🎶all the. strange things🎶

i stg if steve and dustin both die my 2026 will be ruined

i have dark hair now please tell me it’s ok or i’ll cry until new years

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

*chugging vanilla coffee creamer* i'm good u??

me at the local animal shelter: yeah hi you take birds? my true love went a little overboard this year

off to spread holiday cheer and what not idk happy holidays, you bastards

happy holidays, you bastard(s)

happy holidays, you bastard(s)

it’s christmas eve and my grandpa just ate 7 fucken hotdogs

{college admissions office} dean: so what makes you stand out from other applicants? me: God said i can go here. dean: ok great welcome to the University of Oklahoma

By a show of jazz hands, how many of you are fabulous?

if they had just shown it on 60 Minutes nobody would have seen it

me: so doctor, how long before i can have sex again? dentist: ma’am, you were here for a routine teeth cleaning.

the person who wrote 12 days of christmas

🎵deck my halls into pieces/this is my last noel🎵

when they say godspeed are they referring to how fast jesus drives when he takes the wheel or no?

guy who wrote 12 days of christmas

i wore this shirt to work and no one gave me presents. the fuck

i took one good selfie this year and that’s only bc simon’s in it

*runs an entire marathon holding a pair of scissors*

you think the wise man who brought gold was all like "you brought myrrh? that makes no frankincense" and then they all hi-fived all the way to the manger? i do.

imagine getting stung by a jellyfish after everyone ate asparagus

when mary’s water broke, jesus just walked right out

i like the grinch bc he was a dog person.

my milkshake brings 8 maids to the yard

Good morning to everyone except the small rodent under my hat who's instructing me to commit crimes

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? i’ll go first: mine’s deck the halls

you just fucken ruined one of the proudest moments in the history of the US for me, you dumb fucks

can i just say something quick? stop speaking for women you dumb bitch

tbh a thirst trap sounds like something you’d set up in the woods to catch the Kool Aid man.

i once had to move offices at work so the IT guy was setting up my printer and i had blink-182 playing and the guy says “hey is this the blink one eighties? i love this guy” and i said yup. this is that guy. the blink one eighties. he’s great.

any guesses? i hope it’s We Are Charlie Kirk

when your dad is so bad you turn to andrew tate for advice

medusa: *walks onto her flight* samuel l. jackson: not this shit again

you’ve been hit by you’ve been struck by a smooth operator

annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

if you're about to argue over how good missy elliot is on social media, ask yourself is it worth it? let me work it. i put my thing down flip it & reverse it

*puts on bathing suit and slowly lowers myself into a panicked kool aid man*

you could tell me this is the poster for a new netflix series and i’d be like cool when does it drop?

sorry my pug thinks you’re a punk ass bitch

just broke the news to my grandma and she hurled her fake teeth into the ceiling fan and locked herself in the closet. we all deal w grief differently

you guys ever wonder if aliens watch ET around Christmas time bc it’s their “Home Alone”

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aww he must smell my boyfriend

when someone asks if i’ve seen the movie and i tell them no i’ve read the book

they prefer the term christmas carolers

if your apparel isn’t gay you can get the fuck outta my life

eve 6 should write a christmas song about putting a tender & mild infant in a blender maybe idk

{extremely guns n’ roses voice} 🎶welcome to the jingle we got one horse sleighs🎶

they say a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's mouth but i'm still not putting my dick in one