Whenever I feel homesick I go into a dive bar.

Not so long ago, all of us old guys would have been eaten by lions or died of tooth decay by now

They paved paradise and put up a pickleball court

It seems like part of being a print model is pulling on your jacket collar like it’s bothering you while you look up to see if the old garage gutter is dripping muck again.

said i was making jambalaya for dinner and immediately my dad and kids starting singing the jambalaya song and i wish i could bottle this spontaneous moment of joy and keep it with me forever

Amanita mascaria. NWT, Canada. #mushroom #fungi #fungifriends

Our mall is dying but on the bright side they turned the Abercrombie & Fitch into a doll house museum.

What this 50th anniversary slideshow tells me is that you didn’t pick your baby up enough.

I prefer the “idea” of people.

I kind of love the way the camera lingers for what seems an eternity on any letter or map in a Three Stooges episode. It’s like, take your time – we worked hard to make this bit funny and we want you to forget about your consumption or polio for a moment

I’ll draw a partial sun in the upper corner of the paper, but I’m gonna give it a full smiley face and some rays. We’re all doing the best we can.

I thought one had to live in Duxbury to have a *mustachio*. Live and learn.

Right after Bam-Bam's adoption had finally gone through, Betty Rubble discovered Barney had fathered a child out of Bedrock.

Trying to imagine what it'd take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I'd probably still just be like "I'm sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else's bowl of rats."

Never trust a dentist that advertises on Facebook Marketplace.

I get all of the exercise I need by pushing other people’s buttons

In my day, a charcuterie board was a sleeve of saltines on a cable spool table

After a long day, I get in the shower and squat like some kind of protohuman searching the shallows for crayfish and make grunting sounds while the hair conditioner works its magic

I'm sorry but "umami" just sounds made up

Memories so old they're in black and white

Just set my email autoreply to the word DON'T in 72pt bold caps

the most tenacious of all bells are the jingle bells

The store is out of peppermint extract, so I looked up to see if I could use something else and it turns out you can easily make it. You just need some fresh mint leaves, some vodka, and a number of months.

Wish I could see my kids' faces when they realize the only thing in my will is the Scrabble diamond anniversary edition

I’d always known that my wife had difficulty admitting mistakes, but one day in 2016, I pointed out that she’d entered our address incorrectly into the GPS. She denied it, and we arrived at the home of a lovely elderly couple named Burt and Anna, whom we’ve lived with ever since.

10,000 Maniacs in 1997 is worth about 20,200 Maniacs today.

Spatula is a beautiful name for a baby girl

It’s hard not to feel like ISIS when you’re driving around in a rented box truck.

I thought trimming my beard like Wolverine would make me look cool but | just look like his fat Italian cousin Wolveroni.

Massachusetts is all, “Did you buy something from New Hampshire? You better tell us. If you don’t tell us, we’re gonna find out. We have ways. And you’re gonna owe us a 6.25% cut.” like some kind of mob boss.

If you use a Sharpie to draw a big “S” on the shampoo bottle, you are my people.

The account that brought you such bangers as “omg lol” and “omg lolz”

I have 109 tabs open and they’re all asking for a six digit code

Two dings don't make a dong

One time, 7 years ago someone spammed me so hard about nothing that I put her on Do Not Disturb. She is still in time out. I see her texts when I see them.

I stand by my favorable review of the music in that Burger King commercial

Whoever made plant based cheese, who hurt you?

My boss: please stop using air quotes every time you say work

Him: You got your 𝘉𝘓𝘌𝘈𝘊𝘏 in my 𝘈𝘔𝘔𝘖𝘕𝘐𝘈! Her: 𝘠𝘰𝘶 got your 𝘈𝘔𝘔𝘖𝘕𝘐𝘈 in my 𝘉𝘓𝘌𝘈𝘊𝘏! Announcer: 𝘛𝘞𝘖 𝘎𝘙𝘌𝘈𝘛 𝘚𝘔𝘌𝘓𝘓𝘚 𝘛𝘏𝘈𝘛 𝘚𝘔𝘌𝘓𝘓 𝘎𝘙𝘌𝘈𝘛 𝘛𝘖𝘎𝘌𝘛𝘏--

Texting my therapist right before the appt "coming in hot"

Printers these days… mine just told me to “remove and shake cyan cartridge”

I think I’m a nice person until I hear the things I say when I’m watching HGTV.

Joseph Cornell

me, being mauled by a dog: please make him stop. the owner of the dog who is mauling me: it’s a she.

My ticket plus parking cost $500. I do not want to see a fan pulled up on stage to perform.

i wanna be put in airplane mode

This e-card could have been something meaningful.

I’m sorry, it’s just that the last time I saw you, you were a veterinarian.

I have been teaching at Brown University for 16 years, and have considered campus and Providence as one of the safest places I've ever lived in the U.S. Still, it's happened here. My heart goes out to those students and families as they deal with this. We owe them better.