my mom smoked cigs and drank tab so thats why my brain is so fast

Ate a bunch of Tylenol and now my dick is prehensile

"hey, baby, you got any *fantasies*" Me, thinking about Final Fantasy: "yeah, I got a couple of 'em"

Trump says you ain't gotta wear a condom on first link up if you're really good friends on BlueSky

"Sir, it looks like they're pumping into a horse"

Y'all joking about the rapture but as a kid my mom dragged me to like 6 all night church vigils cause it was "definitely gonna happen this time"

My AI girlfriend would be so supportive of my Bigfoot erotica. Unlike my wife who says stuff like, "this is deeply unsexy" and "this is dogshit, grammatically" and "are you okay I know it's been a rough couple years"

I love being friends with normies

Im proud of this one

MOGA Make Oafs Great Again

some of us still believe in the promise of a better future some of us out here refusing to give up on the dream of building a dinotopian society

and that likeness isn't even fair. it's wildly charitable!

me when I run into a minor inconvenience

more excuses for the democratic party's failings in a shitlib's mouth than there are stars in the heavens

Romulus doesn’t feel like an Alien movie; it feels like the movie behind a legally distinct poster on the wall of a character in a sci-fi comedy. Extraterrestrial—In the void nobody can hear you yelp. The Lightyear of Alien movies.

Nut video with sound on (sinister organ music) and shot with Dutch angles. To signify the penis' descent into madness

Weird that this painting I did is almost 10 years old and more relents than when I did it

Fucking house is on fire and this dipshit is arguing about place settings

none of my posts have been as mean as this painting is

one reason i don't complain much about bluesky's (terrible) moderation is because you're supposed to hate the mods. there has never been a good mod. best case scenario, a poster sacrifices his humanity and takes on the mantle knowing he will be villified, spat on, name cursed for generations, etc

Kudos to Halloween for making us fear some guy named Michael

Deadlifting 850lbs right as the chorus of Party in the USA hits

Patrick Stewart: “arm yourself for true, young Atreides!”

They should gamify shitting so its more fun. Maybe you could get daily quests like "shit liquid 0/3" or "completed a shit in less than 30 seconds 0/1"

baja blast colonoscopy prep

As an oaf, I can say without reservation that this is giving oafs a bad name

Today at work I got told that I needed to stop what I was doing and program and setup for a job that fell thru the cracks. This happens very often and it pushes my scheduled jobs back. It was very satisfying to look at the blueprints and say that it would be impossible for me to make these parts

lmao

If I had to literally eat a dick I think I'd rather it be erectish. Flaccid would have a horrible mouthfeel I'm pretty sure

Wouldn't it be wild if i sat on my balls and my penis made a bicycle horn sound all HONK HONK and my penis (penis) shot out one of those sticky hand things you get from the quarter machines and it slapped a random pedestrian and he blew up into a cloud of red mist? Wouldn't it be wild if that happ

thinkin’ about that time disney gave a chicken fat tits

Conspiracy theory: this is all a work to drum up interest in Kimmel's forthcoming podcast

Why do I have an alarm set for 7:25 please?

I got to watch a tractor trailer driver backing into a dock just absolutely obliterate a light pole today so it's not All bad

Neighbor has this car sitting in their yard and it's parked at an angle that makes it look like the car on street fighter that you beat the shit out of and I want to go and beat the shit out of it so bad

Latest piece or as id like to call it, a pixelated acid trip

I'm going to become the joker subscription for $19.95 a month

So this would appear to be the plan of the democratic party huh?

she looks like something you didn’t know was there and discover only after you had the film developed

first they came for the late night show hosts, and i did nothing, because i am in bed at a sensible hour

maybe if i was a link i'd be good embed

yes prices are soon going to rise again but as a consolation, ur paycheck will stay the same, so as not to confuse you

Whispering "I disagree" into the intercom of my safe room while the whole world burns

why don't british people spell it like horrour

I'm proof that they will fuck you if you post good

trying to explain to my wife that the reason i won’t take my own advice about self-love is that she, a divine creature of light, deserves everything, while i, a lowly mud-dwelling worm, deserve nothing

Logging on, gm It will happen again