Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, but it's just me trying to find my charging cord my 14yo took in his messy room.

"This is extortion." -Me to the popup demanding I give them my email to unlock the print button for the recipe on their ad-covered page

Me: Kids are at school, the husband is gone. Finally some peace and quiet. *sees tree removal company trucks pull up across the street at my neighbor's house* Me: Crap.

My kid after finding the remote control using the TV app: What did you do when you couldn't find the remote when you were a kid? Me: We didn't have a TV with a remote until I was a little older than you. My kid: No remote control?! Me: I was the remote control.

"I should've appreciated you and spent more time with you when I was younger. I'm sorry I took you for granted." -me, talking to the sleep I'm about to try and get

Nobody: Me: I wonder how that pen pal from France I paid $1 for in first grade and exchanged two letters with before never hearing from her again is.

Hide and Seek, but it's just me looking for all the cups and mugs my 14yo and husband have accumulated in different rooms.

Not to brag, but I actually could believe it wasn't butter.

People are putting up Christmas decorations already while I'm over here deciding how long I can put off taking my Halloween decorations down.

If teleportation existed, my husband would still be late to everything.

Men: Hey, baby, what's your sign? Me:

New Olympic event: Cats running down stairs knowing their food’s just been put out.

Bro, I know babies that create better content in their diapers than you do on your social media.

The weird sounds coming from the bedroom are just me trying on some jeans.

Every October, I still look for the kid I used to be, running down the street in a plastic mask.

One day I will be able to wash a ladle and not spray water all over myself but today is not that day.

You don’t have to like me, but, you know, you could.

The Monday after the clock change is the only day my kids make it to class on time, so I’ll be rolling the clocks back one hour every Sunday of the school year

Babybel just autocorrected to baby elephants.

I was helping my son with his english homework and I told him that a smidgen was a small pigeon so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Me: I'm going to step inside my comfort zone. Husband: Don't you mean step outside your comfort zone? *wearing several layers of flannel pajamas, wrapped in a blanket, with sock slippers and a beanie hat on* Me: Nope.

Looking forward to my annual "Why is it so dark already? What time is it? It feels like midnight at 5:00 p.m.!" rant that the end of daylight savings brings.

Starting to think my husband believes repeatedly talking about how he's going to do something but not actually taking any action will somehow get the task done.

Generational wealth, but it's just my 8yo inheriting all his brother's Minecraft clothes and pajama hand-me-downs now that he's gone up a size.

It's funny how my husband and kids can never find an object they're looking for that's right out in the open, but somehow can always find the candy and snacks I hide.

Me: Move your cup away from the edge of the table so you don't knock it off the table. *8yo doesn't listen and knocks cup over a few minutes later* 8yo: Whoa, how'd you know that would happen? Are you psychic? Me: No, I'm a mom.

Random things that pop into my head for no reason at all: that merman from Cabin in the Woods.

Going as a zombie for Halloween, because I don't have to use any makeup or wear a costume to look the part these days.

Fake drawstrings on sweatpants had to be invented by the same jerks who designed women's jeans with faux pockets.

Whenever my 14yo acts like he knows everything, I remind him he used to be adamant that there was an East Virginia since there was a West Virginia.

Restaurants that get me hooked on a meal but say it's "for a limited time only" are the reason I have trust issues.

I'm not sure why it's so hard for my husband and sons to figure out if the dishwasher has clean or dirty dishes in it, but it must be inherited from the Y chromosome.

If you're looking for a fall festival that won't cost you a dime, consider coming to experience autumn in my yard.

Fall is great because every time I run my dryer the little corn pieces from the pumpkin patch magically appear

In other news, a woman managed not to steal a large slice from the world’s most visited leftover cake sat in her kitchen today.

I'll be your hamburger AND your helper

Being dull is where I shine.

Have you tried buying a new brand of menthol gel about it?

Gimme something to eat while I decide what to eat.

Giving out major “don’t sit next to me” vibes at this party.

Look guys, we're all in this together. Let's stop making things more difficult than they need to be. -me to my eyes, joints, back, and any other middle-aged body part rebelling against me

My husband's vision board would just be different dinners and meals he hopes I'll make.

Sometimes my life feels like a Mr. Beast challenge, but without the monetary incentive.

I won't stand for people's nonsense and shenanigans. But I will sit down for them. Possibly with a bowl of popcorn.

If I could be as committed to my good habits as I am to my bad habits, I'd be unstoppable.

Husband: I think you might be going overboard with your love for pumpkin spice. Me: What makes you say that? *adding chicken breasts to marinate in a bowl full of pumpkin spice latte*

I know better than to read anything aloud if I come across any ancient or mysterious-looking books.

I'm just a middle-aged mom, standing in front of a room, asking it what the hell I came in here for.

Nothing makes me question my intelligence more than trying to pronounce Worcestershire sauce correctly.

Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's AI.