your lowercase "k" text response hurts my feelings

[student and me looking through gift bag] student: Where's the candy bar? Oh I bet my mom ate it! She doesn't need that! She was already eating flaming hot pickle Cheetos!

I didn't win anything on my gift scratchers but I did scratch to see the money I'm missing out on.

My Google Wrapped 1. how long is the grinch happy meal available 2. oil change near me 3. snow day clipart 4. poisonous gas from oil tank (bc landman) 5. eminem

you can call anything research if you looked for it twice

you never see slip-on shoes hanging from telephone lines

I'm just glad Google doesn't do an end of the year wrapped.

Little Debbie opens a dispensary and calls it Debbie's Downers.

me: you were supposed to draw me one shape and divide it into equal shares....I see 5 cookies and...what are these? student: dragons

My tire pressure won't make up it's mind. It's like we're married.

My rings being loose because of my cold fingers gives me a false positive body image.

"Aren't you, like, 40?" -my nephew and new mortal enemy

me, teacher: *opens my 2 p.m. energy drink can at my desk student, whispers: Was that a beer?

"please don't give me the ball, please don't give me the ball" -memories of playing high school sports

me: omg goth bath bombs santa: that’s charcoal

BRING BACK AIR GUITAR CONTESTS YOU COWARDS

Dear Potential Spam, I don't even want to answer the phone when it's someone I know

Biscuit dough tubes: providing morning jump scares since 1931

It's so weird being online and seeing people I went to high school with doing grown up things. Congrats on your new house, Jeremy. I know you've got a tweety bird tat on your ass.

I texted my husband "weird" but it autocorrected to "word" and now he thinks I'm thug.

new anxiety unlocked: being weighed at the dentist

elevator music should only play Linger by The Cranberries

I hide behind fake enthusiasm (exclamation marks)

the two v’s in “twins” are really just there as an example

Why do they keep making new music when the best stuff all came out when I was a teen?

Her: I need to be with a guy who's an out of the box thinker Schrödinger: *grabbing his coat* Goddammit

my husband opening a compressed mattress like he's disarming a bomb

I've never once been standing and all of a sudden fallen. However, everytime I see a cliff on t.v., I know that's how I'll die.

I don't want "a lot" of followers, I just want "a lot" of daily affirmations that I am hilarious and pretty.

"From now on, if you say 6-7 that's how many laps you run before you play at recess." -me [teacher] losing my cool

It's pajama day so I'm definitely going to Walmart after school.

[binging old t.v. show] 17yo: I don't think EVERYONE loves Raymond.

I always know I made a real banger of a post when people with generic profile pictures respond.

I texted my husband "weird" but it autocorrected to "word" and now he thinks I'm thug.

The thermostat in the car today said "67" so that was a really fun and not at all annoying ride with the kids.

inventing a pizza sandwich (a slice of pizza in between two more slices of pizza)

If you're twisting the stem of an apple and not whispering the ABC's to determine your future spouse-you aren't my people.

I'm gonna need little league basketball refs to be like professional football refs- stand in the middle of the gym with a microphone and announce the whistled call to us.

bowling alley attendant: Shoe size, please. me: 39 Temu

I don't get lost in thought. I live there. The rent is cheap and I make the rules.

At my age, forgetting where you put your keys is a given. Forgetting what you were even doing naked is the real adventure.

[james bond voice] the name’s goose. silly goose.

Americans: Who celebrates Thanksgiving in October? Canadians: Happy Thanksgiving, eh!

husband: Can you do a cartwheel? daughter, 7: [does a cartwheel] h: Roundoff? d: [does a roundoff] h: One handed? d: [does a one-handed cartwheel] h: Wow! Now no hands. d: [rolls eyes] Dad, that's called an areola.

me as a basketball referee: [blows whistle] "Oh, wait, no. My bad."

In HS my 2 bffs and I went through this thing where we would talk mostly in first letters and only call each other by our first initials and we always knew what each of us meant because we were that close and I miss that and the mom of one girl still calls me "T"

"It's crazy I'm still alive." -the quote on our Gen X family crest

My new car tells me the psi of all my tires and my husband is "so excited"