I miss when when my music choices were considered Satanic by my parents, now when I listen to them on youtube the top comment is like "This was my grandfathers favorite song when I was growing up -- RIP PeePaw we miss u"

"I would like to petition a motion to Close Camp Crystal Lake."

my grandmother died in 1992 so i have no idea if i’ve continued to get more handsome since then

Spell check needs to do butter.

The most corrupt pro-Putin president in US history endorses the most corrupt pro-Putin leader in Europe.

Kermit got that frog in him Porky got that hog in him Swamp Thing got that bog in him

👧: Who's panties are these? 👨:The Dow is over 50,000.

My favorite men's ice dancing move is the spinning thigh gap.

I just realized I've been wearing ice dancing pants all along.

When I was a kid, we didn't have UFC fights. We had to watch "Cheaters" and wait for the confrontation.

I don't use the "c" word often, but Pam Bondi warrants it.

i told my dad i was switching his phone to dark mode and he said don’t do that i need to see happy things

Have you lost hundreds, maybe thousands, of great thoughts to post because there wasn't a 'drafts folder'? YOU may be entitled to 'drafts folder' compensation!

New band name "Expired Dicks"

This clown does things every single day that would've derailed ANY presidency of the last 200+ years. He is an absolute disgrace and not only an adjudicated rapist in the sexual sense, he is also raping and fleecing everything in government that he can get his tiny hands on.

Facebook is is really giving me the hard sell on these bad boys.

*coughing up a storm after a crucial bong hit* Alexa: sorry, I don’t know that

Jordan Uhl @jordanuhl.com stopicetoday.com

Anyone can dunk with zero gravity.

hard to overstate just how much Houston nailed it with the dunking astronaut logo

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

Called two gym bros 'swolemates' today so I'm posting this from inside a locker.

my house cats at the window watching the outdoor apartment cats goin at it: “they not like us”

Thought of a banger in the shower last night but the Pantene Pro-V washed that shit right out of my head

take some vitamin D you sun deficient piece of shit

I was going to start a new diet for New Years but there's a bunch of old diets I haven't finish yet.

This is some jujitsu shit right here.

It's been fun seeing The Consultants lose their mind about how they don't get this ad, which is the coolest shit she's done yet. (Also, yes, that's Matt Mercer, who I've come to learn since this ad dropped is more famous than Michael Jordan.)

Setting up a thermo camera for my ring doorbell so I know who is crop dusting to and from my door.

Do all dogs lever their tail up and down when they take a dump or is my dog just being hilarious?

One day I'll probably look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.

the arrest of journalists in minneapolis, including don lemon, is more evidence that the only move the administration knows how to make is to use force, and does not know how to respond when that force is met with defiance and indifference.

rigatoni was named after its inventor rigoberto antonio

All I really want on my birthday, (today) is for y'all to go punch a Nazi, white supremacist and or Stephen Miller.

Bovino can always go back to being a horse jockey.

I can't put into words the feeling of watching our government, a hive of evil antisocial filth, the absolute worst humanity has to offer, colliding with the best. Ordinary people trying to help each other, risking everything to stand up for what's plainly, unambiguously fair and right. It's unreal

THE EPSTEIN FILES MUST BE RELEASED COMPLETELY. DO NOT FORGET THE INNOCENT VICTIMS.

“Conspiracy to overthrow the election” should have been his end.

*looking over at Netflix during sex* hey Netflix, are you still watching?

Funny how the right is outraged at Fanone flipping off a congressman just days after celebrating a president flipping off a working American .

An all female fitness center called "OB Gym"

In the 80’s you shampooed with Agree or “ gee you hair smells terrific “ or you weren’t getting laid

Brooklyn Park police chief Mark Bruley: "We're hearing people being stopped with no cause & being demanded to show paperwork to determine if they're here legally. We started hearing from our police officers the same complaints. Every one of these individuals is a person of color... it has to stop"

Damn, Rockets/Spurs haven't even started yet and Rockets already trying to cheat.

Imagine sex with me... No. More high-fiving

'We are being attacked by our own federal government..' says this senior in tears Reporter: Why is it so hard for you to talk about? 'Because I'm an American & I'm ashamed' And the young woman: 'I'm angry and I just want this to be over..it's violent...' Where are you, #America?

"Meta" does a beta move.

saw this musical. did not care for it.

Bills fans every season.