Imagine hating me and I'm just over here pissing in the woods for 30 to 35 seconds

"aahhhhhhhh" - the woodland pisser

A 30 second piss in the woods can fix my mental illness

Guy who gets really pissed off first thing in the morning and is aggressively nice to everyone for the rest of the day

It might take longer than 5 minutes

Crazy new restaurant in town that serves muppets. You pick out a muppet and they butcher it right there. Its fucked up. Some of them talk. Huge portions and very reasonable prices tho.

lol

If I can't have this for my summer look I'm going to fucking lose it

why does every single supplement or morning beverage have to have theanine in it. I don't want to be calm and focused, I want to be completely irrational and insane

🎶 Now I've had the time of my life No I never felt like this before 🎶

Russell, what is your favorite passage from the Bible you've been carrying around for months? Russell Brand:

Ducks on the roof, hell yeah

Scrub Daddy, you're scaring me

Goblin looking ass mf

I have been battered

My life savings depends on Sean Penn eventually showing up and putting out a cigarette on Grogu

Gas, confusion, or both

Asking "is there a doctor in the house" at a Kentucky trump rally is comedy in it's purest form

I think i know where Ben Shapiro got his new eyebrows

Oi Donny

My dad enabled the feature on his phone where it talks nonstop, and pressing buttons does absolutely nothing. 10/10 love the new punishment app.

Is this good

there's a new trend among young people called "microliving" they close their eyes for a few seconds and experience a rich and fulfilling life from start to finish in their minds. birth. friendship. love. heartbreak. joy. loss. grief. death. but how does this affect their productivity at work

This can't be the right game

I'm getting word that leftist and right wing voters are [checks notes] ...jacking off to hockey

heading out to pick up a couple meatball subs

she just got frame mogged by a shih tzu

There's something wrong with my doctor

Whale watching is bullshit. And I'm not saying that just because a whale breach made me spill hot chili all over my balls

Requiem for a Dream (2000)

Do the gambling sites have odds of him dying on the toilet

Getting mad at an ex girlfriend because I imagined her buying me a leather jacket with a Sloppy Joe name tag sewn on it

My girl warming up some hot pockets

They are saying Kid Rock handed his Grammy to lil’ Kyle Rittenhouse during the halftime show. (Not true. Kid Rock has never won a Grammy).

“he put tropical trees on the field”

ARE YOU GAMBLING YET YOU PIECE OF SHIT

People laughed at me when I built my Superbowl kimchi trough

Thinking about Bernie Sanders in JNCO jeans to regulate my nervous system

This is how Waymo works

She would cut my throat with a rusty soup can for one half of a treat

Read that wrong the first time

"When one fed attempted to blow off the crowd by visibly watching basketball highlights on his phone, a protester shouted “You’re watching ads, you broke bitch! Kill yourself!” The federal agent returned to his room shortly thereafter." crimethinc.com/2026/01/27/t...