Taken my make up off to practise scaring the kids.

I'm not the same person I was a week ago when I decided to drastically reduce the amount of sugar I consume.

Sees a model in a sales catalogue promoting new underwear range, whilst lounging on a nice sofa. It has the headline “The ultimate in comfort.“ Just what I want I thought, immediately checking to see where the comfy sofa is from.

Blue sky.

I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled with my thumb.

Chaka Khan’s 𝘐 𝘍𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘍𝘰𝘳 𝘠𝘰𝘶 is my favorite song about trying to find someone in a dark room.

Happy 30th wedding anniversary to my aunt and uncle, pictured here with their still-at-home son Howard.

"Ed Sheeran" sounds like a drunk person trying to remember the name "Edward Scissorhands"

The cat miaowed directly after I sneezed. Obviously saying bless you.

Does it count if you are touching grass with one hand and scrolling with the other.

It’s so annoying when the other person on a call has a cold as well as you. Firstly, no sympathy, and, secondly, you have to spend at least the first 5 minutes out-colding each other.

Man on the DLR: Are you prepared for today’s meeting? Woman: No. Man: It’s at 9am. Woman: I know it’s at 9am, Dave. And I remain, unprepared.

Nothing angers people more than someone posting off-topic in a Facebook group. No Brian, you can’t make a comment about your mother-in-law’s special technique when using the washing machine. This is a gardening group.

Ladies and Gentlemen For the first time this year... October!

Thanks for having more problems than me. I feel better already.

Feels like a bring a pillow into the office kind of day.

Had a Teams call the other day. Person 1: Had a beautifully framed picture and perfectly positioned plant behind her. Person 2: Had a stylish wall lamp with a feature wall of statement wallpaper behind her. Me: The fridge.

Getting ready for bed makes little sense. You’ve got to wake yourself up to go to sleep.

Them (younger generation): what did you use when there was no Internet, Google, or ChatGPT?... Me: brain!

I Survived a Smartphone Update In Which The Fonts and Layout Were Slightly Changed

“You’re weird” is a compliment.

I said hello to a man’s very friendly dog with my best silly dog voice and it occurred to me that the man might think that I speak like that normally.

I can achieve anything I set my mind to unless it’s slightly inconvenient.

I don’t mind going gray. I just wish they didn’t show up doing this.

Said hello to the cat and she did a quick check behind her to make sure I wasn’t saying hello to anyone else.

Miss 12 poured out a drink so full that it was essentially an infinite pool.

Thrilled to report I’ve just about had it

Not knowing what’s happening at any given moment still working for me.

Look, I'll have a weekend but I will not make it great... that's where I draw the line

Love is patient, love is kind, love is not sitting next to me while you eat so I don’t have to listen to you chew.

What do you mean I’m fast forwarding it, I say indignantly to my husband as I try to rewind the programme we’re watching with the remote upside down.

The word for today is: hat

Big day for me. A box I've been saving for over 3 years was just perfect for something

I wrote “make,” it autocorrected to “cake.”

When my computer is updating is my paid vacation

If I could make a suggestion that after 50 we stop aging thanks.

My wife and I are at the age where we wake up, drink coffee and just continuously clear our throats for 45 mins.

Woman on the train: He has a vest on. A vest on he had. A vest! Her friend: Well at least he had something on.

so absentminded I have reminders set for my reminders

I have reached 666 followers on here. Today of all days.

Make someone immediately feel better about themselves by telling them your problems.

Went to a new place. Thought I had no expectations. Turns out I did. I had expectations.

This email could have been a shared look in a meeting.

when a big account notices your comment

Seen the list of Miss 12’s teachers on her new school’s website and the geography teacher is Mr J Blunt. I don’t want to meet him. In case it’s not..

I can do anything I set my mind to after panicking first.

The pressure of making a wish.

Shoutout to the areas of my eyebrows that are growing in the correct place.

It should be mandatory for employers to hand out chocolate cake on Friday afternoons.