As the temperature will be over 30° this week, I will be suggesting at work that we take hydration breaks. And that it’s probably best that these are held at the pub.

Sometimes I sit and wonder if Uri Geller is still bending spoons or if he ever moved onto other cutlery.

As the hot weather has now arrived it would be rude not to have a barbecue. I dont have a garden, but I’ll make sure I open all the windows.

I’m a bit hungover today, I don’t have any paracetamol, so I’ve had to take the next best thing… a bottle of wine.

I’m usually not stubborn, but if it was a matter of life or death, I would choose dehydration over sparkling water.

I thought the Mexican national anthem there was going to be running all the way through to half time.

To keep morale up, for every week it rains during the summer, the government should give us an extra bank holiday.

Tom Selleck couldn’t actually grow a moustache and used his pubic hair cuttings instead.

I’ve never been dogging but I like to think that after all that physical activity there’s always one regular that brings along a flask of tea for them all to share.

I can only imagine that the largest social experiment to go wrong was in 1962 when pineapple was first put onto pizzas.

I wonder if any tortoises have ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ hanging on the inside of their shell.

I heard that the contestants that made it through to Love Island, were the only ones that didn’t snap their crayon when colouring in the application form.

I think the neighbours cat might have a drinking problem, I keep hearing him gobbing off at 4am each morning. I’ve also heard a rumour that he took a shit on no.28’s doorstep.

I’ve run out of teabags. For anyone that is not from the UK and wondering why this is a problem, it’s actually a criminal offense.

Do ever watch a hamster in their cage, running on their wheel and doing their little pull ups and think, What the fuck are you training for?

When your Mum makes you wear a hat because it’s hot out.

I love joining a pub quiz, there’s a round suitable for everyone; sports, music, art, film and my personal favourite, two pints of Stella and a couple of Jäger bombs.

Did you know that every year 1/3 infant whales are taken to the vet by their Mum because they have stuck lego in their blow holes.

An average ejaculation contains 0.15 to 0.3 grams of protein. So just eat an egg instead.

I’m going bowling today, sometimes i feel a bit disgusted when I think about the ball and how many fingers have been inside it. I assume it’s very similar to thoughts your Dad had when he first met your Mum.

I’ve run out of ice so now I need to find a cocktail that will go with frozen carrots.

There should be a safe word for breakout rooms on Microsoft Teams.

Hear me out… an App to track the Ice-Cream Van. You could plan your dinner round them, have the cash ready and be standing in the road ready for their arrival. Everyone’s a winner. Thank you *takes a bow*

If you’re approaching your forties and expecting to have a wild midlife crisis like they do on TV. Sit back down, because I can tell you now, all it will involve is introducing a few waistcoats into your wardrobe and you’ll start to enjoy tomatoes a bit more.

The steering wheel was that hot I had to wear oven gloves to drive the car.

I’m not an alcoholic, the sun made me do it.

I better dust off those Davina McCall workout DVD’s. Because the weather app is telling me I have 24 hours to get my summer body ready.

I’ve requested in my will that my ashes are kept in a Henry hoover bag.

1 in every 14 humans will get reincarnated into one of those little fish that nibbles away at the dead skin on people’s feet.

It’s a well known fact that nobody has correctly spelt ‘diarrhoea’ on their first attempt.

Can we just agree that life imprisonment is the punishment for having ketchup on a roast dinner.

I’d fucking love to be on Eurovision, I can’t sing or dance but looking at some of the past acts, I don’t think that’s essential.

I had a dream last night that I went out for a run and I was attacked by giant mechanical spiders. Mad isn’t it, as if I would ever go out for a run.

The weather today has been more unpredictable than your Mum after a bottle of Lambrini.

I once got stung by a jellyfish and was told urine would help. I think it was a lie to be honest, because all it did for me was leave a funny taste in my mouth.

I know I have spinach inbetween my teeth but I like to refer to it as a garnish.

If you check your dogs phone, you’ll find over a hundred photos he’s taken of you sleeping because he thought you looked cute.

I’ve been sponsoring a donkey for the last five years, I appreciate the money is all for a good cause but he’s not once attempted to complete a marathon.

Seagulls are the Sopranos of the sky.

I’m usually quite good at Maths but even I can’t work out this stool to table ratio.

When I interview at work, once I’ve asked the questions, I ask the candidate to pop a balloon to reveal if they’ve been hired or not. It’s always a No, but at least they get to have a little fun before they leave.

If I went to the Met Gala, I’d blow all of their minds with my outfit choice of Jeans and a nice top.

If I’m honest, it’s the unflattering dresses that would put me off joining a cult.

I don’t know if this ever happened in Star Wars as I haven’t seen them all. But I hope at some point they used their lightsabers to chop up fruit and veg.

I drank half a bottle of wine yesterday, then left the rest because “I didn’t fancy it”. I don’t know who I am anymore.

Shit gig working in an ice cream van, sure the sun is out so you can make a load of cash. But you also have to spend all day in a hot transit van listening to the same jingle on loop.

I’ve had the maddest things said to me today. ‘You’re so clever’ ‘you’re so funny’ ‘I love your outfit’ ‘Wow, you’re amazing’ ‘Are you ok, you keep talking to yourself’

I’m not saying all lifts are bullshitters but have you ever stepped in one without questioning the maximum capacity sign.

I’ll be Celebrating St. George’s Day by painting a few roundabouts .

No one tells you when you hit forty you’ll become addicted to the promises from multivitamins.