Once you start buying baby wipes you never stop.

*getting an oil change because they vacuum the car for me

POV: wearing the same bra for three days bc I've already packed the good ones for the trip

It's 60° and raining... my daughter: Can I go to the pool?

*last day of school me: "Oh you look beautiful today! I love your sparkly dress!" 1st grader: "Yeah, I overdid it."

no one: 14yo: Remember that day we got an extra mcgriddle in the bag? That was the best day.

If one more student calls me "bruh" I'll probably be put on administrative leave.

1st grader: Your arms need to be tanner.

As above (I rubbed my eye after cutting jalapeños) so below (I was peeing with the other hand)

they should invent a job that pays me enough to not hate it

When Dad drops a pea off of his plate, he says, 'Oh dear, I've pee'd on the table!'

if you have fingers, you, too, can make a haiku you’ll need seventeen

My work computer told me "the trust between this workspace and the domain has failed" and so I guess now I'm a traitor.

It's a major problem if I'm minorly inconvenienced.

A coworker parked in "my" space this morning and it ruined my day.

How many Fridays in a row do I have to hear "it's Friday!" before I get to stab a b?

I said to my kids, "I'm only going to tell you this once-" and we laughed and we laughed and we laughed

Saw a snake today on my walk so that's the end of that. Closing this fitness account.

we should put whoever makes broccoli rubber bands in charge of more stuff

drafts folder is just my bite my tongue folder

*me playing video games with my kids: "Stop yelling at me! I don't know what those words mean!"

Dear CEO of plastic Easter eggs-I'm getting real tired of taping them closed every year.

I'm being gaslit into believing school buses are yellow when I know in my heart of hearts they're orange.

It's cool how canva acknowledges my love for top gun and points out the danger zone on my document.

Happy International Women's Day. Remember to take your marriage license to the DMV, but your husband doesn't have to.

Have a daughter so she can make you doubt your skin care routine.

Why are we out of Oreos? I'm just asking. -5yo

If I never ever not even once in this lifetime experience a close call with quicksand, my whole childhood has been a lie.

Remembering when a student told me he made me a Valentine but his mom erased it.

Me to my open-toed sandals: "Soon my loves, soon. Our time is coming."

It doesn't matter how many times Walmart delivery screws up I still love that guy

AI description of motion on the camera: "Two ferrets are running on the paved area." Reality: A bird landed on the car.

Husband: How long does this basketball season last?! Me: yes.

One day you're wild and carefree and the next you're making a Christmas chain counting down to retirement. Only 1,460 more links to go.

student, giggling: I saw you at the ballgame last night with your boyyyfriennnd. me: nope, just my husband.

I need an unlimited supply of starburst jellybeans. Like Katniss Everdeen and arrows.

I don’t know what’s gonna happen today, but I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be annoyed by it

I just discovered I can control how my name shows up when I call someone. All this power is going to be hilarious.

I pride myself on my crossword and word search talents. Then I'm humbled when I try to complete one that isn't 1st grade level.

I'm gonna ask Walmart delivery to be my Valentine.

me, teacher: *opens my 2 p.m. energy drink can at my desk student, whispers: Was that a beer?

My tire pressure won't make up it's mind. It's like we're married.

People that are offended by a joke make the joke even funnier for me.

guessing zillow ended up zillow because doomscroller™️ was trademarked

Horny mice be like if the walls are squeaking, don’t come a-peeking

thursday? i think you mean faux friday

I'm gonna ask Walmart delivery to be my Valentine.

husband: I'm going to go get new tires for your car. me: I love it when we sext.

With snow coming in 5 days I just thought I'd be the first to ask, How are the roads?

Just discovered that I’ve turned who cares I’ll be dead by then years old