Pepperidge Farm Remembers What You Did Last Summer

I want to get hospitalized for exhaustion like a celebrity.

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, falling asleep.

I don’t have any answers, but I do have a few good questions.

It’s gonna take a lot more than that to change my mind. Maybe do a magic trick or something

Some things we simply cannot know on this plane: is there a god? What is our purpose? Where did all my iTunes music go? The lyrics to Rocket Man etc…

Doggy style so I can sign my divorce papers

After a certain age men in light colored jeans look ridiculous

Turned over a new leaf and found an angry scorpion

When I’m buying Twinkies and Yodels it feels like I’m 16 again buying a dirty magazine

Me, as a therapist: Please, you think that's bad? I've been searching for my lost shaker of salt all this time.

Looking for someone who shares my love of stuffing.

her: have you been moisturizing? me: oh no...that's just pizza grease.

Might sell Avon door to door as a side hustle

My Uncle Jeb is so stupid. He fell out of a tree while raking leaves.

Do we have independent confirmation that Chumbawamba really drank a whiskey drink, a vodka drink, a lager drink, and a cider drink? That’s a lot for most people.

Me: I have a very livid memory Her: Don’t you mean vivid? Me: No…

MY EDITOR: I think you need to make the main character more human. He's just completely unlikeable. ME: *taking back my autobiography* Um...

I remember one time my wife got mad at me for accidentally stepping on a spider so I said 'calm down PETA Parker' lol, and you guys, that did not help. At all.

Sometimes I'll sit and contemplate the meaning of life and other times I'll wonder if the plural of manatee is 'manatees' or 'menatee'

A roll-on anti-aging serum, call it Deolderant

I'm not one to brag, but I totally got out of bed today without coaxing.

This is my crippling anxiety post. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

One of the skills I put on my resume was the ability to keenly observe other people working.

If you run past your neighbors scratching your crotch and screaming they tend to not ask questions.

I have a junk food problem. I don't have any . . .

My type: someone supportive and warm who I can curl up and relax with. Wait, that's my bed.

My life would be so much easier if I had a few minions.

It turns out that anybody can be a greeter at Walmart. You don't even have to work there.

genesis was just god’s first mcrib marketing test

Sorry meth pipe racoon, COVID herpes monkey is my new spirit animal

Hoping to pay my dues with Kohl's cash.

I like to pretend I'm being shunned instead of acknowledging the fact that my skeets suck

If you’re going to be depressed, please do it during work hours so you can get paid to cry. Let’s not give in to capitalism, not even a little bit.

- Am I the only one who... - No, you're not the only one. Shut the fuck up.

I’m no therapist, but maybe you should stop gauging how much you love someone by how many mental breakdowns they make you have.

10 out of 10 pieces of furniture prefer your little toe.

“Women these days don’t want to have children.” Well, we don’t actually know if women in the past wanted to. Nobody asked them, least of all their husbands.

I’m beginning to suspect that when this is all over none of us will have won. *gestures at the world*

I put on my big-boy pants like everybody else, reluctantly.

*drinks battery acid, just to feel something*

Being married means never having 𝚝̶𝚘̶ ̶𝚞̶𝚗̶𝚍̶𝚎̶𝚛̶𝚜̶𝚝̶𝚊̶𝚗̶𝚍̶ ̶𝚠̶𝚑̶𝚢̶ ̶𝚢̶𝚘̶𝚞̶ ̶𝚊̶𝚛̶𝚎̶ ̶𝚑̶𝚊̶𝚟̶𝚒̶𝚗̶𝚐̶ to say sorry.

The secret to being a 𝗀̶𝗈̶𝗈̶𝖽̶ dad can be summed up in 4 words: “Go ask your mother”

I am a full-time procrastinator.

The beauty of the aurora is a friendly reminder that the sun is trying to kill us.

new app for professionals who don’t care anymore called: LinkedOut

them: be happy with yourself me: do you even know me?

tomorrow’s regrets begin with today’s why nots

Happy 38th birthday to my first mental illness.

Listening to Sheryl Crow and Sheryl Crow only until the end of the year because I hate myself.