spoke to my good buddy mitch mcconnell for 20 min last night. it’s sad that he’s dying bc 84 is really young for a tortoise.

just spoke to mitch mcconnell he said his BOFA hurts

i’m not sure what to do w this information but ok

what does FIFA stand for? Football Is Fucken Awesome? that’s weird.

my coasters are better than yours

happy bday, america too bad you’re being run by a fucken idiot

my dog when i tell him the 4th of july is in a few days:

idgaf that a billionaire is getting married this weekend i just want affordable health care and at least one day i don’t cry at work.

idgaf that a billionaire is getting married this weekend i just want affordable health care and at least one day i don’t cry at work.

good luck to all the men that were going to propose this weekend. lmao u fucken losers.

great turnout. tens of people showed up

my dog when i tell him the 4th of july is in a few days:

no one: my mother: who’s that guy i love from that movie with the girl from that show i used to watch?

no one: my mother: who’s that guy i love from that movie with the girl from that show i used to watch?

i’ve never connected more with a t-shirt in my life

imagine being so stupid that you become the president of the united states

football and soccer are like gimme the ball i want that ball it’s mine but baseball is all like fuck this ball get rid of it i hate

the fuck you tryna sell here, bezos

Moving money ($20 from venmo to my bank account)

listen, at the end of the day, it’s night.

jimmy eat world and i don’t care

Now That's What I Call the Band on the Titanic!

Foosball is a fun game that combines soccer and Weekend at Bernies.

seeing a lot of dad’s marked down 50% at the store this morning

who me? yes i love satan: standing around talking about nachos

best picture ever taken of me

if it makes anyone feel better, we all died in 2020 and this is hell. hope this helps.

if i opened a male strip club for anxious people i’d call it “Panic! At The Dick Show”

Monkey Therapist: Have you tried throwing your feces at them

golf is all like i want to wear weird pants and assault some eggs but hockey is like i want to give this frozen hamburger to my teammates bc i love them.

Sorry about ur plums, bro. I'll get you more when I get paid.

is it high blood pressure?

simon in his new bee shirt will heal us

omg ffs we just want healthcare

imagine being a trillionaire and still being only a hard 3.

i was in the car with my MIL once and i was playing blink-182 and she asked if it was “Green Door” and i said yes and she said “oh nice i love that guy”

the pain chart at the hospital

i worked for MSG for 24 yrs so i’ve know what a piece of shit dolan is for quite some time. for example: if he was going to be on the floor you worked on that day we were told NOT to make eye contact w him. also he wrote a song defending harvey weinstein. i can go on..

awww is the baby sad bc he got severely boo’ed

i like to think that when my GPS says it’s found an alternative route that’s quicker, i’m the only one it’s telling.

the first rule of gwen stefani fight club is don’t speak

i was having a bad day then i found out that bees sometimes fall asleep in flowers.

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and tennis is all like fuck this lemon you take it.

i used to work for the knicks and i got to sit courtside at some games now i no longer work there and tickets are 3 million dollars each so long story short i wont be there

no one wants you at the knicks game, you dipshit

me [from bedroom]: mommmmm! mom: what? why are you yelling me: grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks mom: grandma’s dead hon me: that’s why i’m yelling

my mom passed away 3 years ago today. she was in the hospital & on the day she died her roommate’s iPhone rang. my mother shot up & screamed “who tf is playing the xylophone?” then passed out. she died shortly after. those were her last words & tbh i couldn’t have asked for any better.

the way the dog turns his head halfway in sent me

when you’re in a heated argument via text a real power move is to like all your own messages right after you send them