"anti-ice" and it's just salt for the sidewalks

Every time Trump speaks publicly an angel moves to Canada

She lit up every room she walked into* *until she was arrested for arson

Only Fans but it's Only Cans and it's just me taking pictures of random trashcans. Headline "look at my junk filled trunks." My name will be Nasty Girl.

Fuck Tylenol, microdose THC gummies during the workday like an adult

Hear me out… a rapture, but just for people who traveled to the memorial/rally.

damn,now every one knows how I got my Super Powers (Tylenol does not cause autism)

Fact:

my house is at the intersection of trauma and dark humor

What time are we all meeting up to go to the rapture tomorrow?

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One of my favorite fun facts is why the TMNT are named after artists (it’s because the type of turtle they are is a “painted turtle”). I told my nephew about this and he immediately replied that there should be a Bob Ross turtle. So rather than explain the renaissance movement to him, I-

subtly downgrade a band Thallium Zeppelin

*enters an MMA tournament listing my primary discipline as feng shui*

*mutes the word rapture because I’m not getting my hopes up again*

*clean energy salesperson at the grocery store trying to accost me* Hey, you want a free $50 store card to help with your shopping? me, in a trench coat: Nah I just steal everything, but thanks. lolz

Technologically advance a band: Ned’s Atomic Trash Compactor

My favorite part in Alien is when Ripley sees the alien and screams “oh no! An alien!” and the alien tells her “from my perspective, you're the alien”

Who else has a meme saved to their camera roll and is waiting for the PERFECT moment to use it?

Oh yeah? Rapture this! *points to my butt

I really thought I was gonna have to stop, drop and roll more in my life.

Slipping into something a little more comfortable (An early grave)

Technologically advance a band: Ultra High Deftones

Reverse cowgirl, so I can unfuck myself

I hope Mickey mouse gets fired. I've always hated that simp

Drunk me is like sober me but with a snort-cackle laugh instead of something cute

A little bush is okay but "Macy Gray in a head scissors" is a bridge too far

Coincidence or not Every time the Epstein file talk gets hot someone ends up dead

quiet is addictive

B-sky balls when your crush doesn’t rs you anymore. So you rs yourself to sleep weeping into your gigantic pillow.

Sure, I'm half dead, but it's mostly parts I wasn't using.

pulling on the push door of life

if you're waiting for a ride at the airport, you can stand under the Lufthansa sign even if you flew in on Spirit, they don't check or anything

I want friends, but I'm afraid they will try to talk to me.

If naps had a taste, it would probably taste like pizza.

I stopped drinking alcohol for a wk and here’s what I noticed…. I Don’t Move Like Jagger

Gonna take an edible and come back as an inspirational account

It’s Talk Like a Pirate Day, so: The USA is a dictatarrrrrrrrrrship

You can never leave Costco with just one of anything.

no pain au chocolat, no gain au chocolat

A Ferris wheel reminds me of life, round and round, ups and downs… and occasionally wondering why you paid for this chaos 🎡😂

Despite the look on my face yet you’re still talking🙄

the richest thing you can have is peace

things labeled "foolproof" hate to see me coming

if weed won't solve the problem ignoring it sure will

You say cold embrace of death like it's a bad thing

God complex? Please, like that fucker knows anything