bird to holiday ratio: thanksgiving: 1 bird christmas: 184 birds easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

Imagine becoming a better person. Now imagine space unicorns! Imaginations are sweet as hell

my mom always used to say you shouldn’t hate people and i’m here to say my mom was wrong

ok? bye bitch!

You see us as you want to see us – in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is toasted sourdough, and sliced tomato, and a sausage patty, and an egg, and avocado. Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club

ok hammer maybe hurt them a little

Bruce Banner got superpowers that one time from gamma rays but I got $20 from Grandma Rae every time

I want to recharge you like a power droid

friend was trying to tell me about his plantar fasciitis, but I was all like, "fuck that harry potter bullshit, man!"

Sous Vide would be a succulent name for a tender loved one.

SQUIGGY (enters room without knocking) Hello

you're playing the game I just lost the game we are both the same

I'm not good with people which is a real shame because I am charming af

Greater than some of these parts

naan is an awfully negative sounding name given how good it tastes and that seems suspicious as hell, like they were trying to discourage me from trying poofy little flat breads haha nice try

My favorite stooges-based beverage is probably a moehito unless I'm driving then it's strictly iggy pop

A scoundrel lacking distinction is pretty vanillian

I have decided to react to some surprising news or information

just chillin w/ m'homies

I'm tired of being the bigger person. Just once, I want to be the smaller person, tiny enough to be carried around in someone's pocket, shouting petty retorts.

The idea Johnson's promoting here--that the Court should defer to Trump bc he's doing what he was elected to do--is really showing how locked in some elites are to the idea that Trump, as an individual, is the singular embodiment of the volk cc @jamellebouie.net courthousenews.com/johnson-rips...

I say we take off and help the hamburger from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

it is weird how much Elon Musk lies and hurts people and how that doesn't seem to affect the money he earns or the opportunities he gets

*puts V8® Low Sodium 100% Vegetable Juice in the bong because we trying to stay healthy

marco rubio and elon musk

"god bless us with enemies too stupid to hide their crimes" -unique prayer invented in 2025

Love this level of petty.

🎶Suckin' on a chili dog outside the Tastee Freez Kim's sittin' on Edwards's lap, got his Scissorhands between her knees

Always forsooth but never toosooth

Man, electrical signals propagating like a wave to thousands of neurons? Really makes you think

first sarah snook, but then sarah chill

you guys ever tried a "sense of belonging?" sounds pretty sweet

Ego Nwodim is my President

We all livid in our yellow submarine

It all seemed so simple back then, how'd it all get so crazy.

I cannot hunker any downer

"Shhhh, no more words. Please." I say, placing a single finger on the sun-baked leather of rfk jr's upper lip

Just a sec... wanna google my favorite trucker/chimpanzee buddy comedy from the late '70s *enters ʙᴊ + ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴇᴀʀ

It’s a genuine tragedy that one of the world’s most talented film directors has wasted 25 years making CGI slop about fucking space fish

Most folks don't know that Eddie Bauer's favorite soup is LL Bean

Name an episode of Blossom that was 𝒏𝙤𝒕 very special, I'll wait

If you see this post egg

this is a moon account well that and a soup account

Pro tip: the elevation in your heart rate due to reading the news counts as exercise

🎶 My Adidas, standin' on two fifth street Funky fresh and cold like the cuts that I yeet

🚨🚨🚨 The jury has reached a verdict. Sean Dunn, aka the DC Sandwich Guy, has been found NOT GUILTY of assault.

would be so fucking funny if dr oz sent that guy a bill

burn this shit down

meme of Bong Joon Ho making his Oscars kiss but instead he is holding me and you