Me: we need to go to sleep Brain: let's reflect on the last 10 years of your life

No, no, I don’t need any new Halloween decor. Wait, is that ghost wearing glasses?

what kind of gentleman are you im an indulgent

I like how the solution for signing online forms is typing your name, but in a cursive font.

Him: can I tell you a dirty secret? I don’t have any tattoos Me: so basically I wear the pants here, got it

I'm just leaving the rapture decorations up for the next one.

Rapture or kohls cash? Rapture or kohls cash???

they gave shoes a tongue so you have something to kiss when you finally find your solemate

Do not text me “wyd” unless you want to know in excruciating detail what exactly it is I’m doing

pants is short for punk-ass ants

Good morning only to The Rapture.

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

i am now the proud owner of an @lisabug.bsky.social original

[first day of work] me: so, when do i get to kick one? boss: we don't actually- me: how about that one? that one looks like kind of an asshole

Being an introvert who always orders the fajitas is tough

Tell me truly, I implore! Is there anything at this store From foreign lands Or within these shores That e’er again I might afford? Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”

@eanagel.bsky.social ❤️

when a group of shitposters hang out irl it’s a pooarty

I'd go to bed right now but my heart is in san francisco

Wife: I don’t know if I want to watch that movie. Do any animals die? Me: No, but some people die. Wife: That won’t bother me.

Getting older means growing hair in weird places. Like, just last week, I spontaneously sprouted mutton chops at a truck stop in Des Moines.

I sometimes mix up butterscotch and caramel so what fight me

“I need to speak to a supervisor!!” “Please lower your voice, ma’am.” “Are you in charge here?!?” “Yes, I’m the branch manager.”

TOP 10 BEST BEANS: 10. kidney beans 9. pinto beans 8. beans on toast 7. refried beans 6. Mister Bean 5. cool beans 4. Bean Caught Stealing (Jane's Addiction only) 3. jelly beans 2. coffee beans 1. toe beans (cats only)

decisions, decisions

The devil finds work for idle hands. Welcome to Satan’s Staffing & Temp Agency.

My son mentioned that I have developed a double chin, which isn’t great news to hear, but thankfully he told me to “keep my chins up” as he walked into school today

My work here is don’t.

i barely touched one and it moaned

not gonna do it not gonna do it not gonna do it *looks up*

I have no idea what they do in there, but I’m sure it’s fabulous.

“I have received word. Gather the council.”

I think I now understand why rhinos are going extinct.

brush up on your British history

I’m with me 100 percent.

kevin is now a local weatherman

Remember when we used to say 'anal retentive' instead of OCD? Haha, good times. Anyway your fly's open

That used to be a person’s parking spot, now it’s the people’s.

me: i didn't get the job wife: why not? me: something about my eyesight wife: what EXACTLY did they say? me: that i needed “adult supervision”

Find someone that loves you the way the lady next to me loves Chanel No. 5 … so much you can taste it

♫ ROOOOOOXANNE

When all else fails why shouldn’t you?

yeah mister, that's nacho cheese

*approaches woman in club* Me: Would you like to dance? Her: Sure. Me: While you're dancing can I sit in your chair? I'm really tired.

(me, feverishly focused on the task at hand) window seat guy: so you're for real clipping your toenails then

“Can you please look again? The tracking said it was out for delivery.”

“Okay, try it now.”

Is this wallowing hole taken?

You can never leave Costco with just one of anything.

Defiantly drinking the koolaid whilst staring down my own reflection.