i know i’ll never be brutally murdered bc my smile does not light up a room

tryna write a diss track what rhymes with sinus infection?

me: when you assume it makes an ass out of u him: "and me" me: i already mentioned u

[hot ones] me: *finishes off gallon of milk* sean evans: ok are you ready for your first wing

{extremely blink-182 voice watching titanic} 🎵hey jack look rose is by the stairs she let you sink and no one cares🎵

Severance but for when you visit your family during the holidays

football’s all like gimme that coconut i want it it’s beautiful but tennis is all like fuck this stupid lemon i hate it

you of all people should know how dangerous ice can be smdh, jeremy.

bird to holiday ratio: thanksgiving: 1 bird christmas: 184 birds easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

the fuck did i just see when i was walking my dog?

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

name a better thanksgiving song. i’ll wait…

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

i’m listening to a true crime podcast at work as one does and the accused brother’s name in this episode is bart simpson and the host said yes ok his name is bart simpson but let’s move on and be mature and i immediately turned it off bc bitch, don’t tell me how to feel

baby’s first costume contest (he didn’t win) so please tell him what a good he is

ruin a movie w one letter: Nightmare On Elmo Street

idea: demolish the entire White House, but make sure he and his administration are inside

this is what’s wrong w our country

got my halloween costume

if you care about your friends (me) you should ck in on them (me) from time to time make sure they’re (me) not stealing their neighbor’s (linda’s) lawn furniture.

{my first time at an NHL game} thank god they don’t play this game in the summer the whole team would drown

this is karoline leavitt’s text to a huffpost reported. so my question is are there any adults in the white house or nah?

when you notice there’s enough room for you on the floating door.

cybertrucks don’t have a new car smell they have an elon musk (i’m so sorry)

I Tried On This Dress Today And Did Not Purchase It And Now I Can’t Stop Thinking About It: A Memior

Me: Every sandwich is an open-face sandwich unless you consume it rectally Date: Welp, I gotta work in the morning

if i opened a male strip club, i’d call it “Panic! At The Dick Show” please don’t steal this idea it’s all i have.

oh you’re a nihilist? name zero things that matter

if fred flintstone uses his feet to power his automobile then why doesn’t he just walk to work? he’s basically just carrying his car everywhere.

{god inventing cats} give them 9 lives i don’t want these little assholes back anytime soon

Nice shirt. For a clown to wear. To the toilet store

hallmark channel movie idea: a girl working in the big city comes back to her small hometown for the holidays but leaves immediately when she realizes her family & everyone she grew up with are racist small minded pieces of shit.

i can’t find a good halloween costume so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

someone needs to put a stop to kim kardashian once and for all.

my nephew just made this for me. you think it’s cute? it’s not. he’s a 23 year old cashier at Spirit Halloween

baby is ready for some tricks and treats

Bluesky taught me the joy of blocking. I block people everywhere now. I just blocked an ex boyfriend on duolingo. I can't stop.

*brings updated terms and conditions to a knife fight*

reminder to check your kid’s trick or treat candy this year to make sure there isn’t any ai in it

Got kicked out of my work’s holiday party planning committee for suggesting the theme be “man’s inhumanity to man”

[me, when someone calls me mentally ill on social media] are you hitting on me

it’s expensive bc the pattern is so complicated

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

*me right after the tech takes my x-ray* ok now let’s do a silly one

hope everyone has a great weekend except those people who said Weapons was a good movie. you guys can rot in hell.

you can’t spell library without bra and i think that says a lot about absolutely nothing

taylor swift should write a song about when your sleeve keeps rolling down every time you wash the dishes

no thanks i’d rather light myself on fire

reporting from bikini bottom fashion week

only read this if you are wells fargo: please fuck off into the sun