Nice.

god I wish that were me

I remember.

Too late, Batman. Once this Tylenol floods the city's water supply, my wiki won't run out of editors ever again

refreshing this every hour on the hour until the entry reads “former head coach at the University of Florida”

the Burger King in Yellow creating a whopper so profane all who consume it are driven to madness

have we tried unplugging democracy, waiting ten seconds, then flipping it back on?

boy oh boy i hate how relevant this one is becoming

I can’t even with this shit

congrats to joe brandon and all the purported defenders of democracy who normalized cracking heads on student protestors in order to cover for israeli genocide. you really greased the skids for ol donnie trump to formally submarine the first amendment

great news! you're not actually seeing karl rove, john yoo, and david frum criticize the administration's lawlessness more stridently than dem leadership. you, reader, were infected with rabies by a brown bat 36 hours ago and this is all just the virus working its way through your nervous system

Dropping a 4pack of 90s SOLID GOLD that was seemingly always on HBO or a fuzzy vhs tape lol

Building a house out of Nintendo cartridges so the Big Bad Wolf can come by and get them working again.

It's always a bit jarring when I'm birdwatching and I spot a bird with tiny binoculars staring right at me crossing "big nerd" off his list.

In oceanic law, undersea judge beasts issue writs of Habeas porpoise

Hey check out my new podcast with annoying smug bastard and mouth-breathing fuckboy

neatly fitting my timeline, planning, and motive into a half dozen text messages to my secret lover

if you have infinite monkeys typing on infinite typewriters one of them will eventually produce the entire works of shakespeare. but you don't have that kind of start up capital. start with 10 monkeys writing steven king's Christine. soon you'll be turning a profit and can start scaling your monkeys

Some of us have the common decency to keep our uninteresting thoughts to just a few words

Fancy hotel logic: no free breakfast, just a cafe downstairs charging rent money for a croissant. They assume you’re either rich or expensing it, give me the mid-tier joint with a hot bar and waffle maker any day

“added to ShitThatNeverHappened.txt”

may I speak with the primary poster in your household?

I grew up in the rural south during the Clinton years so yeah I had a firm understanding of where they almost all fell on a spectrum of “casual racist” to “el rushbo diehard dittohead” lol, fuck outta here with this revisionist nonsense these people are espousing

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74

it’s a messed up reality when I’m more shocked that he actually apologized than by what he was advocating

She had rings on her fingers and bells on her shoes and she knew without askin' I was into her boobs

too old for a boxing match to start at 1 am eastern, cmon guys

Christian Grey really had him bound up, huh?

I can’t take this team seriously until there’s a new coach, beyond unwatchable

I guess I need reading glasses to do this now? what is this, a game for ants??

this is, hands down, the best video I've seen on men's influencer content and it's not close either

I can’t believe I was even mildly excited for gator football this season, what a maroon

baked lobster

Although the Baron Harkonnen and I didn't see eye to eye on many issues, he was a family man

Bongino: “Boss I’m in Provo and we’ve got a lead on the case” Patel: “Dude, I left you a voicemail this morning, we caught the guy” Bongino: “…” Patel: “…” Bongino: “Are you -fucking- kidding me?”

"You will ride eternal, shiny and chrome!"

I’m sorry your wife thinks Gordon Lightfoot is a character on Toy Story

Sound up

the absolute GOAT of frozen sides

they paved paradise put up a mattress barn

Lowering the flags on 9/11 at the Guantanamo Bay McDonald's for Charlie Kirk is the most dril tweet thing that's ever happened

Greenwood, Neshoba, COINTELPRO, MLK, Malcolm, RFK — coffins stacked for a century. The right loses one Charlie Kirk and cries Selma. You don’t know that weight.

born too late for Danny Wuerffel born too soon for Tim Tebow born just in time for *sighs* Rex Grossman

I will Never Forget

I'm celebrating all the lives a shitty person won't be able to ruin, really.