Some of you can still party like a rock star* *the 75-year-old lead singer of the group Air Supply

Alternate headline: Anti-Christ upset for being called out for being unchristian.

sorry if this is controversial but i prefer when things are good instead of when they are bad

From a post: “Told my wife to have dinner ready by 6 or I'll obliterate her entire civilization. So anyway, she now charges me a fee to use the bathroom that used to be free, and I didn't get any dinner, but I'm pretty sure I won that exchange.”

When the White House uses the phrases "too woke" or "woke," just global replace them with "not racist enough."

public is just pubic with an example of what not to do

Organs and body ailments are yelling at me on FB reels.😢

That's so TACO.

I have quite the collection of "Come and Take It" flags. All free.

Reverse moongirl so I can see that dark side

This is the first website built entirely on the purity of the user's soul. I'm having no trouble accessing it. If you are then you must look within

what if jesus was trying to show us we could hibernate like bears

Good thing it wasn't a dingo.

I feel like a real man on my motorcycle until I hit speed bumps, then I feel like a chick doing Equestrian.

👱‍♀️: "Hi I'm Karen" 😳: " I'll get the manager."

Watching Michael Jackson Movie like:

🎶HONEYCOMB BIG🎶 I mean, kinda? For cereal, anyway. 🎶IT’S NOT SMALL🎶 Again, if we’re speaking relatively.

Adds “order this shirt” to my to-do list 😎

Remember when Fletcher Loyer banged Stifler's Mom.

Oh to be a dashboard duck in a jeep

i’m an engineer, of course i put hot water in my mug and forget to dump it before adding coffee

Oh no!🤭

"The Land" that's stupid. "The Cleve" is way better. Who's the Cleveland dummy that came up with that?

she shoulda just let jolene have him tbh

It's the end of the world as we know it and I don't feel fine at all.

The government doesn't want you to know about this

It's the weekend! Think I'll treat myself to some toothpaste or some canned goods. Maybe I'll really go crazy and buy a tank of gas!

Yeah babe I love the way your juices are flowing. Oh fuck yeah. Pussy flowing like a toilet that won’t stop. Oh yeah. Still flowing. Mmmm yeah, flowing like a toilet that needs that uh…little flap replaced in the reservoir. I’m sorry, can we stop ? I need to go to the hardware store.

I'm streaming music as I stream NCAA basketball as I stream beer into muh mouth!

Me: It's a series of tractor races held all over the world. Call it Farmula 1 ESPN execs: Get out!

I took Gymkata for self-defense but I was still getting my ass kicked because there was never a pommel horse or wood rings around during confrontations.

CHiPs would have been better if they shared a motorcycle.

The Iran War just doubled the casualties of January 6 Riot.

I thought he was sizing up his next old man opponent.

One of my favorite compliments is when a customer says, “you’ve been a doll.” Instant smile. Like a creepy antique doll whose eyes follow you & wakes you in the night? Cool.

I found a builder who advertises, 'No job too small!' So I've got him tiling the bathroom in my daughter's dollhouse.

I hate when I go to the trouble of cleaning because someone is coming over, and then when they cancel I'm just stuck with a clean apartment.

I typed in "villain's assistant" into an AI and hit generate.

This was the White House's war plan: Day #1 : Bomb Day #2: Iran becomes a white Christian nationalist country Day #3: Free gas Day 4: Kid Rock concert/UFC fight broadcast from Tehran So far, things are a bit off track

if i had a stun gun i wouldn’t tell anyone so when i stunned them they’d be super stunned

who called it an american express credit card statement instead of an ae iou

New slogan: "Florsheim, they make you lean"//

if you see me quoting Wham! songs, no you didn’t. that was so last christmas

I used to eat what I want, drink constantly, never work out and still stay in great shape. And now that I'm older, I think 3 out of 4 ain't bad.

ME: [Preparing to make a cocktail] HER: What are you doing, the doctor just told you to be healthier and eat more greens. ME: Fine... [Reluctantly makes a Midori Sour] DOCTOR: Still not what I meant.

Hmm, yesterday I had an extra hour and this morning it was gone. Not sure who's responsible but I'm firing the maid.

CVS always calls and texts two days before pickup so they can start printing the receipt.

Randy Newman: *nods approvingly*

Are we allowed to get the rest of the Epstein files now?