when someone emojis your email it means the conversation is done

What started off as 1 cardboard box we thought the cat could have to sit in, became 2 and then 3 with various deliveries. They’re all sat in a line for her to choose from. The 1st she can lie down in, the 2nd is for sitting squished upright in and the 3rd fits only her front paws.

My husband has been hiccuping for five minutes. I can’t live like this anymore.

Don’t pick up Don’t pick up Don’t pick up Me every time I have to call someone

Husband texting after work: I’m just leaving. Anything you want? Me: Instant success. Me: If not, cleaning spray.

Does anyone know where my shoes are?

The forgotten work bag banana held its own.

An automatic door at the petrol station opened, but no one went in or came out.

I stood in the cereal aisle for fifteen minutes, paralyzed by the dilemma of "Honey Nut" versus "Frosted." —This is how they break you.

There’s no excuse for my behavior, I googled it.

Do the people who post a vegetable in the exact shape of a hippopotamus, saying you’re left brained if you see a cat and right brained if you see a goat, know that they could not post at all?

I’m way too introverted to join an introverts anonymous.

I saw a video that was like How to elevate your look. Well, I have started adding a white T-shirt under things cause it’s cold.

The best messages are from mums. “Yes, something (her glasses) went crunch & I thought what am I kneeling on. Anyway a tiny little girl at Specsavers, with huge hair confidently put them together again. A bit like Humpty Dumpty.”

Therapist: what’s stressing you out? Me: yes

“Absolutely not” is way more satisfying than just saying “no.”

“If you want something done right, do it yourself” me: pours myself a drink

Just sent my husband a little reminder list of things to get: - Bread - Milk - Fire extinguisher as his car caught fire don’t ask

Just said "Right, we need to get our skates on to the cat."

The cat just walked over my keyboard, entering the password incorrectly as she went.

A new year seems a bit excessive, I’d like it to be gently used.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me 55 times and then I’m done.

Me: Look, he’s (husband) letting his hair down. Miss 12: He hasn’t got any hair.

Went to the eye doctor and they dilated my eyes. Now I’m driving to work like a Beanie Boo behind the wheel.

Just said waterchris instead of watercress. Short for waterchristopher.

And into the final hour of work where I don't think I can summon up the energy. Go on without me.

Not Jeff or Geoff, but a secret third Jeoff.

Get up or make my quilt into an igloo?

The rule is that if you forget to take one decoration down, it must stay up until the following Christmas.

I just wanna be able to have a pet cat that speaks English I don’t think that’s too much to ask

They told me to "think outside the box." I did. Now I'm stranded out here, and the box had all the instructions for how to get back in.

Yes, that’s right. I was expecting a new one but this year is the same as the last. No, I don’t want to be put through to a different department. Can I exchange it for 2001 at least?

Nothing says Narnia more than the inside of our wardrobe to the cat.

Welcome to your 50s: You lose your phone, so you look for your phone… to call your phone.

2̶0̶2̶1̶ 2̶0̶2̶2̶ 2̶0̶2̶3̶ 2̶0̶2̶4̶ 2̶0̶2̶5̶ 2026 will be my year.

[being murdered] murderer: *murdering* Me: (realizing i won’t ever have to go back to work) thank you for this

The scales at this stage of Christmas are for purely decorative purposes only.

I'm being judged

Sometimes I start talking and hope it ends well.

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some hard truths about myself

No YOU were looking for the instruction booklet that came with your daughter’s new radio alarm clock whilst reading the instruction booklet.

I have forty films in my top five.

How I’m walking out of 2025…

Unsolicited Rick pic

For years I have been using concealer the wrong way. To achieve a flawless look, I’m now applying it over my entire head and climbing inside a box.

This was the best Bond:

A Christmas miracle is getting up from wrapping presents on the floor.

Autocorrect changed Father Christmas to Fatter Christmas and I don’t like what it’s inferring. Also yes.

I just connected with a man on LinkedIn who looks like Father Christmas. In fact, that’s the only reason I linked up with him.

One day you’re young and enthusiastic, and next day you don’t even climb the steps on the escalator while riding it.