🎵 Walked out this morning, can't believe what i saw 🎶 🎶 100 million cybertrucks washed upon the shore... 🎵

Every tuning's crazy with a sharp F'd DAD

hashtag my ass

Stupid internet *whacks monitor* BE MORE FUNNY!

I'm proud to announce that I have never said "ohhh it must be free then!" to the poor cashier when my stuff didn't scan

"Think back to your childhood. Do you remember when the anxiety started?"

Family Groguy

The Golden Grogus

"So, you want me to sit in this chair, while another dude comes over and..."

bidets help people liquidate their assets

COMING SOON: Me, on your mom's titties

Protip: "Body Wash" is just shampoo

only posting mid today sorry guys

Forget sharing the last picture you saved, I want to see the very first picture on your phone.

Post 10 bands you've seen live for NO REASON: Grateful Dead (20+) Phish (10+) Tool RATM Jason Isbell & the 400 Unit Jerry Garcia Band (10+) REM (before they were huge) Allman Bros Stevie Ray Vaughan (last tour w/Jeff Beck) King Crimson

One trick to a long lasting relationship is keeping things spicy in the bedroom, I recommend some Takis or Flaming Hot Cheetos

everything is fucked, everybody sucks

"Compromise, conformity, assimilation, submission, ignorance, hypocrisy, brutality, the elite. All of which are American dreams."

Hey, there, Daddy Longlegs 😉

Therapist: So, is this elephant in the room with us right now?

Memorial Day. Mountain Dew. Medical Doctor. Same abbreviations, coincidence? I think not

Drop an alien that's not from Star Wars or Star Trek

seeing the news everyday now makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a leather scratch awl

[muffled screaming]

I don't want to sound vain, but Carly Simon wrote a song about me

She's not a ten she just knows her good selfie angle

After the conclusion please remain on the Palantir for a short three-question survey about your corruption experience

The Lord of the Rings, but when the One Ring speaks to those it would corrupt, it has customer service voice.

good morning bsky how's everything goi...

This is a stupid fucking hobby

fuck mark cuban

dance like no one is watching and by that i mean sit down in a chair and pick your nose

dems in disarray

RIP Ike Willis youtu.be/Ts1XqI5dfGE?...

Congratulations, guys, we WON THE WAR IN IRAN!!!

Slowing us down is what white people are doing. Can't get what we learned as toddlers through their heads. They are the biggest burden in trying to get free. They the only ones who don't get we all need each other to be free. The rest of us sitting here waiting on them to get over themselves.

Doctor, holding fingers up to his throat, "hmm, suffocation. No breathing. Looks like we will have to cut his arm bleeding."

rich people be like be grateful we dont enslave you and whip u you stupid fucking worker

Hello world , i’m 13 minutes old❤️ Original post

it's been so nice ever since Trump passed away

Me, flirting: Girl, do you want to come back to my place and clean my apartment while I play minecraft?

Me, flirting: You're the hottest girl in this emergency room

does anyone know if it's bad to get a kit kat section stuck in your pee-hole, asking for a friend

how's that war going, did we win yet?

what are the Six Genders? wrong answers only

Me, flirting: Do you also like to eat food for sustenence

Republicans: WE NOMINATE SKELETOR Democrats: We dislike Skeletor but we will vote to confirm him. Please give us between 5 and 50 dollars. <Later> Democrats: I stand before you to condemn the actions of Skeletor. He should have never been given this power. Please give me between 5 and 50 dollars.