we ordered simon chicken at a restaurant and it got served in a frisbee 😭❤️

i’ll stick a feather in my cap and call it fusilli idgaf

my coworker seeing me down 3 bottles of water in the break room for the 4th time this week: will you stop it’s not gonna happen me who really wants my coworkers to start calling me Chugg Norris: cmon linda

How to have good hair: - Have whatever hair, even bad hair - Walk around like you have that hair on purpose

stfu connecticut you’re obviously drunk

find someone that looks at you the way simon looks at me 🥹

excuse me this was a year ago and i had blue in my hair? who did this?

find someone that looks at you the way simon looks at me 🥹

sure kristi noem has been quiet lately but she’s just busy posting nudes on OnlyKlans

me: so u wanna set me up? what does he do? John Lennon: he roller-coaster, he got early warning. he got muddy water, he one mojo filter me: is he smart? JL: he say, 1 & 1 & 1 is 3 me: well is he good looking? JL: got to be good looking 'cause he's so hard to see me: what

don’t talk to me about anyone famous born after the year 2000. i refuse to learn their name and what they do. it’s too much and i’m exhausted.

“no worries all good” - me when i’m 100% worried and nothing is good

you good, bro?

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

her: hi my name is lisa noelle me: oh hi isa

{extremely white snake voice at 3am} 🎶here i go again on my phone 🎶

The mainstream media would have organized riots and paid for buses if gas hit $6 under Biden or any Dem president.

Can’t stop (sore back), won’t stop (bad legs)

oh you like blink-182 ok name all the small things

dont go food shopping when you’re hungry. i did. ate everything in the store. they had to close it. 37 people lost their jobs. even bob who just bought a snake.

too many stupid people have money; that's why I'm launching protein cigarettes

if i played hockey i’d ride my stick like a pretend horsey to the penalty box

my dog sits weird: episode 57

the bag of dicks factory called. they wanna know if your mom’s hungry.

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

what do you call an alligator that works in the stock market? an investigator. thank you that’s it for me god bless.

someone just told me that i was funny for a woman but i didn’t respond right away bc i had to text my husband and see if it was ok to say thank you to another man.

a few years ago a cashier at TJ Maxx asked me if i needed to pick up any gifts for mother’s day bc they just got a bunch in so i said “no thanks, she’s dead” and she just stared at me for 30 seconds then asked if i wanted to save 10% by opening up a TJ Maxx rewards card

a few years ago a cashier at TJ Maxx asked me if i needed to pick up any gifts for mother’s day bc they just got a bunch in so i said “no thanks, she’s dead” and she just stared at me for 30 seconds then asked if i wanted to save 10% by opening up a TJ Maxx rewards card

Your honor they said "vibe coding" 5 times in 10 minutes

me going out in the city after work in 2008

me going out in the city after work in 2008

hey guys listen it’s taco tuesday on cinco de mayo wtf wow ok anyway say hi to your moms

PSA: if you are MAGA i don’t want to see you going anywhere near a taco, margarita, burrito or any type of mexican food or drink today. you stay home with your hot dog and coors light and fuck off.

i would probably wear sweatpants to the met gala

PSA: if you are MAGA i don’t want to see you going anywhere near a taco, margarita, burrito or any type of mexican food or drink today. you stay home with your hot dog and coors light and fuck off.

{me watching porn for the first time} omg wtf they literally just met

me tryna get the face ID on my iphone to work first thing in the morning.

today is my little nibbler’s bday and i miss him so much. he would have been 22. still young enough to date leonardo dicaprio.

alvin, theodore and simon

erika kirk cameron

me: so if my grandma is a senior citizen, wouldn’t that make my son a junior citizen? pharmacist: i meant any questions about the medication..

someone on IG said why she dressed like Rhythm Aryan Nation and i died lmao

son: mommy what’s a podcast? me: well, dear, when a group of men love their opinions very much...

sittin’ on badook of the ba

i purposely don’t light up a room bc i don’t want to get brutally murdered one day.

the cool side of the pillow just tried to sell me drugs

this man shouldn’t even address his trailer home

i don’t drink 8 glasses of water a day. that’s for losers. i absorb them through my skin. like a fern.

my pug has a v comfortable car seat and gets pup cups at starbucks drive throughs just like his wolf ancestors