A wise person once told me, "Character is who you are in the dark," which is why I'm an absolute monster during daylight hours.

Godspeed You! Portugal. The Man at the Disco.

Working at the R&D lab (Research & Dragons).

My neighbor, a white man living in the middle of North America, once posted on Facebook complaining that the tree in our back yard was "Not even native to the area."

Ramen numerals. Wait. Let me start over. #WaitLetMeStartOver

Her: Let's celebrate! How about we go out for ice cream? Me: Where? Betty Rae's? Her: No. Fancier. Me: Elizabeth Raymond's?

"Sales really picked up when we stopped telling people our product was made out of toxic waste!" #AI www.producthunt.com/p/murror/...

Trump reassures the markets that his peace talks with the Belgian soccer team have succeeded and that a deal is complete.

Win, lose, or dare. Wait. Let me start over. #WaitLetmeStartOver

Victimless crime.

There's a part in the book "Careless People" where the author beats Zuck at Settlers of Catan, and he is absolutely wrecked by it. Someone pulls her aside to explain everyone else has been letting him win for years. I think about this a lot re: why tech bros think everyone will love AI chatbots.

That's not the verb that I would use, but whatever.

Keep your friend's clothes and your enemy's clothier. Wait. Let me start over. #WaitLetMeStartOver

It's the 4th of July weekend, and patriotism is in the air! We are currently above the "unhealthy" level of 150 parts per million (PPM) of patriotism. Sensitive populations are advised to stay indoors or take precautions.

I hope you motherfuckers enjoyed yourselves last night.

Happy birthday America, you ignorant ass.

"Mrs. Kelce," he deathwished.

July the Fourth be with you. Wait. Let me start over. #WaitLetMeStartOver

Shoplifting professional grade fireworks—also known as the three-finger discount.

If you detonate big, illegal fireworks in a residential neighborhood in the middle of the day the day before Independence Day, you are an asshole. You're also an asshole if you do it at night. You're also an asshole if you do it *on* Independence Day. Basically, fuck off with your fireworks.

A tall drink of order. Wait. Let me start over. #WaitLetMeStartOver

The dick pic is named after its inventor, Richard Picture.

There are thirteen screens in my office right now, and honestly I don't think I'm any more productive than when I had only twelve.

July 2 is the midpoint of a non-leap year. Do with that what you will.

Managers love it when you explain what went wrong using words like "somehow."

#SongInMyHead this morning: ‘Get Off This,’ by Cracker. #music m.youtube.com/watch?v=3PVF...

There are only two types of people who talk seriously about data centers in space: People who don't know what they are talking about. People who think you are stupid.

It's true—I'm something of a closet Marxist. m.youtube.com/watch?v=ep8xop3...

They said "sign in for a more personalized experience." They didn't say that the experience they were personalizing was an abattoir.

For sale: baby. Two weeks only. #SixWordStories

Baby's first hack! The four-year-old discovered that this amp in a club in LEGO DC Super Villains will give you unlimited studs (coins) for as long as you keep attacking it. So he set a heavy book on the controller button and walked away, letting it rack up hundreds of thousands of them.

The newest workout type that Apple Watch tracks is the price hike.

When you design an intranet home page where two of the four top-level navigation menus called "Resources" and "Quick Links" . . . you might not be an information architect.

Vote bruh no matter huh.

It's 2026, people. Bros and hoes SIMULTANEOUSLY.

I can't stand all of these leftists and their radical policy ideas, like "Life should be somewhat more affordable" and "People with more money than they could ever spend should pay a little bit of taxes sometimes."

I was recently accused of posting "low effort bandwagon bait," so going forward I'm only going to post disagreeable and unpopular things. Microsoft Windows is amazing! AI is the BEST!

Last pic of the moon over the lake 🖤

Democrats: Vote Blue no matter who! Public: [elects Mamdani] Democrats: Wait. Public: [votes for other socialists in primaries] Democrats: NOT LIKE THAT!

As the United States of America prepares to celebrate 250 years as a country, I have a heartfelt message I want to share with my fellow Americans: Boy, we really fucked that one up, didn't we?

My computer is a well-oiled machine! Introducing oil to its circuitry has caused major issues, however.

Mel Brooks is older than sliced bread (first invented in 1928). I guess that makes sliced bread the best invention since Mel Brooks!

Why would I need 12 of them?

The IKEA Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.

Now, for a look at the weather, including your five-day forecast. Rob, what are we seeing out there? Rob Thomas: Well, it's a hot one.

Hydrate like a data center.

Them: When I praise my kids or my colleagues, I avoid telling them they're smart, because I want them to think about themselves in terms of their situation, their choices, and their relationships, and not define themselves in terms of supposedly fixed, innate traits. Me: Wow, you're really smart.

I find it really difficult to articulate a good argument about why perpetuating the Santa Claus myth with children is ok, but I also find it an order of magnitude harder to understand adults who are really upset by it.

EKG, or Electrokilogram.