I’m not saying all lifts are bullshitters but have you ever stepped in one without questioning the maximum capacity sign.

I’ll be Celebrating St. George’s Day by painting a few roundabouts .

No one tells you when you hit forty you’ll become addicted to the promises from multivitamins.

I’m sure the smoking ban will be a good thing, but it’s also sad that kids will never get to share a pack of B&H with their mates down the park.

That sense of achievement when you have a decent nights sleep. I’m expecting pats on the back, congratulations and maybe even a card and some flowers when I tell people this news.

My toxic trait is thinking I could do the travelator at the end of the obstacle course on The Gladiators.

Hear me out, an Intravenous line but for wine. I’m aware that rhymes, I can’t help having all these talents.

This might blow your mind and I’m not sure if I’m a bit psychic but I guarantee if you’re reading this… you’ve never peeled a lemon.

Do you think the family members of the astronauts on Artemis ll are sick of looking at their moon photos yet?

Standing in the wine aisle picking up the bottles and reading the labels, ‘Bold, floral with hints of cedar’ yeah that’s great but what percentage is it.

I’m going to get drunk later and tell ChatGPT to fuck off.

All the pub gardens are busy, this is why the UK can’t have sun all the time, we’d be raging alcoholics and have to pay for our pints on Klarna.

I had a ladybug on my car windscreen for 33 Miles, I’ve done my calculations, if that was a taxi run, it would have cost him at least sixty five quid. He didn’t even ask me what time I was on till. Fucking liberty.

I feel like doing something reckless, like getting a tattoo, taking drugs or putting a film on after 8pm.

My long term goal in life is that one day I can quit my job, not because I’ve worked hard, but because someone has accidentally deposited a shit load of cash into my bank account.

The sun is out and I’m at work, today would be the perfect time for them to start arranging trips like we had at school, I’d be well up for a little coach trip to a farm or a medieval hut.

Sperm Whales are known for being the most resilient due to the constant mocking they receive from others about their name.

My favourite way to eat a Creme Egg is with a knife and fork.

If you have a couple of bottles of wine before you hide the eggs, you’ll forget where you left them, then tomorrow you’ll get to join in the Easter Egg hunt too.

Imagine giving your dog mouth to snout then realising he was just asleep the whole time. FFS Linda, that’s the third time this week.

When you sit down to eat your Easter Eggs, just remember they only exist because of the love Jesus had for Dairy Milk chocolate.

Horse riders say they’re not selfish, but i bet they’ve never stopped to ask the horse if it would like to ride on their back.

I appreciate his efforts but if Jesus had waited another couple of days before resurrecting we could have dragged out Easter weekend into a whole week.

If you don’t have a Tesco Clubcard the clock went forward two hours.

Really disappointed in the police, having had to phone and report a crime, they told me that my neighbour has every right to hang wind chimes in their garden as according to them “it’s not illegal”. It feels like it should be.

Next on George Clark’s Amazing Spaces we have Jill and John who have converted a pothole on the M62 into an eco friendly weekend retreat.

Mad to think you can spend eighty quid on a theatre ticket and you still need a pair of binoculars to watch it.

I’m going to start bringing boiled eggs into the office, but each day they’ll get progressively bigger until it’s perfectly normal that I’m sat munching on an ostrich egg.

I used to think i was still young at heart, until yesterday, when I spotted a person pressure washing their drive and for a moment I was genuinely envious because it looked quite satisfying.

It’s going to be 18° today, this is what’s on my bingo card: •people in shorts •convertibles with the roof down •A shirtless man holding a can of Stella •A whiff of a barbecue • Brenda still in her big coat and bobble hat because you can’t trust the British weather •Rain

Happy St Patricks Day to all those that are Irish. And to all of those that pretend to be part Irish because their Granny’s half brother’s, next door neighbour once had a pint of Guinness in Dublin.

Heading into work on Monday and being asked what I did over the weekend. I’ll say not much but what I really mean is, I drank wine, ate crisps and generated AI photos of animals to see what they’d look like fat.

When you have to commentate the rugby at 8pm but have the washing up to do at 10pm.

Those videos that say ‘I wish I’d known this sooner’ then they proceed to wash the colour off a packet of skittles, wax a kiwi or replace their laces with spaghetti. Mate, it’s ok not to know everything.

When I die, I’d like my ashes to be put into those seasoning sachets that you find in noodles.

If you put a shell to your ear, you’ll hear the sea. If you put a snail shell to your ear, you’ll hear it calling you an arsehole.

When prisoners are due to go out for exercise but it’s raining, they have inside play.

Anyone local to me fancy going out for a run? Yeah, excellent, grab me a bottle of wine on your way back.

While driving I noticed the car door wasn’t shut properly, to rectify it, I had to open the door whilst in motion. I know, It was pretty wild and now I have to go and update my CV with ‘performs my own stunts’.

Using my bra to slingshot rotten tomatoes at guys that say ‘But when’s international Men’s Day’

The longest recorded game of monopoly lasted for 70 days. “I’m just calling to let you know I’m safe, I started a game of Monopoly just after Christmas, I’ve been in Jail 27 times but please don’t worry about me as Sharon’s just started doing sexual favours to pay her rent”

As an adult, I’ve been mostly disappointed about the lack of people to throw things in my direction and shout ‘hot potato’.

Just off to apologise to my big coat for prematurely putting it away after the sun came out yesterday.

It’s World Book Day and my daughter has gone to school dressed as a minion. Not really a character from a book but if you watch the film with the sound off and the subtitles on, that should cover it.

If female robots had mechanical genitals, the vagina would be fitted with a bulb, so everytime it was opened, it would light up like a fridge.

Did you know, that the biggest cause of death in rabbits, is from magicians who forget to pull them from their hats.

Curious to know, If I laid on the floor and covered myself in jam, how many ants it would take to carry me away?

You know what, the world is too negative, to spread some love, when I’m out and I see a ‘how am I driving’ sticker on the back of a van, I’ll call it and tell them that they’re driving like a Boss.

It’s just a thought, but we could probably send some kids out to paper mache a few potholes. Call it a community art project and it’s completely ethical.

You all need to stop pretending that cottage cheese tastes nice.