Happiness is the best revenge. Which is why I'm sending a clown to your house...

Comin' out of my cage and I've been doin' just fine oops wait wrong door oh, powder room

I'll never forget this one time 14 years ago when I was calm and confident for like 5 minutes

post a meme made by you

post a meme made by you “Are those…?” “Taco Bell encharitos? Yeah they are.”

okay hear me out

Dance like the black monolith isn’t watching

when you're out of schlitz, you're out of beer, and then what

they say "you snooze, you lose" but joke's on them because I got to snooze

Felt charcuterie, might deli later

Feel the city breakin and everybody shakin

"I apologize for the confusion..." is short for "As clearly stated in the previous email you didn't read..."

These boops were made for Walken

Went to get new glasses yesterday and the lady sent me home to think on it which was a terrible decision. Ma’am I have adhd it needs to be now or I will be half blind for 18 months. Those are the options.

Scattered, Smothered, Covered, Chunked, Diced and Topped

I'm opening an overpriced gag gift store called LMFAO Schwarz.

her: hi my name is lisa noelle me: oh hi isa

vibes are bad on the timeline? you're going to look at my cat and you're going to like it

Some people say diapers for babies are “good,” but what do the babies say? The answer may surprise you

eccentric wealthy family dynasties were the backbone of local newspapers and sports teams for a hundred years in this country. were they remotely laudable as humanitarians or community leaders? no. were they better than the bloodless ultrarich freaks in charge now? kinda. what's my point? no idea

person. woman. man. camera. thucydides trap.

In full awareness that absolutely nothing should throw me at this point do not @ me, this one threw me www.wbir.com/article/news...

I feel I should alert Bluesky to the baby foxes in our yard

Be nice to me you piece of shit

him: the best thing about roadtrips is you get to see the real america me, sobbing: i know

Moaning is not always a good thing. Sometimes it just means you're old and in pain. Pass the muscle relaxers.

People in the US are like "pff good luck having healthcare without the parasitic executives of private companies getting rich off of our suffering"

Next chickie in progress

Detective: So they were fast as lightning and fought with expert timing. Anything else? Me: Did I mention that it was a little bit frighteni- Detective: Yeah, you said that

i really do not want to watch the nfl on netflix

ran into an old business associate while browsing the web

mfs out here acting like soup isn't M'm! M'm! Good!

Asparagus is short for Aspynn Arabella Gustafsson

hoa sent me a warning letter regarding the size of my crow army

I haven’t answered my phone in like 6 years and the fact people still try to call me says a lot about human resilience.

You know you're getting old when you pull a muscle putting on your compression socks.

I hate it when people talk to me, and I also hate it when people don’t talk to me, but here’s what I like: Complaining

noise canceling headphones have really hurt the sirens singing sailors to their watery graves industry

people need to start asking “are you not smart or are you a liar?”

Well damn

you know i keep that thang on me until the sea witch lifts the curse and i can finally get rid of it

Say a few words from an old TV commercial that some of us will remember: "Before the whisker can fully retract, the second blade cuts it again, closer to the skin"

Just finished the new Murderbot novel and this is how it ends. Same, Martha, same

actually, I was just resting my eyes for a minute till Brooklyn

me after I sow:

If you think you're "normal," you are delusional

this is why they call him Bowie

Hi everyone I need your votes There's only 2 days left now for the peoples artist competition and I'm currently in 6th place. Even if you've voted before you can still vote again every day It would seriously be life changing for me to win this. 🙏 peoplesartist.org/2026/stephen...

🎶When I find myself in times of trouble, cultured dairy comes to me, have another handful, shredded cheese