise we are good at handling children during detainment” speech has people asking a lot of questions that are already answered by my speech

which astrological signs are innately inclined to demolitions? I’m putting together a team and I want to make sure they all get along

I think everyone involved in sending a 5 year old to a detention center alone should be immediately put to death

if I was a paleontologist I’d try sneaking a human bone in there every once in a while just so see if anyone’s paying attention

cashier: I’ll need to see some ID me: *hands them an ace of hearts* cashier: this isn’t an ID. also it looks nothing like you *camera pans over to me, dressed as the ace of hearts from a live-action alice in wonderland*

coleslaw is a good way to purity test your friend group. oh, you’re too good for cabbage dunked in mayo? you think it “gets all the rest of the food weirdly wet”? I “shouldn’t be eating it from the serving dish like a horse from a trough”? grow up

a keystone is the clitoris of the arch

"mate" is actually short for breeding MATErial so when your lads at the pub call you that you know what they mean

hi, I’m someone who built their whole income around participating in an app i have no stake in or control of, that could change at any time, and I’m here on your platform to talk about sustainability because that makes sense

really need some unsolicited feedback on my posts, I feel like telling someone to fuck off today

I think everyone involved in sending a 5 year old to a detention center alone should be immediately put to death

marking really important but low-visibility tickets “wont fix” out of a sense of pessimistic realism

you can switch YOUR trolley to a different track at any time, but capitalism guarantees that someone who won’t switch tracks is elevated to a position above you in a much larger trolley and there’s nothing you can do about that

there are two wolves inside you: that’s why sometimes your skin itches from the inside, it’s the fur

groundhog day but instead of “I got you babe” the wakeup song is sugar ray’s “every morning”

they actually have this at mcdonald’s but the machine is always broken

it’s not “crop dusting” I’m sending invisible smoke signals

does anyone know where I can get one of those medieval stretcher torture racks? asking for a friend in their 30s who lifted three days in a row

until you have given it everything you've got in a sincere & sustained effort, you cannot *know* that you can't do a kamehameha

it’s amazing how much cleaning technology has improved over the years. you couldn’t make a modern cinderella today, she would just fire up her Dyson DC41 and be at the ball by 8pm

standing over the sink at 2am eating handfuls of the blue goop from phantom menace that shorts out electronics

mr darcy sending elizabeth bennett an ai slop love letter

no one is brave enough to say it, but most typical women’s haircuts are some form of mullet

“you post a lot” yeah well im not hot enough to get by on my looks so

denver is so warm for some weeks that I forget it’s winter, so when it gets cold out I go “I can’t believe it’s 20 degrees in… *checks phone* oh, mid january okay fair enough”

every decision I make spawns a whole new infinite universe but somehow in all of them I’m posting on bluesky

help I’m trapped in an infinite multiverse

old navy makes clothes for dads who couldn’t afford the name brand jncos in high school

Got my first bag of potato chips in months. Cracked it open. The first chip out of the bag was... soggy? The second chip was almost fungal. Baffled, I explored the bag and discovered AN ENTIRE POTATO. Unsliced, brined, like a wad of seasoning juice. It had survived, and now was juicing the chips.

WARNING: the bluesky security team is notifying users of an ongoing scam operation: when people make weird replies to your posts you actually aren’t legally required to respond or even read them

just pop it right in there like a big capri sun

I swear some of you are making up the birthday wishes to other posters. I barely know my family’s birthdays, there’s no way y’all know this many birthdays of your online friends