Moray eels are the Gary Buseys of the oceans

Ftr I have never sung, sha-la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la tee-da

Not today, got monkey finger

Happy Columbo Day!

Life hack: never light up a room, you’ll just end up the subject of a Dateline episode

Yay! I’m finally old enough to pretend I can’t hear

How Soon Is Now - The Smiths

Me irl

The only thing I fear more than the government shutting down is the government staying open

I mean, cmon

I always have drugs on me to get to meet drug sniffing dogs

in my happy place

hi Sharks, today I’m pitching the bacon g string ❤️

Me: "Sweet dog!” Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog." Me: "Still in training, huh?" Policeman: "What do you mean?" Me: "Never mind."

Personally, I have always disliked stuff that sucks. And yet, they keep making it

Redrum, I mumbled.

butt chugging NyQuil is still ok

Toe to toe, dancing very close Barely breathing, almost comatose Wall to wall, people hypnotized And they're stepping lightly is how I figure the rapture will go tomorrow

Dance like everyone is watching and throwing coupons at you.

We need waterproof tissue for those crying in the shower mornings.

Just once i'd like to see two mimes having a huge argument in a library

Welcome to your 50s. You don’t lose weight, it hides somewhere and jumps out in group photos.

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly

Just finished that roll of Costco cling wrap I opened back in '03

My life alert bracelet says: “Throw My Phone Away!”

Pizza is just a greasy spoon for ranch dressing.

I should get to sleep. I have a long day of looking at my phone tomorrow

that guy actually said “Democrat women want to die alone without children” like that’s a bad thing

All of my favorite foods and activities are carcinogenic. I’m like 70% carcinogen rn

Me irl

The missing sock will only appear once the matching sock has been executed

Ladies! What's stopping you from looking like this?

Doctors don't follow people around and hit them with a stick when they're dumb anymore, and I think it's sad.

I’m always losing things like my car keys and that lovin’ feelin’.

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever smelled a thunderstorm in the desert?

Don’t be scared, but when I have an orgasm rainbows and glitter appear.

One of the worst ways to get stabbed is repeatedly

911: What’s your emergency? ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA. 911: When did you see it last? ME: JUST BEFORE I POSTED. 911: Where was it? ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.” 911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma. ME: SO?!? 911: Well, they’re not really necessary. ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

jumping ahead, who put the turd in turducken

when your wedding date runs from the table to participate in the chicken dance

👀

Whenever I see someone playing solitaire I shout "Two can play this game" and flip the table.

Three things i'd like to be as free as 1) A Bird 2) Willy 3) Gluten

If Jesus had his own carpentry business, do you think it’d be prophetable?

I’m a naan believer