Cow tools this, cow tools this, y'all are sleeping on shark dreams

If your wife needs something under $100, you should get it for her, no questions asked. Especially on her birthday.

Brings drugs to a gun fight.

It's ok. I knew I'd cry today.

netflix and chill? no thanks. how about cobb salads and cry.

Doctor: I use an app to transcribe my visits with AI, is that OK? Me: Sure Doc: Great Me: ᶠᵘᶜᵏʸᵒᵘᶜᵒᵐᵖᵘᵗᵉʳ Doc: What was that? Me: Nothing Me: ˡⁱᵗᵗˡᵉᵇⁱᵗᶜʰᶜᵒᵐᵖᵘᵗᵉʳ

wishing the most excellent @addiane.bsky.social a very happy birthday; please give her a follow and also if you are able, feel free to get her a gift here as well because SHE DESERVES THE BEST I HAVE SPOKEN

I hope @addiane.bsky.social is having the bestest, luckiest birthday EVER!

I appreciate the people who have sent me birthday money. I appreciate the hell out of you.

Pretty great people you've got here, me

Thank you so much for the blanket and beanie/gloves/hat set! I can't wait to be warm!

Thank you so much for the glow kitty ears and pj's! I love them so much ❤️

in a long life filled with saying stupid shit this is may be the stupidest shit he's ever said

It's a weekday, which means more surveys! Check it out: paidviewpoint.com/landing/?r=a...

babe let’s eat the deer meat that gives us strange dreams

Is this good? It doesn't seem good. "Walgreens will no longer give many of its retail workers paid vacation time for Thanksgiving, Christmas and other major holidays, as the company looks to cut costs under new owners."

When will scientists finally invent a large frog for the home

is this the best thing you have ever seen

filling your vodka bottles with Crystal Pepsi

sending love and understanding to all my fellow veterans today

lower yourself into a cranberry bog it’s time

[watching an animal do literally anything] omg I love when they do this

Birthday is tomorrow and we're doing something tomorrow night. Wish me double luck.

starting a mosh pit with my emotions

What if we made out in the LEGO store.

Good God

My birthday is in 2 days and it feels like an upcoming dental surgery appointment.

I could really use some help this month. If you like what I do, signing up for my Patreon would be a colossal help. You'll gain access to various fun posts, such as Mothman's monster-based etiquette advice, and Felmer's weird affirmations. www.patreon.com/jeremycreature

I redid the settings so it actually works now. Sorry for being bad at stuff

It's my birthday on the 12th and I'm gonna be 47 (sob) If you'd like to buy me a gift, here's my wishlist. I appreciate y'all so damn much. www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/...

Need new coping mechanisms to get off my old coping mechanisms

Had 2 big cries today. My husband hasn't noticed.

My bones hurt, my eyes don't work right, my hips are screaming. I'm paying the price for my parents negligence.

Hey yall seasonal depression is kicking my ass and my 47th birthday is coming up. Wanna buy a mopey girl a present? Here ya go: www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/... Thank you in advance love yall k bye ❤️

Sometimes America is so beautiful it just makes you want to cry. From beauty.

Thank you to whoever got the churu from my list the cats are going wild.

do you know how horrid and evil you have to be to be in this much pain in public and everyone still hates you

The fact that we don't have a high-speed rail system in America really pisses me off every time I think about it. 🙄 I should be able to go to the other side of the country spontaneously at a reasonable cost.

It's my birthday on the 12th and I'm gonna be 47 (sob) If you'd like to buy me a gift, here's my wishlist. I appreciate y'all so damn much. www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/...

I made a pot pie.

#FoggyFriday 🍂

*grabs you by the lapel* wtf is a lapel????

consumer spending sentiment is at the lowest since both 2008 and 2020. did something bad happen in both those periods

I don’t like to brag, but I’m getting pretty good at mental illness.

That pic will define his term much like this one did for his first .

10/10 take. No notes.