Some day I’m going to actually take an interest in sports and go watch a live baseball but please know I’m going to be cheering for the beer and hotdogs

This bromance is only gonna work if you put in the high-fives, bro.

Don't get too attached, eventually my community service order will be completed.

BRB taking ayahuasca before this teams meeting

asked my 8 yr old what she wants from Santa this year. with no hesitation,"rip away pants"

If you vigorously shake your hands after washing them in the public restroom, you still have to use 2 paper towels.

All the voices in my head usually come up with a pretty good skeet.

Who called it a church collection and not a pay per pew?

I taped a copy of your profile pic to my vibrator. I laminated it first.

I saw you up shitposting with the dawn. You look especially beautiful in the morning light. Nuff said.

Substance abuse, but it's me just sipping on my coffee

I stop being weird when I'm asleep

Who needs a doctor when WebMD can ruin your day for free

I talk to myself in the same condescending tone, so you’re not special

instead of being loud, imagine being mysterious

if you can’t handle me at my worst don’t text me at all actually

I enjoy my hot dogs like my men, carcinogenic and likely to kill me.

I'm not leaving my house without Hulk Hands ever again.

I’ll take one Etsy witch hex, please. Do you offer overnight shipping?

Okay, which one of you sickos saved my skeet?!

I haven’t murdered a single person this morning. Please clap.

Did you know they make fast acting edibles? Let’s time this shit…

Live Laugh Light yourself on fire

If you ever feel isolated while driving in the dead of night, just turn on your high beams. Another car will be there in a fricking jiffy.

Summer is coming, and you can tell, because my tubes of sunblock are building up a massive load to dump all over me.

When I’m 75, I’m going to be the biggest whore

How can you expect to flush me with dopamine, then hang me out to dry? You inhuman monster.

someone in Houston bring me a quizno’s sammy I’ll show you a boob the larger one

It's, like, not even funny anymore.

I guess I'm just going to have to learn to live with this forehead zit. His name is Carmine.

Eating an irresponsible quantity of pasta. In bed.

I can see you’re sleepy. Let me play a lullaby to help you fall asleep. *takes out vuvuzela*

A SCUBA diving simulator, but it’s just me laying face down in the tub waiting for the end.

Pumpkin Old Spice

I scream, you scream, we all scream cuz it’s all fucked. So very, very fucked.

Imagine hating me and I'm just over here clipping double point coupons to share with you.

Do you want your skeets to be good or do you want your skeets to have a lot of likes? You can’t have both

For mental health reasons, the HHS recommends that your media diet should be 10% news and 90% shitposts.

The muffin man: (about to get in a bar fight) YOU DON’T KNOW ME

A murder mystery, but instead of murder, it’s burger. A burger mystery.

Nothing is weird anymore

I am, if nothing else, forever a work in progress.

I can see by the way you parked your giant truck you've never pleasured a partner in your life.

Sorry, can't come in today. Yeah, she blinded me with science again.

2Pac 2 Furious

brought a nice assortment of jams and jellies to a gunfight

She's a 10, but she's a construct of your Green Lantern Power Ring.

Can I get my latte at least? *me when the Dunkin Donuts employee found the image of Jesus in my egg and cheese on an everything bagel.

If trash bags were trash can shaped, we would save 12 hours of hassle a year. That would give us time to pick up more trash.