I know you want to be friends, but walking circles around my house is not the way to win me over

I wave whenever I hear a failing exhaust because I figure it’s someone I know

It’s pretty scooters out there. Salty’s gonna start talking about himself in the 3rd person. Salty’s funny that way

Comin for you, Michael at Nordstrom

Oh no, it’s swiss cheese in a tiny bowl snack time.

When something I have breaks, a part of me goes to immediate acceptance that it is going to be like that forever. Whelp, it was nice having a trunk I guess.

Came home with lipstick on my collar. Totally innocent explanation, but try telling that to my empty apartment.

Whoa there cul-de-sac cowboy in your big ol' shiny truck. Are you ridin' to Dunks to round up some donuts with sprinkles?

Opening a screen door should sound like an old man bringing a can of dilly beans up from the cellar

We get pretty excited about epsom salt around here

sideburns being named after general burnsides sounds like one of those apocryphal folk legends except it's true. They're literally named after this guy

Me and a Carolina wren watching the sun slip down through the oaks and pitch pines, thinking about longer days

We had a pretty evening. So unusual.

It would almost be worth naming your baby Roy to talk about your little bundle of Roy.

I’ve seen fingerless gloves, but I would like gloves that are just fingers. I’m not saying they wouldn’t be hard to keep track of but think of the possibilities.

Apparently my “Jeopardy!” anecdote was a little too real for the network censors.

I am physically unable to go through a yellow light without saying "ha ha haa" in a menacing voice

Good morning, Skeethearts! ☕️☀️ 🩷 PSA for the day:

ever since i was a little girl i knew i wanted to be annoying online

Remember hearing a lot as a kid "felt like I got hit by a Mack truck." That's some weird brand recognition.

Middle age is mostly squinting at things and looking for things.

When I see a little mallard fly in for a landing, life is good

If only my husband and the downstairs neighbor could sync their chronic coughs.

I will break into your house to turn down the thermostat so help me

I like that on social media we all pause and look at the sky and share what we see and it's good. It's good.

10 out of 10 pieces of furniture prefer your little toe.

Outside my daughter’s house, Massachusetts #auroraborealis

Hobbies include shopping on eBay and lowballing Facebook Marketplace sellers.

My smartwatch says I slept for 3 hours and screamed for 5. It gave me a badge.

The spider in my shower should've known better.

Is there anything more reassuring than a creepy guy insisting he is not creepy?

I will roast you for 1000k

Ah why not? Here's another Barn Owl picture I have taken. This beauty was flying right towards me. #birds #birdphotography #photography #wildlifephotography #wildlife

" "Jury-rigged" refers to a clever temporary solution, whereas "jerry-rigged" refers to something that was poorly constructed in the first place." I never knew these were different terms with different meanings. You can Google the etymology. Interesting.

George Michael though

I’m at the “I love you guys” part of the wedding

Being autistic and curious about how I can enter a conversation at the right time. I have the answer to this. I don't.

When I get that feeling, I want affordable healing.

My mum just said to me "You should be hung like a horse". When I challenged her over saying such a thing, it transpires she thought it was a punishment horses got. Turns out she's been incorrectly using the phrase since the 90s in various settings

The only thing that stands between you and your dreams are all the things you suck at

a petty thing I feel very strongly about is that it should be illegal for a company to email you just because you visited its website. stop that. stop that at once. no I did not buy your item and now I WILL NEVER BUY YOUR ITEM.

He’s a 10 but he’s not into me

Sure now I can watch football on an 80-inch 4k TV above the fireplace but nothing will ever top watching SCTV on my 12-inch b/w on the floor next to my bed at 1 am.

This ginkgo tree is in my neighbors’ yard & I wish it was in mine but I’m glad I at least get to admire it 🥰 such a lovely thing.

I tried to whistle over a stray cat in my neighborhood and a woman walked by, who I worried thought I whistled at her. So I said “im whistling at the cat” but when I looked back down at it I realized it was just an old fast food bag

A windmill fell into a cranberry bog and I need to know if the cranberries are alright

Of course I don’t post selfies. Like normal people my age I grew up hating the way I looked

Someone on the old site once posted ‘have you ever owned a vinyl record?’ and instead of replying I withdrew to my horseless carriage and drove to the dry goods store to purchase a box of powdered milk

In B52’s “Tin Roof, Rusted” voice: The Vibes, Rancid