One day you're wild and carefree and the next you're making a Christmas chain counting down to retirement. Only 1,460 more links to go.

student, giggling: I saw you at the ballgame last night with your boyyyfriennnd. me: nope, just my husband.

I need an unlimited supply of starburst jellybeans. Like Katniss Everdeen and arrows.

I don’t know what’s gonna happen today, but I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be annoyed by it

I just discovered I can control how my name shows up when I call someone. All this power is going to be hilarious.

I pride myself on my crossword and word search talents. Then I'm humbled when I try to complete one that isn't 1st grade level.

I'm gonna ask Walmart delivery to be my Valentine.

me, teacher: *opens my 2 p.m. energy drink can at my desk student, whispers: Was that a beer?

My tire pressure won't make up it's mind. It's like we're married.

People that are offended by a joke make the joke even funnier for me.

guessing zillow ended up zillow because doomscroller™️ was trademarked

Horny mice be like if the walls are squeaking, don’t come a-peeking

thursday? i think you mean faux friday

I'm gonna ask Walmart delivery to be my Valentine.

husband: I'm going to go get new tires for your car. me: I love it when we sext.

With snow coming in 5 days I just thought I'd be the first to ask, How are the roads?

Just discovered that I’ve turned who cares I’ll be dead by then years old

Establishing dominance by taking the last piece of cake.

your lowercase "k" text response hurts my feelings

[student and me looking through gift bag] student: Where's the candy bar? Oh I bet my mom ate it! She doesn't need that! She was already eating flaming hot pickle Cheetos!

My Google Wrapped 1. how long is the grinch happy meal available 2. oil change near me 3. snow day clipart 4. poisonous gas from oil tank (bc landman) 5. eminem

you can call anything research if you looked for it twice

you never see slip-on shoes hanging from telephone lines

I'm just glad Google doesn't do an end of the year wrapped.

Little Debbie opens a dispensary and calls it Debbie's Downers.

me: you were supposed to draw me one shape and divide it into equal shares....I see 5 cookies and...what are these? student: dragons

My tire pressure won't make up it's mind. It's like we're married.

My rings being loose because of my cold fingers gives me a false positive body image.

"Aren't you, like, 40?" -my nephew and new mortal enemy

"please don't give me the ball, please don't give me the ball" -memories of playing high school sports

me: omg goth bath bombs santa: that’s charcoal

BRING BACK AIR GUITAR CONTESTS YOU COWARDS

Dear Potential Spam, I don't even want to answer the phone when it's someone I know

Biscuit dough tubes: providing morning jump scares since 1931

It's so weird being online and seeing people I went to high school with doing grown up things. Congrats on your new house, Jeremy. I know you've got a tweety bird tat on your ass.

I texted my husband "weird" but it autocorrected to "word" and now he thinks I'm thug.

new anxiety unlocked: being weighed at the dentist

elevator music should only play Linger by The Cranberries

I hide behind fake enthusiasm (exclamation marks)

the two v’s in “twins” are really just there as an example

Why do they keep making new music when the best stuff all came out when I was a teen?

Her: I need to be with a guy who's an out of the box thinker Schrödinger: *grabbing his coat* Goddammit

my husband opening a compressed mattress like he's disarming a bomb

I've never once been standing and all of a sudden fallen. However, everytime I see a cliff on t.v., I know that's how I'll die.

I don't want "a lot" of followers, I just want "a lot" of daily affirmations that I am hilarious and pretty.

"From now on, if you say 6-7 that's how many laps you run before you play at recess." -me [teacher] losing my cool

It's pajama day so I'm definitely going to Walmart after school.

[binging old t.v. show] 17yo: I don't think EVERYONE loves Raymond.

I always know I made a real banger of a post when people with generic profile pictures respond.