Create a weight loss plan for me. Wrong answers only.

Create a daily workout routine for me. Wrong answers only.

surprise video calls from the boss should be illegal

need to get back in shape, haven’t been called “sport” since i was a kid

All hammered up on wassail

guess I’ll still be posting since I’m not a billionaire again

“Merry Christmas, Sexy!” said the unknown number, a little after midnight.

another year without getting my dream present: a trap door for solicitors

Me: [gets a hippopotamus for Christmas] My cat (staring at his litter box): wtaf

The average person eats 25 marshmallows in their sleep per hour

The average person eats 50 secrets in their sleep per minute

sorry for the foul language. im a parent so saying "what the fuck" is really just second nature at this point

a wise man once said: her me out

one of those hugs might fix me

Seems like low-hanging fruit that there isn’t a candle company called “John Wick.”

bad news. it’s actually pretty nice having clothes put away instead of in a pile

Someone shrieked an office chair was killing them. There wasn’t even a sign of a struggle when I peeked over my cubicle.

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

Therapist: I think we’re having a break-through. Kool-Aid Man: Oh yeah

you lost me at figgy but brought me right back with pudding

As soon as the tide comes back in it's over for you beaches.

Happy “Unsubscribe” to Black Friday deal emails, to all who celebrate!

my cat does not take my threats to sit on her very seriously

that’s nice, seafood is expensive

My party trick is not showing up

You can use your thanksgiving leftovers as pizza toppings and literally no one can stop you

time to go plant the turkey

unlike SOME people, i don’t subskeet

carving turkeys is really difficult when they wriggle so much

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

“My name is Inigo Monturkey. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

On days like these, don't you just want to drench yourself in butter, roll around in flour, and bake at 350° sometimes?

Anyone want to try my Thanksgiving leftovers smoothie tomorrow?

(surreptitiously passing myself off as American today for some free turkey)

My favorite childhood toy was a plug socket. Perhaps that’s why I don’t recall much of my childhood.

I'd let you fluff my pillow.

draw me like one of your conclusions

Fire Marshal: "There are too many kung fu fighters in here"

One time I slipped and fell on an acorn so I told all my friends they couldn’t like acorns anymore

Technically not me, but this is me.

Are you guys drunk enough yet to find me funny or should I come back later?

I keep seeing accounts who call themselves “mattress actress” and I’m like how much talent does it take to act like a mattress?

“Not one word, Barbara.”

The squirrels will tell my story.

My cat just threw up from eating too much food. So of course, she has to go and eat more food.

be a dear and bring me my favorite crazy straw and a bottle of bourbon, won't you?

coffee so strong i need a surge protector for my central nervous system

who up making false promises to themselves tomorrow morning

Instead of building a ship in a bottle I took a bottle on a ship. Now there’s a man overboard and I’ve been banned from Carnival Cruises for life.

I don’t care what they say, chocolate cake should be FSA eligible.