Fake porn orgasms are boring so I mute them and invent my own

First date idea: We flip each other off.

So…do you love me yet? *me on a first date*

You miss 100% of the hot dads you don’t try to run down with your van

Went for a walk to clear my head. There is beauty if you look.

Wait so long to do laundry that you rediscover an entire wardrobe you forgot you owned.

Actions speak louder than turds

It’s called a moment of truth because that’s all the truth you’ll ever get from some people.

I'm too snuggly for this shit

so is there a mrs noodles?

Don't get mad at me, I just reskeeted it

if i can taste your perfume as you walk past me you’re probably wearing too much perfume

I hope it rains so I can listen to it while sipping tea and pondering

Growing a bush just to feel something different.

Bluesky cosplaying as Twitter this Halloween, oh wait.

some of you have never had to pay consequences for your actions and it shows

Can we just skip to the good part? *going back to bed

Youre probably not supposed to like my posts anyway.

My advice to younger people: you will wish you had just shut up way more times than you will wish you had said something.

Blowing your nose is microdosing a sneeze.

just because i don’t have anything to say doesn’t mean i’m not going to say something

Still sober. 300 days today.

Your shitposting is tearing this family apart.

*smothers myself in grace

Spent $200 at the grocery store and somehow still have nothing to eat.

People that take life seriously have no idea that life laughs at them behind their back.

Her eyes were cloudy...like a Waffle House window.

Happy Friday, you attention craving whores.

This app is virtually unusable.

My idea of romance is mutual obsession and terrible decisions.

Sorry you had to see me from that angle (me after sex)

why am i like this, because it suits me

Fuckit, worlds gone to shit, buying the v-neck tees

Coworkers: That’s a great costume, you really look like a homeless bum Me: Costume?

Of course I know sign language! * flips the bird *

She was rare, like a tin of undented soup from Aldi.

Happy Halloween to those who celebrate head.

hate to say it* *loves saying it

ya gotta lick it before you stick it Charlie Brown

Not all who wander welcome your opinion on their state of being. Lady.

If I have to step on people to get ahead, I’m not going anywhere.

To double your number of followers, just get shitfaced

Slide in? No I usually stumble in.

Sometimes you’re like why why why? Sometimes you’re like hey whatever!

I don't have a compelling explanation for where all the fluids I drink go.

I’m no longer allowed to teach art

The glasses stay off during sex

Sorry, I'd date you but I'm already filled with hate.

be yourself, the temu version is awful