"Lets go knock one out before bed" he says, seductively. After 26 years together, it's good to know that the romance is still alive.

Shout out to people who are still able to get horny given the current state of the world.

Try to be quieter while I’m reading my slutty little novel.

Create a weight loss plan for me. Wrong answers only.

What’s your one goal for 2026

2025 was such a shit year, I didn't even give my usual speech about not sticking things up your ass without a flared base.

Damn, boy. Are you a sloth? Cuz you're really slow and dumb, but I still kinda want to cuddle you.

Damn, boy. Are you a pineapple? Because you’re kind of a prick on the outside but really sweet on the inside

I've said it be FOUR BUTT I'll say it again...

top 5 best holes 5. plot hole 4. black hole 3. loophole 2. gloryhole 1. yo mama honorable mention holes (1998 novel)

By the smell of things, maybe 2026 will be y'alls year

Hey chat, How do I convince my husband to allow me to have a boyfriend who is also his boyfriend?

Is it hot in here or is it just me(nopause)?

Whew glad I made your feed today.

if you're thirsty, they're thirsty. water your electronics

It amazes me how few people knew what frotting was prior to watching Heated Rivalry, but I guess we couldn't all be on Twitter in it's heyday.

[2 seconds after logging on] ok what the fuck

Damn, boy? Are you ChatGPT? Because everybody tells me I’m an idiot for talking to you but I can’t stop

For anyone who missed me, I'm still here, being a piece of shit

Mom tried to cut off the tip of her thumb while preparing the greens, and the mister grabbed the handle of cast iron fresh out of the oven... 2026 is definitely our year

I take solace in the fact that nobody on BSKY has seen my pecker.

Just binge watched Heated Rivalry. Who's gonna buy me season tickets for the Texas Stars?

I’m sorry I got weird but in my defense, I’m weird.

The nation is divided, but there’s one thing that still brings us together every holiday season: a nice cold glass of eggnog.

Not now babe, I’m working really hard on making 8 people laugh

in honor of America, all the names on presents this year have officially been redacted and you’re stuck with whatever random shit you get

Future ex stepdad just got hacked for the second time in the span of a month. I'm not saying there's a correlation between being a trump supporter and being gullible, but I'm not NOT saying it.

Did you know that 4 out of 5 statistics are made up?

not bothering to find out anything before posting is the backbone of any good social media account

I wish I had a pinky nail's worth of self confidence some of y'all have

The moment I realized salary jobs almost never drug test while hourly jobs do, I saw the jig.

I randomly yell "BUM STIGGIDY BUM STIGGIDY BUM HUN", and whoever responds is officially part of my tribe

I'm just a girl Standing in front of 2 boys Waiting for them to dry dock

Sorry I was gone for a couple days. Forgot how to use the app shit like that. Just happens all the time.

My favorite thing to do this time of year is to find someone dressed up like an elf and scream STOLEN VALOR at them

What made you follow me? Was is the dick or fart joke?

Ok, so the new update converts my downloaded gifs into short videos, but a win is a win

Quarterly check in

I like to signal to the youth that I'm not out of touch by using phrases like sixty-seven and skinbibi ohio

My bitchitis is flaring up again

fuck me in the non-fiction section so I know it's real

Hey Google How do you stop an 82 y.o. from trying to cop a feel?

14 years ago I was diagnosed with small cell neuroendocrine carcinoma of the cervix. 9 years ago I went to my 5 year follow up, and my gyn/onc told me I was pink and perfect. I've been living off that high ever since

You people will literally post anything.

drumming has a bunch of made up words and phrases like "paradiddle flam" and i think that's beautiful

men who moan while they eat pussy go to heaven

me: (eyes narrowingly) it's not a trap when the phone tells you what subscriptions you're paying for is it

I don't care what she says, if all you get her for Christmas is you, she's going to be pissed