I miss working at the dispensary 😢

I don't believe in black magic but if I did I'd make a voodoo doll of myself and give it a back massage.

I shit you not, where I work there is a job title of “Cheese Specialist”

If my yogurt has probiotics what happens if I eat it while taking anti-biotics?

I will not say “6,7” when we already have 69!

Every time you see Kash Patel, he looks like he's in a scene from "Jurassic Park" and realizing that he's about to get eaten by a T-Rex.

Borrowing everyone’s phones so I can type “Fleshlight” into your Amazon search history

This day has sucked so much ass that even my favorite bong cut me

Pro-Life Demonstrator Clearly Using Image Of Subway Chicken Enchilada Melt On Anti-Abortion Poster

I honestly hate my fucking life so much that I would end it if I could, but knowing my bad luck I wouldnt die I’d just end up a vegetable, so here I sit, as miserable as fucking possible. Good thing I gave up on religion years ago

Okay people, what is wrong with my stupid tire? I’ve replaced the valve stem, still leaks, I’ve replaced the tire, still leaks, I’ve replaced the rim, still leaks. Why am I so screwed?

Don't talk to me until I've finished this entire nervous breakdown

I’m only decorating my face for Halloween, by making it look like Megan Thee Stallion’s favorite seat

Scream Mask Left On While Using Toilet

The only regret I have about eating 20 hotwings last night is that I’m sitting on the toilet now with a fire below me

My coworking has said “cocking up” three times today and I cant stop giggling

Moved in with my parents yesterday. Today my mom told me I can “smoke a little joint” outside when I need to 😂 thanks mom

Goodnight Bluesky

I wanna bang the women in the Hot Flashes med commercial

If I didnt have bad luck I’d have no luck at all

When I see a pornstar eating Taco Bell I think to myself “must not be an anal day”

TSIF: Thank Shreck It's Friday

I learned my survival skills playing The Oregon Trail

Wedding Planner Gingerly Asks Taylor Swift If She’s Considered Dance Lessons https://theonion.com/wedding-planner-gingerly-asks-taylor-swift-if-shes-considered-dance-lessons/

Oh hell yes!

Gonna steal an egg from the Limu Emu and make a giant plate of scrambled eggs

My hands are cold, whose boobs can warm them up for me?

if anyone can help; i can’t cover it all unfortunately and need a little help for my sweet girl 🖤 if anyone can help and share to boost!!! paypal link in bio. #mutualaid #crowdfund #help

Gonna start watching the NBA on NBC for the badass John Tesh music again

Big thanks to AWS being down, gives me something to blame when an IT ticket is not worth my time

Home Depot Introduces New 12-Foot-Tall Willem Dafoe https://theonion.com/home-depot-introduces-new-12-foot-tall-willem-dafoe/

I need a vacation from life

Try telling that to Ohio drivers 🤦‍♂️

No Kings except King Booker

Its me

no kangs

I don’t get diarrhea, I get even

My cat sneezing is as cute as a pussy fart

I need a vacation, 4 weeks in a mental institution should do the trick

Told my kids this morning that I have to move out, their biggest concern was whether or not I’d be leaving the Gaming computer for them 🤦‍♂️

I don’t want to be funny. I want to be happy.

People who argue with IT dont deserve IT help, they deserve a kick in the pants

The stupidity I’m dealing with this morning makes my depression worse. Last thing I need right now is to talk to a clueless idiot

RFK Jr is mad he was circumcized because he loves docking

Now that hits close to home

Just drank a fifth of Ecto Cooler. Dare me to drive?

We are the sons of the Hamburger you couldn't Help

Bluesky confirmed I’m an adult, do I get anything as a treat? Free boobs? Anything?