The heart of Te Fiti is in Alaska. Or, it's a butt🤷‍♀️

*wife seductively ties my hemorrhoid in a knot with her tongue* Marriage: 10/10

Them: you need to seek professional help. Your friends don't want to be around you, your wife is divorcing you, your kids hate you...its time to take some accountability. Me (a ptarmigan): aweebo ☹️

007 Inches: Golden Shower

Charlotte's Wet Pussy 🕸

Sword in the Slut

Lord of the Rimjobs

I just lost the game.

If you ask me a question I dont know the answer to, I'm going to rip out a bunch of my pubes and toss them on the nearest surface to read them like tea leaves. Whatever comes out of my mouth after that is none of my business.

*Goth cooking video* Hello! And shame on you for disturbing my brooding! Tonight we're making moonspell moon pies! First step is to coat your cradle of filth with a dash of Lacuna oil... Add your batter until it gives off that Evanescent aroma and turns black as my heart.

If you have time to read this, you have time to text her.

Why does the last ten years of country music sound like it's been made by AI?

Did you guys know that Walmart sells prison wine? They get away with it by labeling it as "strawberries"

Omfg ew Alt text for context

Gave the wife the ol' dicky doo last night. The funny thing is, I can say that and still get laid in the future.

Hey, so, why can't Pearl Jam just end a song?

I bet a unicorn leather purse would look dope as hell.

I wonder what its like to not be a major inconvenience to the people I love.

He's a 10, but he makes the Minecraft munching noises when he goes down on you.

If a rainbow commits a crime, it goes to prism

In my next life I'm coming back as a man with uninteresting posts and millions of followers

BREAKING NEWS: Steve is absolutely furious with one of his paws. Nobody knows why.

It’s the people on this website with no sense of humour who choose to reply to jokes that I’m most grateful for.

They are a 10, but they take social media way too seriously

*sets patio furniture on patio* Spiders: i love this for us.

I made a list and checked it twice. go.bsky.app/Ackkeyr

Capitalism: oops! All packaging!

I wish I could master being alive and relaxed at the same time.

I read the news today oh boy- I need a laugh.

Him: Why are you like this? Dont you want to feel joy? Me: I dont know who Joy is, but she sounds like a hoe.

Its crazy that crane flies just fuck and fly around at the same time. Just rubbing it in everyone's faces.

Its my birthday and none of the Dopamine I asked for has been gifted. Bullshit.

Shaved my legs for no reason so it would feel like I have my life together.

A whole lot of people are acting like Santa Claus doesn’t watch the whole year round.

in my slag era (tidying slag into neat piles after smelting iron all day for the empire)

Hell yes I'm recycling all my tweets on Bluesky. Why should I come up with new garbage when I already have this garbage?

I love how dirty it feels when you accidentally like your own post and quickly undo it, hoping no one saw it

True love is trading your voice to an octopus witch for feet.

Karma uses a chancla.

jesus’ feet: (walking on Dasani water) this feels weird

It took more than 3,000,000,000 years of evolution to make a baboon’s ass look like that.

*hits blunt* i bet praying mantises aren't even that religious

You can't run from your problems, but you can start a huge fire as a diversion.

I started digging through our junk drawer and got down to the Paleozoic Era stuff.

you just know Mike Lindell’s MyPillow is soaked in angry sweat and cum waiting for its sweet relief in the landfill

who cares if it’s butter as long as it makes a good substitute for love