It’s not a block, it’s the end of this journey together

This how I wanna be on valentine's day

22 y.o. boy child: Where's the 2 inches i was promised?? I deserve my 2 inches!! He gets his humor from me.

No love song about you would be complete without a mid-2000s-esque rap bridge which deals solely with spontaneous anal sex

Wow it’s almost 7 PM so good night everybody

If you don't like my thigh, just say that

Quote post a gif with a clue of where you're from

I would love to know the psychology behind the "Oh, this person clearly hates a thing, let me reply with that very thing."

I saw a post in all caps saying "RELEASE THE EPSTEIN FILES NOW." If that doesn't do it, nothing will.

That one guy whining about the sustainability of BlueSky is making lots of silly assumptions about what I'm here to do. I'm here another social media site die and wear it's skull on a necklace like a trophy.

GUYS! GUYS! *farts* DID YOU HEAR WHAT THAT ASSHOLE JUST SAID TO Y'ALL?!?

I've been personally victimized by try not to laugh videos

Actually, Megan. I can't sit anywhere. I have hemorrhoids.

You know what? I'm about to say it. I don't care that you broke your elbow.

mmm you smell clean, let's do something about that

No digitty. All dope.

I'm gonna shove the 10 commandments up your ass

someone must have opened up a pretty fucked up fortune cookie to bring us all to this point

Sometimes I like to just lay in bed for four or five weeks, and just really let the dread take hold in my soul.

me: I don't think I can choose before I know whether the pink goo in those tanks is strawberry flavor or bubblegum morpheus: *puts the two pills back in his pocket and leaves*

That was funny, but was it "repost a joke with a photo of the orange abscess" funny?

Kids these days don't hack into the government systems and accidently trigger Global Thermonuclear War like they used to, and it's just sad

I’ve taken multivitamins daily for a couple of weeks, so why am I still like this?

You know what? I didn't want to reply to your post anyway, internet stranger. *ⁱ ᵗᵒᵗᵃˡˡʸ ᵈⁱᵈ*

Sometimes it’s a good idea to step back and ask yourself whether you’re arguing with someone’s political position or their personality disorder

People will post "I need a Tylenol" and get like 500 reskeets, while we're out here busting our asses with these jokes EVERY DAY for like 8 likes because we do it for love of the game and also probably mental illness

good shitposting is all about your state of mind (unwell)

Doc Martens implies the existence of patient Martens

The 82 y.o. likes to carry both of his hearing aids in one hand. Meanwhile, I'm over here dying due to my extra sensitive ears

Bitter? I wasn't anywhere near her!

Do I look like a linebacker from the back? Yes Does my husband still enjoy hitting it from the back? Also yes Is my husband gay? ...

What is your one and done movie? Mine is Requiem for a Dream. It was a great movie. Very well done. Beautiful cinematography. So heartbreaking and visceral.

Give a man a fish, and that fish is his fucking problem now. Have fun with your new fish jackass!

“Have you seen ‘Eddington?” “Is that the one with the bear?”

Nice word salad, bro. P.S. they're just song lyrics, you absolute potato.

My mother has been living with us since June. She's conservative in a house full of liberal leftists. Hilarity ensues

[staring at engine in neighbors garage] Neighbor: Maybe it's the alternator Me: maybe it's just the spark plugs Neighbor: Maybe we should touch our wieners together Me: can't hurt

Objective: Be more patient with people. Obstacle: People.

We aren’t the land of the free. We’re the land of freedom with terms and conditions.

“Becky, what did you do today online?” Oh nuffin’, just threatened to twist off the mens pickles ‘n eggs.

“Oops! All Berries” you did that shit on purpose stop lying

Apparently, "a warm hole" wasn't the correct answer when asked what I'm bringing to the church potluck.

“small account this” “big account that” all of our accounts are the same size actually because they are digital and do not exist in the physical universe we occupy

(Clears throat) “Effective immediately, Iceland shall be referred to as Greenland and Greenland shall be referred to as Iceland. Thank you for your attention to this matter.”

Look. Sometimes I just don't like to show my face, but I'm still the internet's favorite sweetheart.

8-12 inches is too much. Do not want.

haven’t been this tired since that one origami incident back in 98