Good morning. ☕

the next target will be Panama. Canada and Mexico would result in gorilla warfare. the record with Cuba is not good and Greenland would throw the EU in the mix. I could be wrong but...

I need for there to be revenge.

Good morning. ☕

You know the Blooskie is getting big when you randomly stumble across a guy you worked and slept with 100,000 years ago, on a feed that has nothing to do with how you knew each other. 🤯😳

if I ever get 100 likes on a post, I'll post my tits

this song popped on the playlist last night, and it immediately reminded me of this post. youtu.be/HMUDVMiITOU?...

... can't get enough! youtu.be/_6FBfAQ-NDE?...

Stressing over one mistake is ridiculous . . . you will probably make many more, wait and stress over all of them together.

Waffles are just pancakes with pockets

himynameismack but you can call me dessert because I'm nuts and bananas

if she tells you that she wants some face time with you, she probably wants you to do that thing she likes

get yourself a woman that likes the same flavor breath mint you like

if you have ever snorted jello mix straight out of the packet, you might have a problem

Looks you right in the eyes as I give you a ball or titty twist

My gynecologist has sleep apnea, so I get CPAP smears.

Who the fuck decided that nye would be in winter

You're the reason I still mask up in public. Yes, you specifically.

Last year was rough as fuck…this year looks to be more of the same. Things are looking up, though…I got through this year’s shit, anything short of killing me outright is gonna piss me off even more. I will live to spite a motherfucker.

“Would you like to learn more about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints?” “Nah. I’ve seen enough crime documentaries on Netflix thanks”

Women don’t have spank banks, we have toy stories.

I prefer the “idea” of people.

"we have taco bell at home"

Unfortunately every word you write activates four more assholes.

Why keep your thoughts to yourself when you can traumatise others for free.

proud to have not worn pants since November 2018.

I've been think about it lately, and I'm pretty sure most people like a good interference fit this is peak enginerd humor folks.

Is it the stick up your ass that’s pressing the keys right now?

every third Wednesday of the month is the mandatory reply guy guild zoom meeting. if you do not have a personal reply guy, please contact the guild and one will be assigned to you.

don't hate me because I'm not a thirst trap reply guy. especially when there are so many other things for which you can hate me

the veins on candy bars make me uncomfortable

ash hates quote posts. please, don't block me

I've been thinking about it a lot, and the number of women I've dated that asked if they could put something up my butt is disturbing

dang, I totally forgot there's fresh cut fries marinating in the fridge wanna guess what's for breakfast tomorrow?

I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and

fuck it, I'll get a degree for cloud IT admin youtu.be/0D28i_Y40eo?...

🎼you're on a different road I'm in the milky way you want me down on earth but I am up in space🎶

I've said it before and I'll say it again. prescription medications should be mandatory for dating profiles.

a quote post is less funny if the first post is deleted, ash 😐

Spatchcocked, for your pleasure.

Quick! To the Buttmobile!

if she can walk to the kitchen after, you don't deserve a sandwich

some people claim they're a freak until they meet a real freak, and wake up shackled to the bed on a Tuesday afternoon

if pigs could fly, i’d need a much sturdier umbrella

Banana bread is a great way to throw out bananas later