One of the albums of all time but I do always read it as Charles Mingus clearing his throat because I’m standing in his way at the grocery store.

I haven’t had a microwave in nine years so I’ve probably missed out on some real microwave innovations, some new microwave technology that’ll blow me away and make me a believer.

They are doing this to me tomorrow. But for a full minute.

Does she know that she’s That Diva?

She is judging my Pokopia builds. Don’t care, you will sit in your roofless house with unmatched wood and you will like it.

Practicing self-restraint and leaving the grocery store without buying this little guy and naming him and crying when the cats rip him apart and burying him in the woods and reanimating him with my own blood.

I adore my ereader, it’s the best purchase I’ve ever made. But every time i charge it, I imagine some old man chuckling at me like: “oh we gotta plug in our books, huh miss fancy pants? we gotta charge our books now?”

Read. Baldwin crafts sentences like a figure skater, it looks effortless but the skill is UNREAL. Every story in this collection tore me open, illuminated pain and beauty, love and art - and hate. The title story was one of the most devastating pages of utter pain and cruelty.

Easter candy and toys are severely lacking (don’t defend peeps) but did anyone else routinely receive these rubber bendy bunnies? And eventually you have an entire army of them and the plastic starts to deteriorate and they got weirdly gummy and kinda wet….

If you do not use your decorative soaps, you are not living. Unwrap that seashell soap. Rub it up. Scrub it down. You gotta use your usable items!

Had the genius idea, “they should sell a Penguin publishing house plush.” Yeah, girl. That’s just a penguin. This is why I don’t work in publishing anymore, I’m too clever, too ahead of the curve.

Polysaccharide is a beautiful name for a baby girl.

Everyone say it together now: oooooh, big stretch!

Bro the future is gonna be amazing this croc stepping on my face forever

Accepting that my style was mostly influenced by a childhood of Goosebumps book covers.

My friend was texting about an Asia grocery store called AsiaGo and I mentally pronounced like Asiago, the cheese. I kept wondering why the hell an Asian grocery shop was named after an Italian cheese.

Hard tack wedding cake. Is this anything?

Ivy’s new thing is chewing chopsticks. Alright, whatever helps you take the edge off, girl.

My mom’s skin cancer removal surgery was a success, they got all in just one cut! 💜 Modern medicine is a miracle, it was on her face but she felt zero pain.

Are these sleeves big enough to get me out of Dish Duty?

Happy Friday babes butches and bros, get that gold-plated latinum

It’s still cold out but what’s that—that light in the sky? Huh, why is the sky BLUE? Is this, oh my goodness, is that the sun? The fabled sun? It’s real??

Read. A compelling memoir about escaping the cycles of abuse in a neglectful, extremist household. I enjoyed the author’s way of questioning her own memories, record keeping, and how she responded to trauma by trying to act “like it’s a joke”. What a strong woman.

You ever think about the worst bra you ever owned? Front clasp that always popped open! Underwire that CREAKED! I was audible a room away, I swear, creaking like an old ship.

I need some patterned tights. A part of pricy patterned tights that I rip after two wears and get pissed about would fix me.

Everyone’s already so distracted while driving that we may as well introduce this kind of highway advertisement again.

My truth is that I love filling out forms and worksheets. Give me a scantron. Give me a sharp number 2 pencil. There isn’t enough opportunity for this in your 30s, we need to do pub quizzes like this.

I’ve been listening to a lot of salsa music lately and sometimes you’re looking online for new albums and you spot a real winner…

Walked past a pregnancy test thrown on the side of the road. Didn’t get a look at the results, hope it’s what you wanted either way? Congrats, maybe?

Forcing myself to stop looking at designer sunglasses, lest my phone thinks I’ve got the means for them but LET THE RECORD STATE: I would look so dumb and so good in these.

Would you love your partner more if it turned out they used to have a custom Taco Bell dog windows theme?

Irony of ironies is that I’m learning Spanish as a hobby right now but I actively hated Spanish classes back in the US. Meanwhile, in the US I loved learning German and now I simply perish.

Saw a comment referring to a violinist that said: “Great Beethoven”. And I thought it was an expression of disbelief like “Great Scott!”

Read. Such technically perfect prose, lean and elegant, personal but not too mired in the person (and when it is, I eat it UP). First thing I’ve read by her, what voice for essays. Of course, any collection stands by its strongest and weakest entires but this is solid all around.

It has been much too long since I’ve put my hand on a horse and felt them breathing, snorting, eating. I miss how calm I felt hanging with Jenny. (My famous friend, rest eternal in the big strawberry patch in the sky.)

Does anyone else remember this game show where contestants had to stay up for 24 hours while learning a bunch of random fun facts? And then recited those facts back while running in a gigantic hamster wheel? I wanted to go on this so bad as a kid.

My deep shame is that I do think I was born to write emails. I love emails. I am so good at emails. I was not born to frolic in the sun or write or anything, I was truly born to maintain lightly casual but professional contact with two dozen external colleagues.

Yeah I live in a 15-minute neighborhood but more importantly, I’ve got some 15-minute chicken neighbors.

My husband and I love to think of dumb pet names from every day objects. This is my cat, Fork. This is my cat, spinach curry. This is my cat, Stacy’s mom.

The joy of watching old music videos showing off the coolest cell phones. Watching video on one of these? Fergie, your phone bill, Fergie calm down.

Keeping an eye on the magnolia tree at the cemetery waiting for it to pop with the same anticipation of uncorking a bottle of champagne.

I Mandela effect’d myself and became convinced that there is a Dunkin donuts race car and the wheels look like donuts. I see it so clearly in my mind. A beautiful woman steps out from it in a pink jumpsuit holding a huge coffee after winning the Daytona 500.

When George Costanza says he wants to drape himself in velvet, I heard that.

Lip balm technology has made leaps and bounds. I may be a doomer about many things but then I buy a rose scented chapstick and oh okay, it’s incredible what they’ve done.

Changing my fursona to the bacteriophage that’s named after the ikea bear.

Read. A novella about conformity and, let’s be real, neurodivergence that doesn’t hit the same spot as Earthlings but still rings true. I think there’s a better novel hidden here but it gets lost and doesn’t extend its reach as much as I wanted. Still enjoyable social commentary.

They’re planting me in loamy soil this equinox, they’re straight up burying me.

Ivy has the vibes of a poorly aged taxidermy from the turn of the century, there’s just something not quite right about her.

Bärlauch, ramps, wild garlic, cow leek, whatever you want to call it, it’s foraging time, babyyyy!

My new neighbor is having furniture delivered and she asked the delivery dudes: “do you want water?” They misheard it as vodka and asked if she had whiskey instead. Kings.