I think about how Mr. Owl ate that poor kid's Tootsie Roll Pop after three licks a lot more than any person probably should.

You're not the boss of me. My fitness watch is.

Husband: What are you thinking about? *some commercial jingle plays nonstop in my head* Me: About how much I love you.

Who needs ChatGPT when your teen knows absolutely everything about everything?

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I go into day four of listening to my husband talk for hours about his football team losing the playoffs and their head coach leaving.

My 8yo calls anything that isn’t sweatpants or athletic pants “weird pants”, and as someone who mostly lives in leggings and sweatpants, I get it.

A game of chicken, but it's just me and my neighbor seeing who will be the first to stop turning on their Christmas lights.

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on how something should be cooked or baked for someone who doesn't cook or bake.

Nothing is more disappointing than getting a huge task accomplished that you've been putting off forever, only to wake up and realize it was just a dream. I still get partial credit for it though, right?

Yes, that’s right. I was expecting a new one but this year is the same as the last. No, I don’t want to be put through to a different department. Can I exchange it for 2001 at least?

I saw a thing that said babies born this year will be entering high school in the year 2040 which does not even sound like a real year.

I’m not saying the full moon caused this, but it’s the most reasonable explanation available.

what if tornadoes and hurricanes never dissipated but just kept roaming the earth - thoughts that keep me up at night

Me: let’s kiss and make up already My lipstick:

The rule is that if you forget to take one decoration down, it must stay up until the following Christmas.

I’m not ready to see Valentine’s stuff in stores yet, I need at least a month after the holidays to remember that I love my relatives

People expect too much from other people.

Me: *hands 6yo a shirt* 6yo: Not that one. Me: Then pick one. 6yo: *spends 7 minutes evaluating her entire wardrobe like it’s the Met Gala* Also 6yo: *chooses the same shirt* Parenting is just…this.

If you start your day off folding the five baskets of laundry you've been avoiding like the plague, it can only go up from there.

"Why can't you all keep your butts at home?!!!" -what I yell whenever I have to drive on the Interstate in traffic

Out with the old, in with the new. -my 8yo's loose tooth embracing the New Year's spirit last night

If by New Year's Resolutions, you mean the list of cheeses I plan to eat in 2026, then yes, I made a list of New Year's Resolutions.

8yo: Why are you listening to soft music without words? Me: Because I'm old.

Snack quietly and carry a big purse. -an old proverb about sneaking food into the movie theater

Personal development guru: Nothing good in life happens unless you struggle for it. *trying hard to open a package of bacon* Me: So true.

I'm just thinking of December 26th through January 1st as one long Saturday to save myself the hassle of wondering what day it is every morning.

🎶On the third day of Christmas, my children gave to me, a headache from all their bickering.🎶

If he didn't give you two turtle doves today, he's not your true love, ladies.

Happy Deeply Discounted Holiday Candy Day to all who celebrate!

Me: There's so much to do today! Also me: *sits down for "just a minute" to scroll funny memes.

8yo: What's something dangerous you used to do when you were a kid? Me: Eat Cap N' Crunch cereal.

As a kid, I was afraid of monsters under my bed, quicksand, and white cargo vans with no windows. As an adult, I'm afraid of unknown phone numbers calling me, driving at night, and having to figure out what's for dinner every day.

Me: I'm not old. Also me: Ooooooooh, a Jazz Christmas playlist. That's right up my alley.

*changes the number of days on the Christmas countdown* 8yo: Only 6 days until Christmas. Maybe 7.

Stages of holiday shopping 1. Plenty of time 2. Gifts for myself 3. Oh no

PSA: When you see kids not wearing coats in cold weather, there's a 95% chance their parents tried to get them to wear one.

One day you’re young and enthusiastic, and next day you don’t even climb the steps on the escalator while riding it.

No pain, no gain. But also, no complain.

Got tired of everyone constantly tossing the throw pillows onto the floor, so I started calling them "floor pillows," and now they're always on the couch.

I caught a nasty bug that put me down for a few days, and my husband had to do more around the house and shuttle the kids to and from school, so he one-upped me and got a kidney stone.

Girls who just want to have fun often grow up to be middle-aged women who just want to sleep.

Not to brag, but my music app recap says I was a Top 0.6% listener of HUNTR/X and played "Golden" an absurd amount of times for a woman in her late 40s.

Forget candy- if a man pulled up with a van and told my kids there was a scavenger hunt inside, they’d be goners.

I don’t hold grudges, I just remember everything forever like a spiteful little historian.

I don’t care if I have three kids, a job and a mortgage, sometimes I need an adult to make the decisions for me

Nothing like walking out of a meeting with someone you don’t really know and saying your final good to see yous; thinking you’d then walk off in different directions. To find that you are actually walking the same way for another 30 seconds. In silence.

Them: it’s your problem not ours Me: wait for it

Has anyone seen my husband? The one here is dressed like my husband, talks like my husband and took the bin bag out like my husband. BUT this one put a new bin bag straight in afterwards.

There is no alternative to sleep.

When you said that you don’t like chocolates, it sounded like you said that you don’t like chocolates.