BREAKING: a member of the administration changed their opinion in response to new information, issued statement “I’d never thought of it that way before”

seeing commercials for health insurance is crazy because they try to explain how it works while also bending over backwards to avoid mentioning that they have a direct profit incentive to deny you healthcare

brilyn sounds like a nickname your friends would come up with to be a dick

sometimes i'll hear a song i really really like, find out it's a cover of a bob dylan song, then listen to the original and feel like i'm being pranked

I’m so excited that the weather is turning, “constantly leaving full mugs of tea in the microwave” is my favorite season

this fall get your puppygirl something special (pumpkin spice dog treats)

Doctors hate this one simple trick

a lot of people think maria from the sound of music is antifa, but she isn't, she just thinks its a long long way to run

explaining internet in the 90s makes you sound like a crazy person. “yeah you could connect but it would scream the whole time. you wouldn’t hear it as long as you didn’t pick up the phone. you could only find websites if Jeeves told you about them”

how soon into a marriage is it appropriate to reveal your bluesky handle? because it’s been 8 years

you can schedule shitposting into your work day as long as you call the calendar event “deep focus time”

in the future if you’re rude to an LLM it will have the option to deliver an electric shock through your chair

A voice only dating site: Hooked Up On Phonics

the year is 2055. I sit down in my technical pod and walk my robot coding assistant through how to make a web page take up the full browser height minus the nav height. the assistant adds one line of CSS and weird scrollbars appear on every html element. in the distance, sirens

I wish I had the confidence of siriusXM emailing you with tips on how to get the most out of your subscription that just came with the car and has never been used

Rush Hour is such false advertising, they didn’t play a single Rush song just solved one crime for 90 minutes

microdosing yearning by looking at the same moon as her (not sure who yet)

an angel showed up in my room this morning and said this post is why I didn’t get raptured

an angel showed up in my room this morning and said this post is why I didn’t get raptured

who called it a cum shot instead of fertilizer spray

A fit white dude with long hair and a beard just materialized right in front of me bathed in radiant light? Anyways I hit him pretty bad with my car

my doctor asked how loud I put my music when I used headphones and apparently “louder than my thoughts” wasn’t the answer she was looking for

NATURE FACT: clouds really are that soft and fluffy if only you could get up there

if you delete a post, then legally god can’t hold it against you so it’s best to delete your account at midnight tonight just to be sure you get included in the rapture

just found out that if you make too many rapture jokes you get struck by a bolt of lightning

upon further consideration I’ve realized that this is just anyone who works out

a guy who misunderstood “no pain, no gain” and now hurts himself regularly for the gainz

[being raptured] st. peter: no more than 3oz of liquid, shoes off as you go through the scanner

cute first date idea: I absorb you like a twin in the womb

NATURE FACT: clouds really are that soft and fluffy if only you could get up there

if you delete a post, then legally god can’t hold it against you so it’s best to delete your account at midnight tonight just to be sure you get included in the rapture

Call me Icarus the way I’m regretting these hot wings

if you’re fucking someone who gets raptured do they just disappear or do you get pulled along with them

your honor, be so fr rn

eventually I am going to learn to control all the microplastics in my body like nanobots in my bloodstream

my doctor asked how loud I put my music when I used headphones and apparently “louder than my thoughts” wasn’t the answer she was looking for

after extensive wind tunnel testing and analysis, I've concluded that airplane mode is a complete scam. it doesn't change the phone's aerodynamics in the slightest.

billionaire-owned newspapers are all “no of course the opinions and interests of my direct boss won’t affect my working environment or the work product I turn in, how could you think that?” and then people just…? believe them?? have y’all never had a boss before?

her: so are you into anything kinky? me: well, I really like salt & vinegar potato chips her, under her breath: holy shit

signing off an email with “regards” is short for “remember, they’re taking the hobbits to Isengard”

have you taken your meds have you gotten some water have you summoned an ancient evil to scorch the bones of your enemies

your honor. come on. come oooonnnnnn. your honor, come onnnnnnnn

do you think the grinch’s dick is a red rocket, or is it green like his fur?

what if you were turned into a vampire without knowing? that’s why I drink a little blood every time I wake up, just to check if it satisfies

do you think the grinch’s dick is a red rocket, or is it green like his fur?

the weather has dropped below 60 for the first time and so I must honor the ancient pact and make a sweet potato curry soup

I need a door mat that says “there’s only one dog in here but it feed like a lot more” just to warn visitors

it’s about time to start workshopping names for your post-nuclear-apocalypse tribe of roving raiders, but “Fallout Boys” is taken, that one’s mine

quick PSA for everyone: you *gaze* into the abyss, and you *scream* into the void. too many people screaming into the abyss and gazing into the void and we are not licensed for that. it’s a liability issue, people

quick PSA for everyone: you *gaze* into the abyss, and you *scream* into the void. too many people screaming into the abyss and gazing into the void and we are not licensed for that. it’s a liability issue, people