My wife gave the Christmas carolers her very special marijuana eggnog. When they began to leave, the carolers suddenly turned into a progressive jazz band. —Silent Night got weird.

When you're a child, you want to be a teenager. When you're a teenager, you want to be an adult. When you're an adult, you want to be a Roomba: wandering around aimlessly, bumping into stuff, taking naps when you’re overwhelmed, and everyone’s just impressed you tried.

Therapy was a blast again! Halloween special 🦋🖤🧡

One day you’re doing blow off a Requiem for a dream dvd case, then you blink and find yourself pruning tomatoes and identifying bird calls

Bit bored. I might pop out to let off some fireworks. Then I’ll start a post on my local Facebook page accusing my neighbour. That’ll teach her for judging my overflowing recycling bin. I like wine, Karen, deal with it.

It must be hard for people born with six fingers, knowing that AI now has everyone believing that they’re not real.

My local cemetery does pick your own Halloween decorations

today a patient said, "another doctor told me I have the bones of a 35 year old." and I said, "well, you should probably give them back." Can I celebrate Father's Day now?

RIGHT NOW SATAN Ma’am this is a Wendy’s

I just felt a small, but genuine thrill when noticing we’d finally finished the awful lemon-scented hand soap in the kitchen, and it had been replaced with my favorite cherry blossom soap. It would seem that I have a favorite hand soap. Such is the rock and roll lifestyle I lead.

Cocaine so white it gentrifies a whole country

This is why they don't let me sit near the emergency doors now

I shot a Halloween porn. It’s called Night of the Giving Head

I'm going to get my septum pierced so conservative men stay the fuck away from me

Carrot sticks are just noisy spoons for ranch dressing.

Okay, sure “distracted driving” but this vagina isn’t gonna finger itself.

I violated the hole in my Swiss cheese with a pickle. I’d do it again.

Captain Mittens was stumped. How would she ask for permission to take off?

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but: -it’s ok to not be someone’s type, it doesn’t diminish your value -you can be friends with people you don’t want to fuck -you can be friends with people who don’t want to fuck you

FFS, man! 😂

Killer: Drink this cyanide. Me: But Halloween is just a few weeks away! Killer: *sigh* Drink this pumpkin spice cyanide

the tranquility of a sunday afternoon, a breeze gently rustling through the trees, birds chirping, the odd cars driving past that resemble the sound of ocean waves and in the distance, a solitary man roaring at the panthers game on tv like he's being operated on minus the anaesthesia

Age yourself with a film you saw in the cinema as a kid.

Oh good, you're still here

Change a movie by adding a word Full Metal Denim Jacket

Change a movie entirely by adding a word Porn Star Wars

Subtly downgrade a band The Shirley Temple Pilots

Yeah, he's been a pain in Emery's arse! #UTV #AVFC 💜💙

I need someone to invent an app like Signal. But instead of cheating on your partner, you get to cheat on your diet with no consequences!

I’m gonna be pissed if the joke I have in reserve for when it happens doesn’t go viral

I can tumble out of bed & I can stumble into the kitchen but expecting me to pour a cup of ambition is a bridge to far

I know that the voices in my head aren't real, but they sure come up with some great posts.

The Conservative Hitchhiker's Guide to Shifting Blame to the Liberal Galaxy

Anyone out there looking for an internet friend to connect with and send all your money

oh last night i had a dream that included harry styles living in my building, me having a cat, and finding a very 22 outfit in a thirft store

If only there was a cure for being a cunt.

"anti-ice" and it's just salt for the sidewalks

Every time Trump speaks publicly an angel moves to Canada

She lit up every room she walked into* *until she was arrested for arson

Only Fans but it's Only Cans and it's just me taking pictures of random trashcans. Headline "look at my junk filled trunks." My name will be Nasty Girl.

Fuck Tylenol, microdose THC gummies during the workday like an adult

Hear me out… a rapture, but just for people who traveled to the memorial/rally.

damn,now every one knows how I got my Super Powers (Tylenol does not cause autism)

Fact:

my house is at the intersection of trauma and dark humor