Imagine hating me and I'm just over here wondering if I should make cheesecake tomorrow

“the president seems to be using the doj to hide his years of involvement with the most notorious child sex trafficking ring in world history” feels like a story worth reporting on

here it’s not doomscrolling it’s a cringe binge

I hate Boxing Day. Too violent.

Dear Dems running for office: If part of your platform does not include aggressively prosecuting Stephen Miller in particular, DO NOT RUN.

I’ve already redeemed all of my sex coupons. Next years holiday season can’t get here fast enough

Happy Boxing Day, everybody! Good luck breaking down all those boxes!

Shout out to everyone wearing new socks today.

get in loser, we have more regrets to make before the year is out

Look, I'm sure that Nolan's adaptation of "The Odyssey" will be fun, but I highly doubt it will be as good as the original.

Kids got me a t-shirt that says, “Probably One of the Top 25 Dads in the Neighborhood.”

If you were bad this year, your stocking was stuffed with coal. If you were REALLY bad, it was stuffed with something from Kohl's.

I have an audible notification that sounds like an NBA home team missing a free throw("aww") for when you send a skeet on Bluesky.

We condemn the scandalous US visa ban on former EU Commisioner Breton and digital activists. Protecting democracy isn’t censorship. ✋🏼 Disinformation isn’t free speech. Europe won’t take lessons from those undermining democracy and free speech. Here in Europe we set our own laws. 🇪🇺✊🏼

don’t worry, kids, i’m tracking santa that son-of-a-bitch won’t get away with it on my watch

Seen enough about Temu Fred Savage. Get the man some help already.

I cancelled and they offered 2 months at $.99/mo so I took it and set myself a reminder to cancel. I'm still sticking it to the man though.

Since I’m getting “what did I miss” from alot, Paramount Plus, owner of CBS spiked the El Salvador CECOT prison story yesterday on 60 minutes because it made the White House look bad. Cancel paramount plus Censorship. Bari Weiss

Escalate any disagreement by saying “here we go” whenever someone starts talking

Santa Claus is gay. He's in the "Santa Clauset"

was it Yosemite Sam

tinder 2025 wrapped: you’re a whore

Sesame Street taught me to count to twelve, but in the most dramatic way possible

They booked a bunch of 14 year old models to come to a Mar A Lago party, told them to dress sexy and tried to ply them with alcohol.

it was probably a mistake teaching him to read

Happy Epstein Files Release Eve, for those that celebrate.

Worst infomercial ever!

A president "pardoning" a turkey on Thanksgiving is a long tradition, though this is the first time the turkey was found to have donated 10 million dollars to the White House Ballroom.

I know I would never cheat on a girlfriend, but a lot of this confidence stems from my inability to imagine two women liking me at the same time.

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers! Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do? Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas. Dorothy: ...What else you got?

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if you're ever eventually connected with one.

Look, I have my doubts about how pretty the Paradise City girls really are when your first selling point was to brag about the greenness of the grass.

ME: I spent a summer in Paris studying French. HER: Oh, cool, how did it go? ME: No bueno...

When dining alone, it's always a little sad when they quickly take away the place setting of the other seat. Maybe I wanted to dine with the ghost of a dead relative, you don't know.

A clean paper plate? Sure, "Your Majesty."

The Soulless Train

Wemby back in the lab 👽 🏆 Spurs-Thunder | Saturday at 9pm/et | Prime

[talking to someone from a country where the president isn't a stupid batshit crazy racist fascist with dementia] "So, what's that like?"

yo, this food cake slaps! how many angels did you say were in this?

please doctor, my sauce. it’s very weak

*Listening to Tesla as I cut off a Tesla* "🎶Love is gonna find a way🎶, Mother Fucker"

breakfast is the most important meal of the day so of course I serve alcohol

I slept in my Pearl Jam shirt and woke up with an Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town.

Slept in my Primitive Radio Gods shirt and woke up Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand.

Men don’t know how to talk to women anymore and I love that for us

You will be visited by three spirits.

Nice try, "Straight Siberian Orchestra"

"She said she repeatedly told the agents she’s a U.S. citizen. “I just kept repeating it — I’m a U.S.-born citizen. I was born and raised here. This is my home. My baby’s waiting for me...” She screamed “Leave me alone...” www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news...