It's bonkers that when I was in my early 20s, I would do coke and Molly off the toilet tank of the skeeviest dive bars ever, but if I had to poop I would still make a neat seat

She wreck on my Edmund til I Fitzgerald

the two genders!!

“Hamburger, uh, finds a helper”

I say we take off and help the hamburger from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

Christmas Elf Hank Hill be like "that toy ain't right"

u have created something beautiful @scoobydouchebag.bsky.social

As I get older, I'm learning what's really important: making weird noises when you're alone in your car

New York has chosen a new Mayor

I never feel older than when an musical artist’s new work is having its 20th anniversary

Good morning happy Friday

getting in on the ground floor of a leadship grift by applying a veneer of current slang. Collective crashout or locking in together: giving your organization the rizz it needs

It's Toki Thursday

Y'all mind if I have a good time?

You should look at how cute my girlfriend is

Hey homie your cock looks amazing today

ok gonna have to follow a shitload of people again but this time… With A Vengeance!

It’s true, and I’m Leaf

RFK:

Just found out I'm gonna be a great uncle I am 41 years old I do not need this

I think anyone who observed my life from the outside would probably not be surprised to learn that I own several robes

I'm the neighbor that's been running the leaf blower for hours fuck all y'all

Old and broken: rumors you can revive Aerith because she’s seen flickering in the old church where you meet her a second time New and hot: AI forgot she died in the prior game and puts her in the party

Logging on gm, two wolves etc

Talk about an undigested bit of BEEF 😍

*Jacob Marley if he were really jacked as a ghost* THESE ARE THE GAINS I FORGED IN LIFE, EBENEZER

Christmas Elf Hank Hill be like "that toy ain't right"

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabbery

i got the animated movie rights to Piss Christ!

There's something very freeing about being a middle aged goober. Like, am I cringe? Maybe. But I bet you a pair of white new balances that my feet are happier than yours

This is a fantastic short story. Vivid images and a gripping story. My only complaint is that u want to read an entire novel instead of the short story Only 99 cents on kindle

Happy belated Halloween!! This zombie apocalypse short story is available wherever you get your ebooks! I hope you like it and if you don't, don't tell me, I'm so serious about that. Happy reading 😈

I just found a "post ideas" note I started a few months ago and clearly forgot about. This is what it said: platypussy

the microwave has magical powers beyond human comprehension

air bud: budline

On a long enough timeline, every franchise will have a sequel subtitled “Bloodline.”

In retrospect, there were better ways for us to encourage Andre's taxidermy hobby. The animatronic band will be back as soon as we can get rid of, as one guest put it, "these abominations to God"

I talk an awful lot of shit for a guy who isn't allowed to watch the last 45 minutes of Marley and Me

FIERCE ally

I know one thing, this white boy will be squeezing “inshallah” into every conversation at Thanksgiving