And do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? To cherish and to honor; to regularly wear the scents of her holes on your fingers?

i farted thru my peenus

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

Ok I’m ready. I’m ready for the sex girls. The fine fine super special real sex girls.

So no two snowflakes are alike. Big deal. Same is true for ball sacks. But you won’t see that in a hallmark card.

“Audiences continue to cherish it brilliance” is a glowing, bright AI thumbprint

1988 was a very busy year for me, what with all that pouring sugar on all the ladies I knew

filing for political asylum at the roku city embassy

Still insanely happy that my name is forever linked to this album’s production and ridiculously proud of Leticia Wolf (now Mahaffey) for creating all these songs with which I’m still very much in love. This one in particular. music.apple.com/us/album/und...

Did you just ask me whether I’m “up to the task?” I’ve got news for you, chief. I’m never up to the task. 99% of everything I do is because I have to, not because I want to. What kind of fairytale Pollyanna fucking world do you live in?

These new super light weight car seats are making it much much easier for young parents who want to do a quick swap for a cuter baby.

Looking for pictures of pussy on the timeline makes you a post hole digger

Shit got too many followers time to break out the gross tweets

Of course I predicted the tiramisu. Look at how fucking old I am

Hi, which of the Four Horsemen are you? I'm Pants.

OK, that’s it. Fuck it. It’s chili time.

You mean, you guys actually hit play on those videos where somebody’s in their car with a sanctimonious smirk on their face looking like they’re about to unleash the most uninformed rant possible

𝘛𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘓𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘞𝘢𝘺 𝘏𝘰𝘮𝘦 is my favorite song about a GPS set to avoid tolls.

Got a letter in the mail mail

May I interest you in a handjob?

*feeding you mac & cheese with a spoon* I know something else we can do that makes this sound

In 1988 I was driving a 77 Oldsmobile cutlass that I bought for $300. College girl ran it out of oil, threw a rod, broke a piston shaft. So I pulled the engine, got the crank turned, got a junkyard cam, put in new bearings, rods, lifters on the bad cylinder, and put a Def Leppard tape in the stereo.

Me (to zookeeper): when are they gonna FUCK?

Protesting by eating one too many donuts in one sitting

Only fans but instead of photos, you just come over to my place and we have sex. No wait a minute that’s prostitution never mind abort tweet

Best I can do is nine dollars

Whenever some new HR director introduces themselves at a work meeting and does that “let’s go around the room and everyone tell us an interesting fact about yourself” thing I tell them, “the girl I lost my virginity to went to prison for murdering her third husband with a shotgun.”

My son asked why they chose 88 mph as the speed for traveling time in 𝘉𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘛𝘰 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘍𝘶𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦 and I told him it’s because no car could go over 63 mph back in 1985. I wonder how long he’s going to think that’s correct.

Somebody please tell Cyndi Lauper‘s agent that she is now my mom

Rock and roll Coochie poo

Hey Chat, what’s the french for cat.

People who abbreviate album titles in the comments of a Facebook post about a defunct band by turning them into acronyms are not saving themselves any typing because people are eventually going to ask them what the fuck TPACOH means.

wtf man I only know three

Imagine your embarrassment when the rapture happens and the ass you’re eating shoots up into the sky to meet The Lord

Beer is better with tt’s it makes sense, please clap

I Pooped My Pants In Ulta - A Memoir

Pretty shitty that I don't get the attention I so richly deserve now that my mental health won't allow me to post hole.

It was as rare as an app update actually fixing a problem you’ve had with it

Unfortunately I do like my men a little dumb

When people start telling you the shoe is on the other foot, just move to the beach on hedonism island and walk around barefoot with your tiny, flaccid penis covered in sunscreen

She was perfect for it

I don’t even watch TV. I watch guys on YouTube take a car that’s been sitting around for 40 years and get it running with nothing but a screwdriver and a can of gas.

I’ve officially reached Ozzy Osbourne levels of “what the fuck is that beeping?”

That’s Julia Bullock of The Foxies and The Dead Deads at The Annex in Madison Wisconsin, pre-show, earlier this year, modeling her new garb for my smarty pants phone. I uploaded this to tenor a few months ago and now it’s finally a friggin GIF.

From now on this is an edgy account write that down

Maybe I’ll sleep when my baby graduates from high school

One Cool Trick To Get Out Of Meetings (shitting yourself)

Feel free to drill a hole in my skull and suck whatever you want out of there with one of those thick bubble tea straws.