I’m not waiting for someone or something to show me the way

The nice thing about being unemployed is I don’t have to worry about my work wife getting upset with me.

Working book titles: Ten Thousand Knives in the Twat Fire Ants of Love Wonder Wander Further Farther No Shit Dickhead

I demand a YouTube channel of all the hikers walking back to pick up their cameras.

AI has to tell you when it’s AI if you ask Like cops.

I wish I could go back to when you could use the internet to solve a problem.

This is my fault, I’ve been watching micro apartment videos on YouTube.

Let’s make this house of ill repute a home of ill repute

Do other languages make up names for their children too. Like add three more side slashes to a Mandarin character and it’s Chimchimerry instead of James.

I like to say “and this is Jackass” after a typical Good Morning.

Found out they used FlavorAid not KoolAid at Jonestown, we really need to reexamine our values.

I have flow charts for which height of sock speaks to the moment.

Is it too late to get adopted by two lesbians in an Oregon forest.

Forty percent of all rock ballads prior to the 1980’s are about drowning. The other sixty pertains to automobile accidents.

Might just sit in the hotel room and eat fried chicken all day long

If it were up to me, everything would somehow be worse.

It's a fine line between comical eccentricity and hoarding

"Sold as a single earring" has completely altered my worldview.

Why don’t I know who played Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s.

I don’t know that Acme Looniversity was in accredited college.

Oh no! Wet again! It was just dry, I don’t understand, condensation.

In my I don’t care-a.

It’s hard to tell these days if it’s just normal crying into a bowl of ramen.

I’m not sure if the flickering light in the bathroom has been giving me the best advice.

Ronald McDonald is the American pope.

Pretty exciting they changed the Smithsonian to a Noah’s Arc park.

Only a few old-timey diseases away until my cover song “Shingle Ladies” becomes a chart topper.

Them: Life goes on. Me: I don’t wanna.

Yesterday I had a Bluetooth catheter and today there are hurricane force wildfires.

Has anyone put a volt meter on a jellyfish.

Have you ever once considered the possibility that you might be wrong because you’re basically a complete idiot who knows nothing about anything

Ban common core math. Make the misuse of an apostrophe a felony. Rename the Oxford Comma the Boston But. Let Mike Tyson run the Department of Educational Corrections.

I hope Edward Norton plays Gene Hackman in the murder mystery of Gene Hackman and then it turns out Edward Norton is the killer.

Getting ready to Go Fund Me a ghost town.

Lost my DEI job at the dick sucking Factory

Vegans just rolling in the money right now

Pig Latin finally going to come in handy.

Seagull feet taste like cigarette butts.

Help help I’m being actually-ed

This is all because of iCarly.

If I seem mad, it’s because of Rod Stewart.

There ain’t enough room in flavortown for both of us

Your momma was a Xerox machine

How many of my nephews have me on a government watch list.

When I’m nervous I hum the battle theme from Final Fantasy.

You have to dress up for a steak so you can be introduced to the cow.

Give it the old All Of Nothing

The nice thing about being terrible at everything is not having to worry about trying to do something well.

Friends don’t let friends start a new sub genre of punk

I guess now is a good time to let everyone know that Lzzy Hale got me pregnant.