here is something Who cant understand

Horton Kills a Man

god gives his toughest skidmarks to his tightest whities

A simple test to see if someone is a rapist is to ask them their opinion on the Platner situation. If they go "welllll, you know,..." oh, they're a rapist!

[Scene] Interior, 19th century drawing room. Bookshelves, chair and a table. On the table is a gun, a revolver. [Playwright Anton Chekhov enters, and sits down] [He looks at the gun on the table] Chekhov: Fuck.

(Phone ringing): Hello, Madison Square Garden, how may I help you? Me: Hey, real quick, Stanley Tucci, gay or nay?

BREAKING: Disney has announced that they will start working on the next live-action adaptation while they are still making the animated movie of the same story. Disney CEO states, "well, we've run out of ideas pretty much"

Crazy that Bonnie Tyler and Mitch McConnell died at the same time

Sorry, sir, but the Madison Square Garden says you're gay and we can't serve you

who I would choose for Senator from Maine

I know my name still rings in your heart

*sniff* Turn Around 😢 Bright Eyes 😭

BEST STAR TREK CAPTAIN. WRONG ANSWERS ONLY.

it's really a pain for all 57 people in Maine to have to choose a new Dem candidate, feel bad for them

Coming this fall on Searchlight: The Guy With the Nazi Tattoo

I love at night on bsky all the poets come out

Made some Girl Dinner, this took some effort, she was a pretty fast runner

Furthering my theory that this entire website is for people who owned Doonesbury collections as children and understood about a third of it.

Worst job for a vampire: door-to-door salesman

I finally got ahold of Mitch McConnell on the phone and he just said one word, "Croatoan" and hung up

I have this weird thing, where if a woman says "no" then I do what they say

still can't believe all those Renaissance painters were named after the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, how did they know

wow if only there had been signs this Platner dude might not be a good person

Where I been at

Mitch McConnell is as alive as the Straight of Hormuz is open

There is no dissonance I cannot cognate

fuck I went camping for a few days and when I came back I was replaced by AI

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

Was the relationship real or cake?

BREAKING: The Supreme Court has ruled 6 - 3 that you are all fat, dumb, ugly and probably smell bad, and it wouldn't matter if you died or disappeared. *All billionaires are excluded from this ruling

Tech bro? I'm more of a wreck, bro.

The Google Cycle: Hey, we made this thing, you should use it -> ok let's force people to uses it and integrate it with everything -> people use it, and find it's actually pretty good -> we are discontinuing this thing, now you must use our new thing

Cop: Sonofabitch, he got us

a loving God would have given us a cocaine that wasn't addictive or bad for you

just a crummy commercial!

Bidet people are a cult. I get it, it's great, but you never fucking shut up about it

Being Stupid For Dummies

I take it as a medal of honor every time I get added to a "hates AI - Bitcoin - Techbros" block list

Ash: I'm here to KICK ASS and CHEW BUBBLEGUM Teacher: Oh, did you bring enough gum for EVERYONE?

They turned off CERN and now I'm the biggest man in the world and covered in gold

Bedknobs and Broomsticks is what Angela Lansbury called titty fucking

I'm sorry I made sad trombone noises while we were having sex

(sexy time) *I slowly take off my bra to reveal giant googly eyes glued to my boobs*

Glengarry Glen Close

My safe word is "ouch!"

My date: Well, I hope this goes better than the last first date! Guy was such a fucking dork he had to show me his nunchuck moves Me: Ha! What a goober! *carefully slides my nunchaku into my sock under the table*