Where am I? The White House?

The burgers are one thing. The condiment packets have officially taken me out.

Getting this tattooed on my back.

Yup

I’d rather spend my evening with him.

Firing Kash Patel is simply not enough. He must be banished to the teeny tiny clown car he first rolled out of.

Hate it.

In the future we’ll all be 3D printed.

The moment has finally arrived for my son Maximus!

A knight of the seven kingdoms is my 3rd favorite season of game of thrones shows.

You don't have to stop posting but you do have to stop posting THERE. It is a uniquely, fundamentally detrimental website to you as a person. It incentivizes racism, violence and — the worst crime of all — vagueposting. You are living in a permanent teaser ad for the 11 o'clock news.

Literally just renewed my Wired subscription for a year and now they force me to cancel.

I saw an automobile once when I was a kid, but now they're everywhere. The world went and got itself in a big damn hurry. I try to keep up, but my hands hurt most of the time.

Weirdest episode of Drag Race ever. From Discord being safe to Myki not winning to Kenya legitimately beating Mia. Real twilight zone stuff.

6-3 from this Supreme Court? Loser.

Thomas, Alito and Kavanaugh hate America.

Why is it the unscented stuff that smells the worst?

You’re as believable as the guy falling out of the window at the end of Robocop.

Couldn’t beat the view though.

Starting my day.

Got a lot of, “being outside” to do today and I am not thrilled.

I like to think I’d be a Baseball Fury but I’m totally an Orphan.

They’re going to arrest a man who can’t sweat?

It’s been a long day. Feed me to the manatees.

I’m convinced RFK Jr. has his jeans tattooed on like makeup.

More like Shia Rebuff, amiright?

How do we sleep while our beds are burning? Melatonin.

Made one threatening phone call for work and I’m cooked for the rest of the day. 🫠

I usually give the random magazines I get for work to my toddler but this one went right in the garbage.

I still haven’t gone to social security to get any of this done after 9 years of marriage (it’s not automatic) because of what a nightmare other women have told me it is.

Judge rules MAGA is straight out of Orwell’s 1984.

If Michael Jordan touched my kid like that he’d never be able to properly grip a basketball again.

Listening to a baroque harpsichord playlist and realizing how much Tetris messed me up.

Raise your hand if you haven’t been detained and released by the FBI in connection with the Nancy Guthrie disappearance.

Didn’t see that coming in the reviews of toddler pants.

Doctors say that vaccines protect children from dangerous diseases. A nepo baby who barbecues dogs and snorts cocaine off toilet seats says that vaccines make children vulnerable to 5G radiation. For busy parents, it can be hard to know who to trust.

The best part is that you know Noem is sitting somewhere right now explaining that she had asked the pilot nicely to grab her blanket.

New year, same joke.

Not mailed in ballots quickly changed when he talked to his snowbird buddies.

I do not approve of newly skinny rich people encouraging me to become poor trying to get skinny.

I got summer-themed Febreze sprays. That oughta do it.

So far this week Tara Lipinski has tried to sell me discount designer clothes and Botox.

Black Ice is the worst car air freshener.

I’ve never met a genuine person who uses the word “kiddos.”

The first time I ever got motion sickness was while reading The Hobbit on my way down to Wildwood NJ at the age of 12.

Thinking Hogwarts has finally gotten around to recruiting you only to find out it’s just a mourning dove on the power lines.

It’s comforting to learn that the new generation of SNL writers who seemed to get famous from their viral videos are actually just the sons of old SNL writers.

It’s got to be profoundly frustrating for the Guthrie family to be in this situation while the dumbest person to ever have an FBI email address is in charge.

Frankly we don’t talk enough about how a podcast guy spent his whole career pointing fingers until he got a job where people pointed at him so he went back to podcasting within a year.