I put baby oil on my screen so I can skeet faster.

Ice Agents grabbing lunch or dinner must be ingesting so much spit and other DNA from the servers that hate them.

Reinstating Disney+? In this economy?

I'm still waiting for all these assholes to get raptured.

It’s me, I once again put the package in the trash when I still needed the instructions

Just 2 gun rights advocates sitting behind a wall of bulletproof glass while enjoying a memorial for a gun rights advocate who got murdered by a gun.

The State Farm ad guys are on the sidelines fighting.

If someone ever told me to shut up I’d be like: OMG, someone was listening?

Can we change BREAKING NEWS to HEART BREAKING NEWS already?

They put their plan in writing, and dummies still voted for them. #Project2025

I'm looking forward to the Neutered Version of 60 Minutes.✂️🌰

so, what you’re telling me is that the bad guys are bad guys

*shakes phone* y’all up?

Errbody on the club canceling Disney+

Me: "May I get two scoops of cookie dough?" Waiter: "Of course- do you wanna spoon?" Me: "Sure, what time do you get off?"

I farted in an audio message for you Please respond

my dog just ate a stink bug and i am here to tell that he did not enjoy the Flavor Blast

When I used to say this, ppl didn’t pay any attention. Carlin said it before I did but many in the audience took it as a joke…it never was. youtu.be/C_FQZUSy1Vg

Schiff: That claim was, I think, the most astounding: according to Kash Patel, the Epstein list has only one name on it — Jeffrey Epstein. We now have someone incompetent running the FBI.

When I find a good parking spot, I say, "Oooo a Costanza," and my kids are like, is dad having a stroke?

Goodbye, Disney+!

The mother from "Carrie" in Trump's head repeating "They're all going to laugh at you"

"Russia, if you're listening, I hope you're able to find the 30,000 pedophile files that are missing, I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press,"

"WikiLeaks" but for Epstein Files.

Happy thank fuck it’s Friday to all those who celebrate.

You didn't know those Teletubbie suits were actually hazmat gear, did you? Welcome to the apocalypse. Tinky Winky will get you sorted.

I just ate a ton of beet chips for the bathroom jump scare later.

today’s youth will never understand the hold movie soundtracks had over us all before streaming became a thing

I once followed someone for 12 miles to get my thank you wave when I let them merge in traffic.

i don’t drink caffeine so i’m allowed to smoke all the weed i want. i have a doctor’s note

*slaps you with a cheeseburger* HAPPY CHEESEBURGER DAY

when I went to Normandy in 1994 (Bayeux), I was given free wine with dinner at a restaurant all night long simply because I was an American. The American cemetery is one of the most moving places I've ever been. Thanks ANTIFA

All the voices in my head usually come up with a pretty good skeet.

What wine pairs well with go fuck yourself?

Happy Constitution Day, for those that celebrate.

Boss: why are you late? Me: time is an illusion, a construct made out of human memory *sips caramel macchiato from Starbucks*

“Stay in your cars! Tell everyone to stay in your houses.” Illinois state senator Karina Villa out in the street warning folks about ICE

not gonna do it not gonna do it not gonna do it *looks up*

decisions, decisions

wow I have so much energy in my dreams

There’s someone for everyone. Except you. Sorry, there’s an odd number of us.

Good morning to everyone except those pumpkin spice fuckers.

👇👇

Kash Patel leading an FBI investigation. 👇

A plastic broken heart Two faded tickets to a roller derby and a some cough drops fell out of my vagina at the family reunion A silence fell over the church hall I left Never went back Never ever explain yourself Your soul is just fine

I ask everyone I meet if they’re a cop.

But these are my emotional support miles per hour over the speed limit, Officer!

sure we’ve got a lot of political problems but has anyone tried rocking the vote

actually it’s pronounced hwataburger