I go back to work tomorrow, which means I now have exactly one day to complete the two weeks worth of projects I confidently told my wife I’d “definitely get to” during my vacation

Upon further reflection New year, older me

Is this a veiled invitation to an orgy?

This "you do you" mentality is selfish, self-centered and ultimately self-destructive. We need more of a "everybody do everyone" attitude in 2026

New year, new me* *updated my phone operating system to Android V16

ME: [donates body to science] SCIENCE: [donates me to goodwill]

The wife and I are heading to a local pub to celebrate Scottish New Year’s. There will be bagpipers, so I may bring my axe (harmonica) and help ring in 2026 with a proper bang

I always shave my legs on NYE to make sure I start the new year with a clean slate.

Are we still doing “hold my beer” jokes?

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

shitposting for a brighter tomorrow

In case of racist uncles or dead moms or someone saying "only two genders" or your gifts didn't arrive on time or you have a tummy ache or this day is just awkward and you wish it was over: Arlo loves you as you are. You can be okay anyway and it's okay to not be okay. Happy Thursday!

based on the Christmas songs that I heard growing up I thought I would be eating a lot more roasted chestnuts during the winter holidays

xmas movie posters but with muppets: thread

Imagine having a super tough shift down at Nakatomi Plaza then having to go home to chase Urkel off your daughter

I didn’t think it could be done, but congratulations on making a Cybertruck even uglier with your custom paint job - well done

When the Grinch's heart grew three sizes that's when he knew he had cardiomegaly

if you’re not wrapping presents for me, you’re wrapping them against me

Sometimes the best Christmas present a person can give you, is their absence.

🎵last Christmas I gave you my heart And died right away No, not the next day Turns out You can't live without Something that's so essential 🎶

Life coach: what's holding you back from believing in yourself? Me: *opens PowerPoint presentation*

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad? Me: Ice cream

That's me. Standing by the canned fish. hmu

I received a harmonica and an instruction book at last night’s white elephant gift exchange. Please send thoughts and prayers to my wife during this difficult time.

Hallmark Christmas movie in the streets Lifetime Christmas movie in the sheets

*plot twist* I saw mommy kissing Seth Rogen

Do the RHCP ever get sick of themselves? I mean they must

Me: (overstimulated and overwhelmed) I want to scream! 12yo son: Do it.

the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was to convince people that a play about a German girl who dreams of a wooden Prince and a battle against a mouse king with seven heads is a Christmas story

Whatever make it 10 factor authentication.. I don't want to be able to sign into anything ever again

I'll be home for Christmas because it's where I live.

Pizza is proof that there is a God, He loves us, and wants us to be happy.

At what age are you supposed to stop checking greeting cards for gift money?

Trusting politicians to do the right thing is like trusting me not to eat all the donuts.

*during sex* Why don’t you subtweet me?

a lord of the rings cover band called Middle-earth Wind & Mount Doom Fire

a lord of the rings cover band called Rohanarama

Bad things happen in threes. Also every other combination of numbers.

Rob Reiner: I'm going to make a coming of age drama, a fantasy adventure story, a romantic comedy, a psychological horror and then a courtroom drama. Us: Across your entire career? Reiner: In a 6 year period. Us: That sounds- Reiner: -Each one will be arguably the best movie in that genre.

I'll come to your party if there's no one else but me and it's also at my house.

Phlegm is a gross word, right? Anyway, that'll dab right off sorry

One day this therapy will take and then it will be all over for you bitches

In bed at 9 on a Saturday night I have once again stuck it to The Man

a lesbian tavern that also caters to non-a drinkers called Lavern & Shirley Temple

I feel like no one gets their jollies anymore and that's just sad this time of year.

I'm not the same person I was before reading the calorie content of this frozen deep pan pizza

I remember this one christmas when I couldn't get the lights to work and then Cousin Eddie came in his RV and blew up the sewer and then we burned down the tree and kidnapped my boss

How the Grinch listened to music I dislike and messed up my algorithm