Just found some peppermint bark in my fridge which means Christmas isn’t officially over yet.

I’m not sure the car wash thought this text through.

On this day in 1995 the last Calvin and Hobbes ran. "A New Year...A fresh, clean start!" Happy New Year everyone! 🍾🥂 🎇

Being 47 means being very excited for your new heated birdbath that you can watch from your ring camera, apparently.

I used the voice control on the remote to call up How The Grinch Stole Christmas. Instead of doing that, my TV explained how he did that. I guess I don’t need to watch it now.

Me: (overstimulated and overwhelmed) I want to scream! 12yo son: Do it.

My dog was trying to stick his head in the food bin while I was getting his dinner. I pushed him away and said “this ain’t a buffet, Kit.” He didn’t get but I cracked myself up.

I’m usually not envious of others, but my son’s ability to get 9 hours of sleep a night, while not getting up once to pee, is hard to ignore.

What level of relaxing am I doing today you ask? I just used the ring camera to see how much time is left on the dryer to save myself a trip downstairs.

Happy 12th Gotcha Day, sweet girl 🖤🤎🖤🤎

There must be some unwritten rule that smoke detectors have to start malfunctioning at night. To ensure that at least one person in the house is asleep.

That time of year when it’s harder to pick up 🐺 💩 in the yard because of all the 🍁 🍃 🍂

Guy at the grocery store was listening to football loudly as he was shopping. He gets partial credit for wearing earbuds…even if they weren’t actually connected to his phone.

I’m about to go outside and play fetch with the puppies, which means I have to switch from the stemmed wine glass to the stemless wine glass.

One of these days I’ll stop giving my son options for dinner because he says “both” every time. But today is not that day.

Me: it’s too late to start a movie. Also me: I’ll just watch three 60 minutes episodes of this British crime show instead.

Apparently being super excited I had a hummingbird at my new feeder and 4 birds in the birdbath is who I am now.

My mom just texted me and as I’m replying turns on Do Not Disturb. 🤨

Please cover the “NIPPLE GLITTER” sign was not something I thought I’d be asking the graphic designer working on my show today, but here we are.

Not sober me is making bacon right now so I have it for breakfast tomorrow. Tomorrow morning, sober me is going to be so excited.

Me: Finally, it’s cool enough to sleep with the windows open. Neighbor’s rooster: *taps mic*

Sitting on your deck in the dark, glass of wine, dogs by your side, looking at the stars, is a special kind of peace.

Do you keep a running grocery list in your kitchen and then rewrite it in the order the items appear in the aisles at the store? Or are you normal?

Going forward I will be referring to perimenopause as cougar puberty. I will not be taking any questions at this time.

My ex husband’s logic in an argument tonight was “it would have been the same if we were still married, Dipshit!”. In case you’re wondering if that BS ends after you’re divorced.

A divorced perimenopausal Gen Xer is no one you want to cross. Their level of IDGAF is unmatched.

Calm down ring, it’s just a glass of wine

The ring update is crazy specific

Will now be referring to depressing and frustrating meetings as zoom and gloom.

Was just in a fight for my life trying to get out of my sports bra.

If my dogs are annoying me I tell them it’s too hot for this, even though it’s only hot outside and a meat locker inside, where we actually are.

Why do I always want to order take out on days I’ve grocery shopped?

Smoke detector batteries can only malfunction between the hours of midnight and 4am. It’s science.

One of my besties just described herself as chunky but funky and that is a whole vibe.

I need to stop asking 12 to choose between two options for dinner because he chooses both every time.

Sitting on my front porch waiting for my son to get home (he’s been at his dad’s all week). Amazon just rolled up and they probably think I was sitting here waiting for them.

As a single mom, Father’s Day is really the day I get to myself and it’s glorious.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but when your mom asks you to help do a little mulching…make her define little. It’s me. I needed to hear this.

Letting 12 stay up later than usual because tomorrow is the last day of school and there will be zero educating happening.

Having to unload the dishwasher makes me irrationally angry.

“First bottle of wine Cat was much nicer to me than second bottle of wine Cat.” Never has one sentence summed me up quite so perfectly…

Erased the countdown to the last day of school to draw himself eating cake. Priorities.

My 12yo son just got home from his dad’s and immediately (unprompted) noticed all the things I hung on the walls and the furniture I moved and told me he liked it. So I never want to hear a grown man say he didn’t notice sh*t.

Texts with my mom

Just looked at one of my dogs and said yeah, we’re getting drunk because staycation baby! In case you’re wondering how my Tuesday is going.

Leftover birthday cake for breakfast hits different

Turning 47 means I’m as excited about my upcoming tattoo as I am about the new pots & pans my parents gave me.

Text with bestie be like

Bestie’s work problems are my work problems so get your shit together, Laura!