The Doomsday Clock is too grim. We should change it to this.

More like Ser Arlan of Penistree, amirite

ICE Agents Begin Process of Arresting or Killing All 175 Million Witnesses to Their Latest Murder thehardtimes.net/breaking/ice...

This is apparently on X. I have a few concerns: 1) why is DHS sending photos of (alleged) evidence that should be in a secure chain of custody that is now lying on a car seat??? and 2) being armed does not on its own justify the use of deadly force — there has to be evidence he was trying to use it

Imagine a dead guy

[after getting 8 likes on a post about Dracula having sex with Bigfoot] I love Bluesky, but this isn't sustainable

Recurring dream where a Japanese woman tells me my penis has no honor

Once you're over 30, you should be able to ride a stationary bike at the gym with one ball hanging out

[releases helium-filled heart balloon] Me: You're free now Balloon: Ima choke a bird

今日は上司が魂に深い恥を感じるまで、死んだ魚で殴るつもりだ。

I'm getting word that the Superbowl has been canceled. There are no fun teams left

Caleb Williams holy shittttt

Has anyone ever tested his blood with a hot wire like they did in The Thing

[extremely nerd voice] my library

Just found another big metal sign to steal from work

How does Tom Homan manage to always have a mouthful of mashed potatoes during live interviews

Go Bears. Fuck the Packers. Abolish ICE.

PGA golfer, Scottie Scheffler was arrested for striking an officer with his car in a similar incident to the Minnesota woman. Scottie also was clearly moving away from the cop and the cop hung on to his car. Charges declined by DA next day and no one shot him.

Trump talks about acing his cognitive tests right before kidnapping Maduro feels like some manchurian global shit

First date idea: push me down the stairs at west beach

nobody cool is spending money in 2026. we're walking in the woods, playing games outside, playing games inside, reading books from the library, pirating movies and shows, going to the park, walking around town, ripping movies from library DVDs and uploading to torrent sites,

This is sacrilegious

No piss January

Listening to a conversation about croissants and cheescake

Everyone is shooting guns into the air, it must be a coordinated Tengu attack

MEAT method

Practicing my 2026 face in the mirror

new boot goofin

Not receptive at all to the idea of a job

Let's go through my meal prep for the week [my balls are completely exposed]

Tiny Tim waiting for Scrooge to shut the fuck up

"You there, boy! [slurpy inhale sound] What day is it?"

Did anyone bring a t-r-e-a-t for baby jesus

what happened surprised me: still no one wanted to talk to me

Sorry you had to see me scurry across the lawn with a can of black beans. Merry Christmas

Fun fact: Santa Claus has a bifurcated penis

Responding to my haters in the family group chat

🎅

Having a sip of croaka crola

GO HOME AND EAT SOME HOT SOUP!!

Keep it in your pants, lady

still drunk on gravy and peanut butter cheesecake

Ollie is in direct opposition to the rise and grind mentality

Oh fuck she's back again!

I've been drinking recycled data center water for months now and I feel fantastic

The CM in CM punk stands for Celina Midelfart