It's the first night of Fall! And after a few drinks I'll have my first fall of the night!

Disney tomorrow:

Dallas is going to lose to the lowly Chicago Bears, but the Cowboys are so bad right now, they could lose to the Charmin Bears.

I was so frustrated when I woke up this morning because I was dreaming I was about to go eat a sandwich I remembered I had put in the fridge in a previous dream.

What's the most amount of money you just found? Once, I found a wallet with three hundred bucks in it that was just sitting in the pocket of these pants this guy was wearing.

What's the most amount of money you just found? Once, I found a wallet with three hundred bucks in it that was just sitting in the pocket of these pants this guy was wearing.

If this shirt stays this clean by the end of dinner it's because he used the Constitution as a bib.

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn't understand how cars worked before...

In Canadian Football, it's considered rude to decline a penalty.

There's a service dog in this restaurant and he's terrible. Hasn't even refilled my water glass once.

So great that RFK is making companies return to using sugar instead of that artificial fructose corn syrup. It's the same reason why I'm giving up crystal meth for that good ol' natural cocaine.

This container of ice cream I just bought says "best by November 21, 2025." Uh, buddy, that could've said "best by this afternoon" and we'd still be okay.

Just a reminder, you didn't have an "accident" if the intent was to crap your pants all along.

Funny how we're all celebrating our "labor" this weekend, considering what crappy employees we've become ever since we discovered Social Media.

When do we get to start blinding people with science.

omg I boiled your daughter’s pet rabbit as a joke calm down

Please allow me to introduce myself I'm a man of wealth & taste Been around for a long year Stole many man's soul & faith I was around when Jesus Christ Had His moment of doubt & pain Made damn sure that Pilate Washed his hands & sealed his fate Pleased to meet you Hope u guess my name ME: Gary?

Him: Well, if you ask me- Me: Let me stop you right there.

I can't think of a more appropriately named business than Crackerbarrel.

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

I know people don't like it if someone burns the Flag, but what if I just put one in the microwave and warm it up?

*returns to the rude clerk at porn store with giant shopping bags of porn from competitor* "Do you work on commission?" Big mistake, huuuge mistake"

It's hard to say who has the edge in this Swift-Kelce relationship. On one hand, the multi-talented Swift is the biggest megastar in the world. However, Kelce has the confidence knowing his home and auto are protected with that sweet bundled rate at State Farm.

at any given time I have almost no idea what’s going on

Me: I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat Sajak: Go ahead Me: I didn’t say I could

If I were a therapist, I would repeat to someone over and over again, "It's not your fault... it's not your fault" until they eventually break down crying and hug me. And then I would whisper, "...but on the other hand..."

I’m clean as a whistle. A filthy disgusting whistle

Sometimes I type a stupid joke that doesn't make sense, but I already hit send... And that's when I look up at God and say, "Ah, so THAT'S how I got here..."

It was my grandma's wish to have her ashes scattered over Yosemite, but apparently this meant nothing to the employees at Disney's "Soarin' Over California" ride. 🫤

I've decided my purpose in life is to be a warning to others, and I'm thriving in the role.

"You're always smiling, Chris," My dear neighbour, I cannot account for what the taxidermist has done to my face.

Funeral Director: I'm sorry you're not 100 percent pleased but I should remind you, you did pick our cheapest plan. [The Chuck E. Cheese animatronic show kicks in]

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

[Morpheus extends a hand, presenting you a choice between pineapple pizza and black licorice]

She said "call me" with the same sincerity an angry security guard asks "can I help you?"

bet sharks accidentally eating humans instead of seals is like biting into a raisin cookie expecting it to be chocolate chip.

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent

Fixed it.

Encouraging all NFL players to commit their crimes this weekend, so I don't waste a Fantasy Football pick on someone in jail.

Would have been nice to know wedding was Star Trek themed before crashing it.

Ooh, you've landed on this Skeet, tough break. Go back 10 spaces and lose a turn.

Me: I wanted my tale to be classic with a modern twist Lit agent: So that’s why you started it- Me: with “Beyoncé upon a time,” yes

I'll need a moment to drink about this

How do you get pizza stains out of blue denim? I just bought this couch.

Every day do at least one thing that scares oncoming traffic.

Over my dead body will I "arrive 30 minutes" before my appointment

Me: So my friend says you're a cop. Guy: Actually, I'm a Corrections Officer. Me: Well, I stand corrected... Hey, you're very good!

I keep a hotdog behind one ear like a pencil.

You should “do you” but maybe also do therapy

"Whateth do you speak of, Willis?" - Sir Arnold Drummond