I'm not even drunk, officer. You're drunk. Hic.

15 days left to lose 2 stone, learn spanish, and master the trombone.

I HOPE YOU CATCH RABIES, YOU WHORE!!!

I hate Greek mythology, it's always been my achilles elbow

Crazy that all those renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

*Mission Impossible theme music intensifies*

There's no way that's all Mariah Carey wants for Christmas

Well, well, well...look who's on the naughty list

Whoever named the different types of diabetes nailed it

Before I met my wife she was a sex addict, but over the years I've cured her.

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely

*Reading The 10 Commandments* Wow! This Thou person sounds like a badass.

I'm not the same person I was before reading the calorie content of this frozen deep pan pizza

Watching my boss opening his secret santa from me

Back by unpopular demand