Sheena
@sarky-sheena.bsky.social
š¤ 483
š„ 294
š 600
Clumsy, underachiever, occasional drunk, goes to pets at home for a cheap day out.
As the temperature will be over 30° this week, I will be suggesting at work that we take hydration breaks. And that itās probably best that these are held at the pub.
about 2 hours ago
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Sometimes I sit and wonder if Uri Geller is still bending spoons or if he ever moved onto other cutlery.
about 6 hours ago
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As the hot weather has now arrived it would be rude not to have a barbecue. I dont have a garden, but Iāll make sure I open all the windows.
1 day ago
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Iām a bit hungover today, I donāt have any paracetamol, so Iāve had to take the next best thing⦠a bottle of wine.
1 day ago
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Iām usually not stubborn, but if it was a matter of life or death, I would choose dehydration over sparkling water.
7 days ago
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I thought the Mexican national anthem there was going to be running all the way through to half time.
10 days ago
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To keep morale up, for every week it rains during the summer, the government should give us an extra bank holiday.
10 days ago
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Tom Selleck couldnāt actually grow a moustache and used his pubic hair cuttings instead.
11 days ago
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Iāve never been dogging but I like to think that after all that physical activity thereās always one regular that brings along a flask of tea for them all to share.
12 days ago
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I can only imagine that the largest social experiment to go wrong was in 1962 when pineapple was first put onto pizzas.
12 days ago
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I wonder if any tortoises have āLive, Laugh, Loveā hanging on the inside of their shell.
14 days ago
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I heard that the contestants that made it through to Love Island, were the only ones that didnāt snap their crayon when colouring in the application form.
17 days ago
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I think the neighbours cat might have a drinking problem, I keep hearing him gobbing off at 4am each morning. Iāve also heard a rumour that he took a shit on no.28ās doorstep.
20 days ago
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Iāve run out of teabags. For anyone that is not from the UK and wondering why this is a problem, itās actually a criminal offense.
21 days ago
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Do ever watch a hamster in their cage, running on their wheel and doing their little pull ups and think, What the fuck are you training for?
22 days ago
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When your Mum makes you wear a hat because itās hot out.
22 days ago
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I love joining a pub quiz, thereās a round suitable for everyone; sports, music, art, film and my personal favourite, two pints of Stella and a couple of JƤger bombs.
23 days ago
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Did you know that every year 1/3 infant whales are taken to the vet by their Mum because they have stuck lego in their blow holes.
23 days ago
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An average ejaculation contains 0.15 to 0.3 grams of protein. So just eat an egg instead.
24 days ago
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Iām going bowling today, sometimes i feel a bit disgusted when I think about the ball and how many fingers have been inside it. I assume itās very similar to thoughts your Dad had when he first met your Mum.
25 days ago
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Iāve run out of ice so now I need to find a cocktail that will go with frozen carrots.
26 days ago
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There should be a safe word for breakout rooms on Microsoft Teams.
27 days ago
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Hear me out⦠an App to track the Ice-Cream Van. You could plan your dinner round them, have the cash ready and be standing in the road ready for their arrival. Everyoneās a winner. Thank you *takes a bow*
27 days ago
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If youāre approaching your forties and expecting to have a wild midlife crisis like they do on TV. Sit back down, because I can tell you now, all it will involve is introducing a few waistcoats into your wardrobe and youāll start to enjoy tomatoes a bit more.
28 days ago
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The steering wheel was that hot I had to wear oven gloves to drive the car.
28 days ago
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Iām not an alcoholic, the sun made me do it.
29 days ago
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I better dust off those Davina McCall workout DVDās. Because the weather app is telling me I have 24 hours to get my summer body ready.
about 1 month ago
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Iāve requested in my will that my ashes are kept in a Henry hoover bag.
about 1 month ago
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1 in every 14 humans will get reincarnated into one of those little fish that nibbles away at the dead skin on peopleās feet.
about 1 month ago
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Itās a well known fact that nobody has correctly spelt ādiarrhoeaā on their first attempt.
about 1 month ago
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Can we just agree that life imprisonment is the punishment for having ketchup on a roast dinner.
about 1 month ago
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Iād fucking love to be on Eurovision, I canāt sing or dance but looking at some of the past acts, I donāt think thatās essential.
about 1 month ago
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I had a dream last night that I went out for a run and I was attacked by giant mechanical spiders. Mad isnāt it, as if I would ever go out for a run.
about 1 month ago
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The weather today has been more unpredictable than your Mum after a bottle of Lambrini.
about 1 month ago
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I once got stung by a jellyfish and was told urine would help. I think it was a lie to be honest, because all it did for me was leave a funny taste in my mouth.
about 1 month ago
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I know I have spinach inbetween my teeth but I like to refer to it as a garnish.
about 1 month ago
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If you check your dogs phone, youāll find over a hundred photos heās taken of you sleeping because he thought you looked cute.
about 1 month ago
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Iāve been sponsoring a donkey for the last five years, I appreciate the money is all for a good cause but heās not once attempted to complete a marathon.
about 1 month ago
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Seagulls are the Sopranos of the sky.
about 1 month ago
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Iām usually quite good at Maths but even I canāt work out this stool to table ratio.
about 1 month ago
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When I interview at work, once Iāve asked the questions, I ask the candidate to pop a balloon to reveal if theyāve been hired or not. Itās always a No, but at least they get to have a little fun before they leave.
about 2 months ago
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If I went to the Met Gala, Iād blow all of their minds with my outfit choice of Jeans and a nice top.
about 2 months ago
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If Iām honest, itās the unflattering dresses that would put me off joining a cult.
about 2 months ago
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I donāt know if this ever happened in Star Wars as I havenāt seen them all. But I hope at some point they used their lightsabers to chop up fruit and veg.
about 2 months ago
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I drank half a bottle of wine yesterday, then left the rest because āI didnāt fancy itā. I donāt know who I am anymore.
about 2 months ago
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Shit gig working in an ice cream van, sure the sun is out so you can make a load of cash. But you also have to spend all day in a hot transit van listening to the same jingle on loop.
about 2 months ago
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Iāve had the maddest things said to me today. āYouāre so cleverā āyouāre so funnyā āI love your outfitā āWow, youāre amazingā āAre you ok, you keep talking to yourselfā
about 2 months ago
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Iām not saying all lifts are bullshitters but have you ever stepped in one without questioning the maximum capacity sign.
about 2 months ago
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Iāll be Celebrating St. Georgeās Day by painting a few roundabouts .
about 2 months ago
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No one tells you when you hit forty youāll become addicted to the promises from multivitamins.
2 months ago
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