3 am: Me: oh god please let me sleep Brain: wonder if you put a cowboy hat on a crow it would say YEE-CAW…..

Nothing is more disappointing than when I think, "I'm getting hungry" in the evening, and the realization hits that I'm the one making dinner.

Stuffing all the bad food in the refrigerator at night because you’re afraid it might turn good.

Make someone immediately feel better about themselves by telling them your problems.

Have you ever had a banana string stick to your finger and completely ruin your entire day?

Is there a way to turn "Sleep Study Participant" into a full-time job?

If birth control was made of chocolate, there'd be no unplanned pregnancies.

Oh crap, I accidentally said exactly what I wanted to, again.

The only rapture happening around here today is my husband mysteriously disappearing when I ask if he can finally fix the broken thing he said he'd fix two months ago. And my kids, when I ask them to do chores.

the most sexy thing a wife can do is tell her husband where something is for the hundredth time without sighing and rolling her eyes

I pulled a muscle cleaning yesterday, so I guess cleaning is now hazardous to my health.

Once again, my husband asked if I could swing by Costco on a Sunday to pick up a few things, despite knowing I have a firm "I don't go to Costco on weekends" stance. I'm pretty sure no one would blame me if I left him at this point.

Dieting seems like a great idea until you actually start dieting

I don't really need to be at my 8yo's soccer practices since my husband is the coach, but I go because watching him try to get eleven 8- to 10-year-old boys to pay attention, listen, and follow directions is highly entertaining.

Doctors don't follow people around and hit them with a stick when they're dumb anymore, and I think it's sad.

Having kids is like trying to sweep the floor while your house is burning to the ground.

Don't worry, you'll find the lost scissors when you'll be searching for your glasses

Them: if you know what I mean… Me: I never know what anyone means

Formal Introduction in today’s time - hi, this is my family and these are their phones.

Sometimes I forget I’m an adult who can buy socks and underwear anytime I want without having to wait until Christmas.

Cheese, but at what cost

My to-do list today comes from a long line of to-do today lists, each of which also come from an even longer line of to-do today lists.

I don’t know if that’s my style My teen niece: you don’t have a style

*8yo tells us about something he learned in school* 8yo: It happened a really long time ago. Way back in the 1900s, in 1988. Me: That's not that long ago. I was born in the 1970s. 8yo: Wow, you're really old.

You might not be able to count on much, but you can always count on a chin hair to grow from barely there to 3 inches overnight.

Me: Everyone deserves a good, long soak in the tub now and then. Enjoy! *me talking to the dishes soaking in the sink and justifying why I'm leaving them there overnight instead of washing them now*

I want to be able to sleep through anything the way my tired 8yo slept soundly through the second half of Monster Jam, the least quiet event on the planet.

"Flaunt it if you got it," I say as I carry around my 65-count bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins.

I went to Costco and accidentally walked by the section with the Halloween candy, and a 65-count bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins just fell into my cart. I took it as a sign and bought it, because I didn't want to offend the Universe.

*husband leaves to run a bunch of errands* Me: I'll be able to get so much done while he's gone. *husband calls every 10 minutes to ask questions while on errands*

Having a teenager has given me a new admiration for my parents, seeing how they didn't try to get rid of me or go insane with everything my teenage self put them through.

Like phones can detect other phones, glasses should be able to find other glasses.

You know those Highlights “circle what’s wrong” pictures? I’m about to take a pic of my kids’ bathroom counter and hand one a pen.

Congrats for declaring how smart you are, too bad silly me only wants silly

Just overheard a neighbor mom yell, “Where are your pants? Why did you take them off?” And it feels good to not be the one saying it this time.

“Please don’t make me beg”, people begging.

7yo: No one can lift 500 pounds. 4yo: Hulk can.

Just had a delivery from a courier that could have been The Terminator. He looked like him, spoke like him and had the same manner. I expect, at some point, he’ll be back.

Some buttons want to be pushed

The passive aggressive way I hand wash the dishes because I don’t want to unload the dishwasher and no one else in this house will do it either.

Gave myself a little treat* today. *only washed loads of towels and sheets

No one lies more than I do when an app asks me to review it and I select "maybe later."

My 8yo was complaining how when his friend was over, he'd just drop any toy he played with on the ground and made a huge mess. I said it sounded like someone I know. And my son asked who.

The person I am when I wake up on a weekday is a completely different person than the one who wakes up super early on the weekend to rush out the door to my kid's soccer game.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you...or does the laundry.

My husband could have an extra arm start growing out his butt, and he'd say, "It's probably nothing" and refuse to go to the doctor.

Oh, I'm sorry. Were you trying to look at something, and I got in the way...again? -my eye floaters

I don't want your email to find me well. I want your email to find me holding the winning lottery ticket for a multimillion dollar jackpot.

Me: I'm not old. My phone:

Trends come and go. But overly plucked eyebrows that don't grow back are forever.