My FBI handler just called and said my girlfriend and I are, “really, really gross.”

[sting] okay roxanne baby rents getting expensive time to turn on that red light

How did username: thiccdick get past my block finger?

I'm just like any other attention whore on the internet. I put my tits out one at a time.

The realtor has asked me to kindly stop saying "This is not my beautiful house!" every time we looked at a new listing.

Guys. I just invented a jump to conclusions mat. Never been done before. I'm gonna make millions! (if you try to argue with me in my replies, you are stoopid)

How are y’all still surprised when every dude on the internet turns out to be a scumbag?

Explain a film plot badly: Guy makes offers people can't refuse and then he dies eating an orange while scaring the shit out of a little kid.

Listen that was a long time ago when I was a young and impressionable 43 year old

I'll randomly come back to this app just to fuck up people's posts, because I'm a giver

stick a fork in me, im a toaster

I don't have a film. I just wanted to be able to reply 💙

Once upon a time, there was an evil witch who ate all of your Halloween candy (kids crying) ...it wasn't me...

Emasculate a man by holding a door open for him today and saying “there you go, princess”

If you’re going to be depressed, please do it during work hours so you can get paid to cry. Let’s not give in to capitalism, not even a little bit.

*checks notes* Yup, Texans, as a whole, are very stupid. I'd really love to be able to move to a state whose people don't consistently vote against their own interests, but sadly, the states that prioritize education and not cronyism are above my price range.

An Ap..ple ..A Day ... Keeps The ..Doc..tor Away! I pant as I launch a Granny Smith into each of their smug PhD faces at graduation

i wish you were here *points to casket*

I really want to know if the authors have actually done butt stuff, because here's a typical excerpt: "She thought to herself, 'I've never seen such a huge, throbbing member, and he wants to put it where?

happy no nut november to all who celibate

Never considered myself an outlier until I realized that, according to kindle authors, every woman enjoys taking it up the ass

Saaaay Cheesie!!! Happy Hallowiener

One time I was just minding my own business, dancing on the hood of my car, & someone poured some sugar on me. It got in my eye & it hurt!

Loading up on carbs because unlike you, some of us have to work tonight (wrestling evil spirits and throwing them back into hell)

My two wolves are named anxiety and depression and they invited their cousin perimenopause to stay for a while

[serious voice after clearing throat] i need to be more fun

My proudest moment was making my husband realize that there are no ethical ways to become a billionaire. And I guess having our kids was a close second.

ICE but for making the wealthy explain themselves

Dr: You need to quit drinking me: like on weekends Dr: No, everyday me: weekdays Dr: Everyday me: what days Dr: Every me: please be more specific

would’ve been cool if prenatal tests back when my wife was pregnant could predict if your kid would be interested in ventriloquism as a career

don't judge a man 'til you've walked a mile in his shoes all the way to the courthouse where you put on a black robe and get your gavel and tell the bailiff to bring in the next defendant and hear their testimony and make a decision by fairly interpreting and applying the law and

I hate when quality sarcasm is wasted on the stupid.

An app that blocks all news stories.

Florence + The Machine: the dog days are over Me, pulling out a gun: wtf did you say

Got smut shamed for reading romance by the 82 y.o. 😒

i'm in a fairly bad mood. but when i slow down, take a breath, and think about all of you here, that's all it takes to get me in the worst mood i've had in several years.

Guess I'm stuck here

I just blocked someone who was a minor inconvenience, and honestly, idk how I never did it before. Why was i so accommodating?

Anyone remember Solar Babies? I probably watched that movie a hundred times, but can't for the life of me remember the plot.

Where should my mom take us to eat for dinner...aaaaand go

You don’t have to burn the bridge, just stop rebuilding it.

GUY WHO DIDNT WASH HIS HANDS AFTER HE PEED: let me tell you my opinions on politics

Getting paid $500 a week to let an 82 y.o. get sassy with me on a daily basis 😒

*inquisitions you in spanish 🤔*

The dream I had about a guy I went to school with would qualify me for hysterics therapy and possibly a lobotomy in ye olden days

Freestyle Friday up in this bitch. Man, I miss 18 year old Blinky youtu.be/kVipDwHE8Ho?...

Reverse cowgirl, so she just has to fake the noises and not the O face.

doing what in your where now?

I lost by best friend of 25 years in 2021 to covid. Today would have been her 47th birthday. I love you and miss you, my Lili 💙

"Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out.." -first taxidermist