They gave me a prescription for cannoli at the italian hospital ❤️

My doctor says I should be monitoring my blood pressure. In this economy?

The upside of ADHD is you really can unknow things.

SEAL: But did you know that when it snows my eyes become large and the light that you shine can't be seen? OPTOMETRIST: that’s not supposed to happen

this is it. this the year. the year i finally close all those browser tabs

just betty white being a fashion icon: thread

i go outside and people have the audacity to also be there

You wouldn’t poke a mon

i think this goose sweatshirt might fix me

britney chande-spears: thread

A learning opportunity hate to see me comin

My talent is always arriving at cvs pharmacy during their weird communal lunch

“You look familiar.” I don't even go outside so why are you lying..

Go on and slow dance to Janis Joplin while making your dog scrambled eggs for breakfast. I bet you'll smile for a little longer today if you do

Can't figure out why 'kick rocks' is supposed to be derogatory. You ever kicked a rock? It's fucking fantastic.

I think we should all just give up and go full feral.

i planted a quarter last summer

what a flimsy excuse for a reality

Because the first people that tried saying "oneteen" and "twoteen"got punched in the face.

Removing my socks one toe at a time like a burlesque dancer

You think insects measure things in horsefly power?

The daily contact lenses taste like 1/30 as good as the monthly ones

there are two pop tarts in a pack so you can start and end the day with one

apparently the face your baby makes while pushing out a poop is hereditary

L. Ron Hubbard is Old Mother Hubbard’s son

I love eavesdropping. Her ex is trying to steal her dog. His boss is having a blatant affair with his assistant. She hates her job because of her boss. He shat his pants but had a backup pair.

i wore broaches in high school just to let you know that i have always been this cool.

How I know that 2020 changed me: I can read a news article describing a new Covid variant with ‘razor blade throat’ symptom and not bat an eye. 🫠

🦉

They don’t believe in any gods and can’t read the Bible. How can they possibly do the morally correct thing?

My one regret about not having children is never getting to experience them coming home and asking if I’ve heard of Radiohead

It's unforgivable that we let plaid shirts with ripped jeans become the default uniform of men when it used to be the most reliable way of identifying who's secretly a werewolf.

Saying "beep boop" instead of scanner because it's a little cuter and far more annoying

Awful time to be alive but truly an amazing time to be a hater

On a scale of 1 to 10 for hotness, I would rate myself a good listener

Every time someone disagrees with me about anything, I shrug and say, "The cheese stands alone"

dolly parton and the golden girls: thread

BREAKING: A federal judge reversed National Institutes of Health's terminations of hundreds of critical research grants that were canceled because of their alleged connection to disfavored topics, including diversity, equity, inclusion, and gender identity. This is a major win for public health.

Software that lets you customize / standardize the names of the files you download from the software so you don't have to rename every damn file you download, is that too much to ask?

fall in love with your inner demons so maybe they’ll ghost you, too.

Inside of you there are two wolves of wall street

Obsessed with the pharma commercial trope of 'taking this medication will guarantee you can happily own a very boutique retail business'.

What would happen if I washed my hair with holy water?

my skin is so fair i get sunburnt just from a particularly toothy smile and also the regular way

I’m a sickly, frail Victorian child. Please commence the bloodletting and give me cocaine

My milkshake brings the boys to the yard. My fries attract women to my veranda. Sometimes I forget to put the twist thingy on the bread and get ants on the counter.

At what age is it appropriate to get your dad a bag of Werther’s?

🖖 sleep long and prosper

The cola chemists for Coke and Pepsi should be called fizzicists