Sorry I let my insecurities get the best of me. It will happen again.

Unlock a random memory to show who you are: I grew up with a blackjack table in my house, and my father taught me to deal the game at 10 years old so I could help him learn how to count cards

Unlock a random memory to show who you are: I used to hold gymnastics competitions for all my dolls and stuffed toys and I made and rewarded them with paper ribbons and I still have those ribbons somewhere.

Unlock a random memory to show who you are: Showed up at a friend's house to talk about Pokémon cards when I was 12. He told me at school the next day that I wasn't allowed at his house anymore because his parents thought I was trying to sell him drugs.

The name Jeff is short for Jeffrey Epstein Final Fantasy.

pants is short for punk-ass ants

i finally googled cloaca. you guys are nasty.

Does anyone know anything about mushrooms? If you do or know anyone that does, are these turkey tail?

If I ran into ben shapiro, I'd stuff that dork in a fuckin' locker.

*Jesus comes down from heaven, does a jerk off motion and peaces the fuck out*

Sure, we can have some dumb fun, but I want to bring the fun this time

GIRLFRIEND: Um...I don't know. I think this relationship is going too fast. ME: *sitting on my racecar bed* Lol Sharon, it doesn't actually move.

billionaire is short for williamionaire

You ever have a deep, life-changing fart? Chakras realign, the clouds part, the doodoo stench so evil, the air becomes a non-newtonian fluid that you can't bend with a breath.

The word of the day is disputatious. It's a fun word for when Karen and Reply Guy are engaged in a Thunderdome-style battle to determine who is the bigger asshole.

did it hurt? when you fell. we all saw

bet this shit never happens in roku city

I just checked my feed for any references to Kirk that could come back to haunt me. Those trekkies are unforgiving radicals.

"The pen is mightier than the sword!" said the dying guy with multiple pen wounds.

Can't grow crops in Idiocracy but they have beer and cigarettes.

trying to get in shape before my physical so my doctor doesn't find out how i live

With a little love, the call could be coming from inside the home.

the golden ratio (i'm spiraling)

Oh you're on bluesky? What's your Banger to Cringe ratio?

parenting is literally just saying “wow that was awesome bud!” when your kid does some mundane thing

i have lowered the bar, pray i do not lower it further

Oh shit oh fuck the xenomorphs have Adidas now

oh, the mysterious knocking on the walls at night? yeah, the guy who was murdered in this house loved knocking. he loved it so much

I think it's time I come clean: It's me, I'm the crossed-eyed bear who was put to sleep behind the stairs. And yes, my shoes are still laced with irony.

It's harder to think laying on my right side than laying on my left side.

I actually come from long line of dead people

I heard the rupture is happening. Do we know which organs will be affected? I kinda need my liver for alcohol.

Make yourself into a messy pretzel shape and I’ll paint you

Proofreading is for I dots

My boss threatened to fire me today. My wife has food poisoning, and our kids can't be left unattended. I still came to work but insisted on taking my own car to the job in case she couldn't hack it. When I agreed to ride along in the company truck... "I dont need to be employing *this*" (Thread)

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them "I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago"

The feeling of playing Red Rover and not getting called even once, but like, as an adult.

Computer why is my spouse, the person I swore to love and cherish for the rest of our lives, such a fucking bitch

My cat is emotionally kneady

See...this is why ChatGPT killed the dinosaurs.

If you don’t like the smell of cat pee you’re gonna hate my new gelatin recipe(e)

Hello traveler, stay awhile and listen! I need you to grab my horadric staff...who are you calling?

CK in hell right now getting flown around by a black pilot, and the only doctor on board is a woman.

Typical of Apple to release another iPhone and completely ignore my demands for a wrist-mounted taser.

Cleaning the cat box like the world’s saddest archaeologist

The first person to see a lizard run across water must have been like 😱

McDonald's flags at half mast. I can only assume someone finally got the Grimace.

I love this time of year.

You ever just feel skrangly.