The only notification that excites me is "out for delivery".

telling “your mama” jokes to the baby

When I die I expect you to Weekend at Bernie me to the gym before my funeral so I look my best in the casket.

"You chose...poorly." -The Grail Knight to me in every checkout line.

"Baba Yaga" I whisper as I cautiously walk through the dark house-fearful of the cat that will strike at any moment.

*me brushing my daughter's hair my watch: are you working out?

I'm an over-explainer (I explain things too much)

I never feel more alive than when some random stranger blocks me.

Husband packing his hiking bag: "Wow, this thing is like you. If I keep stuffing it full, I bet a kid will pop out."

A student's grandparent said I looked way too young to have been teaching 21 years so if anyone needs me I'll be over here living off this high the rest of the weekend.

We all remember exactly where we were when we realized Bluey was a girl.

7yo: I'm drinking the water from this apple. me: Juice. It's apple juice.

When a student in your class whisper yells to his best friend in the hallway that he'll 'meet him there soon' and then asks you to use the restroom- -say yes and just let nature take it's course

me, teacher: Today we are adding i-n-g to the end of words. Can anyone tell me what i-n-g says? student: oh-my-gosh?

Oreo supply chain has been disrupted. Panic! At Nabisco

PUFFY SHIRT-teacher code for "I can't understand this kid."

i am sooo good at doing impressions of people in my mind

(Me, relaxing on the couch) My cat: hi i'm here to walk on your nuts

An acoustic Red Hot Chili Peppers cover band called Mild Chili Peppers.

I like to say “I’ll think about it” when I already decided absolutely not

I'm at the beach and between the blaring music, kids yelling, and drunk people, I'm putting on my earbuds to enjoy some soothing sounds of waves gently lapping at the shore.

This heat wave is wrecking the grand opening of my sauna and hot drink store.

husband: Don't tell Mom we're having only chips and salsa for dinner. 7yo: Don't worry, I know how to keep a secret. husband: husband: husband: I'm calling your mother.

When I was young, I knew 30 phone numbers, my student ID, 10 zip codes, numerous TV channel schedules, past and present locker combinations, and my SSN. I am so stupid now.

Nighttime cereal is better than daytime cereal. Even my cats know that.

I yelled, "Shut that door! I am not paying to cool the outdoors!" and a Harry Potter owl showed up with my AARP papers.

true story-if you roll into California without Red Hot Chili Peppers playing, they kick you out.

Her original rap name was Mary O. Blige but she changed it to J because people were taking advantage of her generosity.

When I was a kid, there was a gum called Freshen-Up that would jizz in your mouth.

I swear to god these hummingbirds are stressing me out I’M MAKING IT AS FAST AS I CAN YOU LITTLE SPASTIC FUCKS

Sometimes I use negative words or phrases to describe things in an endearing fashion. Like saying someone is stupid cool, or fucking braindead amazing.

Some days there's just not much to say. Some days there's too much.

Me: [orders pizza] Them: Would you also like our cheesy bread with sauce? Me: Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? Me: 2 please.

People that understand sarcasm are the real heroes.

I only purchase single-use chapstick.

Once, a lady told me she'd rather give birth than get a flu test and I didn't punch her in the face. I think about that a lot.

Pray for me-my husband ate too much and now his belly hurts.

I deserve two weeks off after trying to teach 1st graders log-ins and passwords.

I waste so many post-its bc I'm unsatisfied with my handwriting.

All I’m saying is you probably only need to eat one, maybe two, and I bet the rich would start behaving right quick.

Isn’t Nick the only real nickname

*looks to the left* *looks to the right* *hisses like an angry possum*

Them: Stop acting weird. Me: Acting?

i wonder if my hips or my will to live will give out first

from the mouths of babes- first grader: "Yeah I get to see Dad soon but he has to have good behavior first."

The terrifying moment when you realize that those actually are your monkeys.

I got engaged before it was cool

I like who likes me. Sometimes good judgement never has a chance.

People say I’m sarcastic. Yeah, right.

I’m not a morning or night person. I identify as lunch.