Everyday there's something new that is really just none of my business

our responsibility right now is to be Prometheus.

Everybody, it's a new jack thing

if i have to google someone you're talking about and their bio opens with youtuber podcaster or twitch streamer i will silently judge you for at least a week

When you grow up, people stop asking you what your favorite d̴i̴n̴o̴s̴a̴u̴r̴ Bob is. It's like they don't even CARE.

this is how I poast to bsky daught app

i asked a magic 8 ball if everything was going to be ok and it collapsed in on itself like a dying star is that good

FIRST PERSON TO DISCOVER FIRE: ow ow OW FUCK OWW

I'm the only normal guy hiding in your cupboard. Watch out for the others. They’re weirdos

one time when i was a kid my dad locked me in the closet until i finished a whole pack of smokes to teach me a lesson. and it worked, the gumbo came out fine and i never mistook chirozo for andouille again.

Crazy only looks good on you if you're already good looking.

People are blocking me for being funny, which is absurd because I personally consider it a community service.

The U.S. government isn’t reinstituting the draft, but they’re playing Fortunate Son reaaaaaally loud right now.

Slept in my Black Sheep t-shirt and I woke up didn't choke up, saw my AK it was broke up, put it together like a jigsaw got my nine and my Rambo knife off the floor

waiting for the sleep weevils to come

hot singles in your area fighting a battle you know nothing about. be kind.

And there is no map. And a compass wouldn't help at all.

ok, maybe today satan

It’s crazy that an average 80s B-movie (but a particularly good one) has more craft and artistry than a 300 million dollar movie made in 2026

Miniature golf caddy thinking maybe a putter for this one.

a'ight, imma head out

my dad's mormon and my mom's pentecostal i guess that's why i'm always soaking in tongues

SESAME STREET EXEC 1: kids love bright colours, so how about a bunch of humanoid puppets in red, green, blue, orange, yellow SESAME STREET EXEC 2: ooh what if the yellow one had a head like a banana? SESAME STREET EXEC 1: I love it, yes. banana head DIVERSITY HIRE GOTH: there should be a vampire

also nobody in the history of cinema has ever gone as hard as John Leguizamo did as Tybalt

Jobs are just Whac-A-Mole at their core. Whack the email. Whack the Teams question. Prize is just salary though, nothing cool like a stuffed rhinoceros.

[frantically waving to person in the time machine] WAIT WAIT WAIT WE FOUND A WORSE GUY

still punk i say, not realizing dementia has me forgetting i was actually disco

why’s it always “flex *on* me” and never “flex *with* me”?

ok hammer maybe hurt them a little

when you taste the snozzberries the snozzberries taste of you

walk the jewels is fine no rush

Be kind, for everyone you meet is worried and confused

if i had one piece of advice for the youths it would be to embrace your cringe early and unapologetically

The whole save the turtles thing was really the last straw for me.

getting low to that ice cream truck beat

Shay-doo-bae (shattered)

no seriously, the whole shack shimmies, your honor

push myself to the breaking point it's all I know to do except for lie

micro-dosing nitrous oxide would fix me

there's a time and a place for everything and it's called "college" which is why I'm an online-enrolled, lifelong learner perpetually double majoring in minor slights and everybody else's business

Dim sum tasty dumplings

*ᴊᴏᴀɴ ᴊᴇᴛᴛ ᴠᴏᴄᴇ 🎼I don't give a Pip 'bout your Great Expectations🎵

Y'know what, I'm still with it "War don't sex" that's right brother, peace fucks

I don't think there's anywhere in Seattle you could be right now and not hear this. It's permeating every street corner, every block, it's rising above the buildings. It's an unignorable low static roar of camaraderie, hope, love, cheers, and some fairly uneven impromptu marching band instrumentals

My thing is coming up with a complicated sign concept 5 minutes before heading out and making a hasty and illegible rendering. Every time.

Your actual date of birth is the day when you learn how to laugh.

we focus a lot on how these are galvanizing events for the good guys but don’t sleep on how demoralizing they are for the bad guys, too