When prisoners are due to go out for exercise but it’s raining, they have inside play.

Anyone local to me fancy going out for a run? Yeah, excellent, grab me a bottle of wine on your way back.

While driving I noticed the car door wasn’t shut properly, to rectify it, I had to open the door whilst in motion. I know, It was pretty wild and now I have to go and update my CV with ‘performs my own stunts’.

Using my bra to slingshot rotten tomatoes at guys that say ‘But when’s international Men’s Day’

The longest recorded game of monopoly lasted for 70 days. “I’m just calling to let you know I’m safe, I started a game of Monopoly just after Christmas, I’ve been in Jail 27 times but please don’t worry about me as Sharon’s just started doing sexual favours to pay her rent”

As an adult, I’ve been mostly disappointed about the lack of people to throw things in my direction and shout ‘hot potato’.

Just off to apologise to my big coat for prematurely putting it away after the sun came out yesterday.

It’s World Book Day and my daughter has gone to school dressed as a minion. Not really a character from a book but if you watch the film with the sound off and the subtitles on, that should cover it.

If female robots had mechanical genitals, the vagina would be fitted with a bulb, so everytime it was opened, it would light up like a fridge.

Did you know, that the biggest cause of death in rabbits, is from magicians who forget to pull them from their hats.

Curious to know, If I laid on the floor and covered myself in jam, how many ants it would take to carry me away?

You know what, the world is too negative, to spread some love, when I’m out and I see a ‘how am I driving’ sticker on the back of a van, I’ll call it and tell them that they’re driving like a Boss.

It’s just a thought, but we could probably send some kids out to paper mache a few potholes. Call it a community art project and it’s completely ethical.

You all need to stop pretending that cottage cheese tastes nice.

Six planets are lining up tonight, in the horoscope world that means you should begin to relax because they’re coming for Uranus.

When you commit to having a lazy day at home, then the sun comes out and tries to guilt trip you into going out. Don’t fuck me with me, I know it’s going to rain again soon.

If I had a clone of myself, knowing my luck, I’d be the one going out to work while they went off down the pub to get drunk and dance on tables.

Sorry, I can’t come out, I’m spending the weekend searching EBay for an authentic Countdown winners teapot.

Sitting here patiently waiting to the win the Euro millions. Then I’ll fuck off onto my big boat and spend my days skimming pound coins into the sea.

Do you think the first person that decided to start feeding ducks bread, threw the whole loaf at them?

Today the sun was shining, no coat was needed and I saw Lambs… I can hear the beer garden calling my name… we’ll be together again soon.

Occasionally, I meet people and I automatically know, that when they were children they would pretend the sweets in their Pez dispenser was medication.

Nobody told me that in your 40’s you start using scent boosters and sniffing your clean laundry becomes one of life’s greatest pleasures.

Adding a bit of spice to the bedroom by eating a bag of Flamin Hot Monster Munch in bed.

Telling the younger generation that when we were their age, we managed to survive leaving the house each day without having to carry a 2 litre water bottle with us.

That moment when you realise you forgot to delete your internet history.

Prince Andrew’s Birthday Cake has just arrived at the Police Station.

I have a feeling that Prince Andrew’s inability to perspire might have been cured this morning.

I was considering giving up alcohol for lent. But I decided not to, as the best self discipline, is to never give up.

If you wondered how the new year, new me was going. I’ve just had the police turn up to complete a welfare check. Apparently they had a call from my Gym who have reported me missing.

It’s a well known fact that it doesn’t matter how innocent your wrist injury is, it’s the duty of others to suggest that its the result of too much masturbation.

Those hench kangaroos that look like skippy on steroids, they’ll take over the world one day, you just wait.

Somewhere in a Parallel Universe…

If we’re all honest, the best thing about pancake day is being able to walk into the office and shout ‘Morning Tossers’.

You should all follow this… I’d buy you all chocolate to say thank you but I don’t want to be responsible for your diabetes.

Jesus once fell out with his disciples when he stumbled across their WhatsApp group and found them mocking him about the time he used beard wax to curl the end of his moustache.

The roads round here are more holey than the bible.

If I won a Gold medal, the first thing I would do, is see how much they’re selling for on EBay.

I get so many flowers left on my doorstep on Valentines Day, the neighbours think I’ve passed away.

Popping a couple of paracetamol for my achy legs. Why, what strenuous activities have you been doing, I hear you ask… Sitting, I’ve been sitting on my arse for too long.

If I was in a fight, my weapon of choice would be a reclining aeroplane seat.

I don’t usually condone the use of drugs but I am partial to a bottle of Calpol.

I’ve done the calculations and I can confirm that 8 days in February is the equivalent to 8 hours in January.

I’m watching the Winter Olympics, humans are out there skiing down hills at 125km/h. I get dizzy if I stand up too fast.

I almost set an alarm, imagine that going off at 6:30am on a Saturday morning interrupting me staring at my phone because I’ve already been awake an hour.

I don’t think you ever forget the first time you see the size of a Tuna fish and you realise the great efforts that people are going to in order to fit it in that small tin.

Just wondering how fish deal with the ‘don’t eat before swimming’ rule.

My pedometer is telling me that I’ve only walked about 100 steps today. Yeah, well, what if they were really big steps, you judgemental little bitch.

You’d think by 41 years of age, I’d be a pro at drinking, but no, here I am, headache, tender and looking online to see if Amazon sell intravenous drips.

It’s just occurred to me that the reason you never see dolphins wear hats, is because they would suffocate.