all natural no filter

step aside hot girl summer

me when they change the layout at my grocery store

everything is complete horse shit rn but the astronauts named this crater “Carroll” after one of the astronaut’s late wife so yeah i feel there may be some hope for humanity

i don’t have any funny in my heart these days so here’s my pug being all pug and what not.

hey yo you guys rember perl horber?

let me get this straight. thousands of years ago this guy rides into town on a donkey, goes out to a nice dinner w 12 of his buds, then one betrays him, ties him to a cross & he dies but he comes back a few days later like hi guys nice try all so a bunny can give my kids some candy in a basket? ok

2 girls 1 cup

jesus: *hands you bread* take this. eat it. this is my body. spider-man: *hands you spiders* take these. eat them while you sleep. these are my friends

nope. never. fuck you, new balance

*knocking over small children to get their eggs at an easter egg hunt* fuck outta my way you little shit eggs are expensive

this is what the world needs rn

I've decided to donate my brain to science. [years later my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

if you need any help, please hesitate to reach out.

imagine doing anything & everything in your power to protect a pedophile & that pedophile is all like nah, you’re fired.

RIP jesus. you would have loved birkenstocks

bird to holiday ratio: thanksgiving: 1 bird christmas: 184 birds easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

someone come get their grandfather

RIP jesus. you would have loved birkenstocks

“all the good ones are taken,” I say while surveying available burial plots at the cemetery

bird to holiday ratio: thanksgiving: 1 bird christmas: 184 birds easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

he will save us

jesus probably faked his own death bc trying to split the bill at dinner between 12 friends is a fucken nightmare.

i was working on an excel spreadsheet at work and i accidentally hit numbers lock while typing in some amounts and i didn’t notice right away so it took me to a dark place in excel i don’t think i’m supposed to see

you can’t spell incels without ice

how do i put my phone in depeche mode

ever buy a belt at a thrift store and wonder how many people were strangled w it?

good morning. the corgi’s name is Big Fat. ok, have a great day

i’m in a really dark place right now (america)

honey can you hold my purse for a sec? the purse:

babe what’s wrong? you don’t like your new pussy headbands?

hi. this is my son, saxon musk. he’s allergic to ceramic elephants, can only use gluten free vacuums and enjoys ordering milk at sushi restaurants. he’s 243 months old.

mario to luigi in the recording studio

could you imagine if obama tweeted this if trump died? he wouldn’t.

i think there should be something similar to an amber alert on everyone’s phone for when it finally happens. i don’t want to sleep through that shit.

“100% of Foo Fighters fans enjoy their music.”

hey chat, is it bad luck when a hearse pulls in after you at the car wash?

there’s an old run down mall near me and instead of restocking their vending machine, they hung up a picture of a fully stocked vending machine right next to it. this is art.

happy birthday to my favorite bassist from the american rock band blink -182 .. wishing you another year filled with fri day nights @markhoppus.bsky.social

i see her daughter but where’s her spoon?

what?

just spilled my starbucks all over my phone and now all the names in my contacts are spelled wrong :(

humpty dumpty: (falling off the wall) please don’t write a nursery rhyme about this

Hot Ones except it’s me testing out different levels of pepper spray on pete hegseth

she said “it’s 3:98 in the morning”

i was driving in a parking lot & a woman was pulling out of a spot. she didn’t see me so i beeped. nbd right? so i pull into a parking spot and she’s waiting behind my car in her car. she calls me an animal (?) for doing that so i laughed bc what? then i accidentally dropped my sunglasses (1 of 2)

don’t forget to set your clocks ahead 3 years today.

women: *post a selfie online* her DMs:

baby’s first hotel stay

told my grandma at dinner that kanye west is dating ice spice so she threw her mashed potatoes into the ceiling fan and locked herself in the bathroom. we all deal with bad news in our own ways